Harthon’s fingers pressed at my hips. “Don’t goaround. He can make that drop.”
“I’m surehecan make that drop. I just don’t know if I can.”
In a calm voice, he said, “You can. Cue him to walk, but keep your hands low on the reins. Lean slightly forward. He’s smart enough to pick his path.”
I did as told, and the stallion easily made it down the decline as if it were no challenge at all.
“You made that look easy,” he praised, and I smiled, feeling like I had when I was seven years old and successfully skinned my first squirrel in front of Merelda.
Slowly but steadily, we weaved our way up the hill, the tugging in my chest constant until we climbed onto the summit. The shock of seeing the Domus was nearly the same as the last time, those monstrous, ethereal walls reaching high into the gray sky behind the hills and valleys that sprawled before us.
In my awe, I almost didn’t feel the sensation beneath my ribs vanish. Frowning, I searched for it, frustration rising when I realized it truly disappeared, just as it had every time I scaled the tower. It would take me no further today. We’d made progress today, but there was so much land before us—so many places where the entrance to the Domus could be—and if I kept going at this pace, it’d be weeks until we found it. More, if the entrance was in a Territory on the other side of the Domus.
“Dammit.”
“I take it the feeling’s gone?”
I swallowed against my disappointment and nodded.
“If you tell me what Josenne said, I can help you.” When my back stiffened, he added, “Whatever it is, I won’t judge you for it.”
While I was happy to chase themagvis’knowledge now, it was still shameful to admit that, in my selfishness, I simply hadn’t wanted it before.
It’s only shameful because you care what he thinks of you.
I did care. He’d once called me resilient and strong, and I wanted him to keep seeing me that way. But if we were to ever get to Centralis in this century, I needed help.
“She told me I’m not worthy of that knowledge. That to know it, I have towantit, heart and soul. At that time, I didn’t, but Idowant it now, Harthon. Genuinely. I need you to believe that. I think that’s the only reason why I’ve felt tugged in this direction,” I finished, turning to meet his eyes, needing to see for myself if there was any accusation in them.
There was none. His body hadn’t even tensed. There was only an analytical look on his face as he considered my story.
“You keep saying that you’ve been pulled or tugged to go a certain way, as if the knowledge is leading you around. Controlling you.” His fingers drew small circles on my right thigh as he thought. “You want it, but you’re not making that clear enough. You’re waiting for the knowledge to come to you, rather than summoning it yourself. Themagvisgave that power to you, Etarla, but you haven’t owned it.”
“Not everything can be taken by force.”
“If you’re strong enough, it can.”
Spoken like a man who always found success through violent domination. “That’s easy for you to say.”
“Only because I’ve made it so. A person isn’t strong or weak. They make themselves strong, or they allow themselves to be weak. It’s a choice.”
I shook my head. “Josenne said I’m not even worthy of that knowledge. How could I own it? I don’t even know where it comes from in me, never mind how to summon it.”
I’d embraced my duty, but skies, was I inadequate. Someone else, someone like Ana, would be better equipped for this responsibility, able to find the path far more easily than me.
“You doubt yourself, and you shouldn’t.”
“I’m not doubting. I’m being realistic.”
Those roaming fingers left my thigh and grasped my chin, firm but careful in their grip. He lifted until I was trapped in his implacable gaze. “You’re not being realistic at all. If you were being realistic, you’d know you’re worthy of that knowledge and able to own it. Now try it,” he demanded, releasing me.
His belief in me shook me to the core.
I swallowed and turned back around, heaving in a breath as I stared out at the reflective walls. I would try.
Show me the path.
Nothing happened when I spoke the words inside my head. I closed my eyes and tried again, more forcefully this time. I was met only with emptiness.
