“If that’s still alright? I really just need to get out of this house for a bit.”
“Of course it’s alright. Rafe doesnae expect you to stay cooped up here all the time, hen. He kens ye need to get out and live. Yer’ll be safe wi’ me, Dante, and Cal.”
“You’re all going out?” Dio asked.
“Aye. I cleared it wi’ the boss. Cal just wanted to take Cara to that steakhouse on the high-street. Dante and I are taggin’ along, and Brax and Dom’ll be parked out front, just in case,” Arran explained.
I was just relieved to be getting out of that house. I hadn’t left once all week, other than to sit in the very small back yard, and I was going a little stir crazy. That sounded completely ridiculous considering the size and luxury of Rafe’s home. There was a cinema and games room, for Christ’s sake. The place was enormous. Anyone would be delighted to spend a week there, I was sure.
But I needed out. It wasn’t that I was bored – though I was a little. It was more that I was so used to working every hour I possibly could, as I had for so many years, that not working or having purpose, made me feel twitchy and uneasy.
But I could handle that, and the boredom. I was more worried that if I stayed cooped up there in the safe cocoon I had found, that I would get too used to it, and become afraid to leave. I was already feeling anxious about leaving after all that had happened - not that I would admit that to anyone – and I feared if I stayed locked away in safety much longer, I’d become a shut-in, too afraid to leave.
It would be nice to spend some time with the guys too, doing something different in a new environment. I hadn’t seen as much of Cal, since he had classes during the week, and I had really missed his company.
Rafe and Dio had been crazy busy with work too, and were mostly at their offices in the city, through the day, and some times late into the evening too.
Dante and Arran were working too, though one of them was always in the house with me, Rafe never wanting me to be left alone. He told me it was for my protection, but I suspected it was also partly because he was still terrified I would hurt myself again. I hated that he felt that way, but I hoped he could see that I was becoming more comfortable there in his home, with the people he had brought into my life. I really hoped that in time I would get to a place where I could make him the promise he needed – and say it in such a way that he would no longer be afraid for me, but I wasn’t there yet. I wanted to be, but my head was still a very dark, confusing, and at times, out of control place. It scared me when I was alone. The depths my spiralling thoughts and flashbacks could drag me deep down into, terrified me. Being alone wasn’t good for me right then, that was for sure.
But I did find myself alone quite a bit in the house. Arran and Dante checked in on me regularly, but they were working too. Dante headed up Rafe’s entire security team, and while he hadn’t told me so, I was pretty sure Arran handled a lot of the management of the non-legit business at the docks. All I knew was that they spent most of their days sat in front of laptops, or fielding calls, so I tried to stay out of their way as much as I could.
So I was excited for that aspect of us going out to eat – getting to spend time with them all. Just thinking about us all relaxing a little and having some fun and laughs with good food was forcing me to push through my concerns over leaving the house at least.
“Fine,” Dio nodded, but he looked a little tense about the whole thing.
“We did invite you and Rafe,” I spoke up, wondering if that was the issue. “Rafe said you had a meeting with some resort in Hawaii you’re trying to buy though.”
“We do,” he nodded. “It’s late because of the time difference. It’s fine. Have fun, but make sure you listen to Dante and Arran, okay?” he told me as he cupped his hand around my cheek and stared into my eyes. I nodded, just once, not wanting to break eye contact with him, or the odd, strangely warm and comforting feeling I felt as he seemed to study me.
“Call me right away if you have any concerns. And I do mean anything, Arran,” he added, breaking the moment between us as his eyes snapped up to Arran with a look that was decidedly less warm.
“Aye. The boss said the same thing. Will do,” Arran nodded. “Why don’t ye head up and rest for a wee while before we get ready for dinner, lass? Ye look shattered,” Arran went on as he tightened his arm around me.
“What time does Cal get back?” I asked.
“Another hour yet. Ye’ve plenty of time.”
“Okay,” I agreed. “I’ll be ready for six.”
I left them both in the gym and started up the mammoth staircase to my room. We’d only done thirty minutes of very light training and I was completely exhausted.Weak, I reminded myself. I knew I was being hard on myself, since I’d been knocked around a lot in the last few weeks, and the hit to my head seemed to have lasting effects so far. I also wasn’t sleeping well, but I had to be hard on myself. Nobody else there would be. They all coddled me – not that I didn’t love that – but I couldn’t afford to give into it for too long.
I had to be hard on myself until I knew I wasn’t weak anymore. If I was going to except the kindness and coddling of the men in my life, I had to make sure I still kicked myself into shape in between. Because weakness was something someone like me wasn’t able to ignore. Weakness would get me killed. It almost had, several times already.
I faltered as I hit the first landing, looking to Rafe’s office door. It was closed, but I hadn’t seen him since breakfast the previous morning, since he’d worked late the night before and been gone by the time I woke for breakfast that morning. I knew it was likely he was working, but I decided to pop my head in the door and say hello. I wanted to take advantage of seeing him more while I could.
Gia had left for her school trip, to Germany, five days ago, and she’d be gone for five more, but once she got back I had already decided I would take a step back from life in the house. I didn’t want her to think I was stealing attention from her, when everyone there was much more her family than mine. I hoped it would be a temporary measure, and that Gia and I would find some peace between us eventually, but I also knew that was likely wishful thinking.
“Hey,” I whispered as I opened Rafe’s office door and literally just poked my head inside. “Are you busy?”
Rafe was sat behind his desk, in the pressed navy shirt that he’d worn to the office earlier. His suit jacket was hanging on the back of his chair, and he had abandoned his tie somewhere. He looked tired, but I was learning Rafe always seemed to look that way. He worked too hard.
“No,Tesorino. Never too busy for you. Come in,” he told me as a smile spread across his face, instantly making him look younger. “Everything okay?”
I stepped in and closed the door behind me, then turned to him with a smile of my own.
“All good,” I replied. “I just finished training with Dio and Arran. We didn’t do much, but I enjoyed it.”
“Good. We don’t want you doing much right now. You have to let all of your injuries heal.”
