I’d begrudgingly agreed to let Ash do whatever was needed, financially or otherwise, to make sure my mom still got the care she needed.
As much as the super independent part of me protested the idea, I couldn’t see another way to finally chase my own dreams and not feel the intense guilt about my mom suffering if I stopped contributing to the family via my hockey salary.
Except now that we were pulled up outside my parents’ house, Ash had grown increasingly worried about how both my parents would react to my news.
He’d had a taste of my dad’s wrath when my mom was in the hospital. But that had been Frank Kelly under control, mostly sober, and aware that there were people around him.
Showing up with no notice to the house on a random weekday afternoon was a whole other story.
Especially since I’d asked him to wait outside in the car.
A request I was second-guessing as I took in the cracked, uneven—but thankfully empty—driveway running up to the side of the house.
Regardless of what my mom decided to do, I would handle the brunt of Dad’s reaction to me turning down the contract extension from the Hammerheads.
Willingly walking into conflict made me physically sick. But I’d come to realize, over the past months during my relationship with Asher, that I couldn’t continue to sacrifice all my waking hours doing something I hated because I was afraid of my dad.
Shit, I was still terrified of what he was going to do when I told him the news, but I’d promised myself that I’d pretend to be unaffected no matter what he said.
And I’d assured Ash that I could handle this. Still, he’d insisted on us driving up together. He didn’t want me to have to deal with long hours on the highway up north alone while being stressed out about confronting my dad.
Now that I was here, surrounded by the dirty, slow-melting snow stubbornly resisting the warming spring temperatures, my hand rested on the door handle, unable to pull it open.
Ash squeezed my thigh muscle gently with the hand he’d kept on my leg nearly the entire drive up north. The sensation drew my gaze from the passenger side door, back to the warm, steady pressure of Ash’s palm on top of my jeans.
He was my reminder of why I was here in the first place. Once I’d tasted the joy and safety of our relationship, the misery I was putting myself through couldn’t be the path forward that I chose.
Shifting my hand to lay it on top of his, I began tracing the lengths of his fingers from the knuckle up and around the end of each digit before sliding down the other side. My index finger traversed the lines, scars, and rough spots of his hand.
The motion became almost meditative as I focused on mapping the feel of his hand under mine.
“I’m good with whatever you want. But I’d really like to go in with you if you’ll let me?” Ash’s tone was soft.
His question jolted me back to awareness. If I was going to go through with talking to both my parents, then I needed to get out of the car and go into the house.
I’d maintained the stance that Ash could wait in his Jeep for me while I dealt with whatever reactions my parents might have, but sitting in front of the house now, no part of me wanted to go in alone.
The need to do everything on my own hadn’t given me anything but more hurt and stress over the years. Then Ash had come along and shown me it was okay to let him into my life, into the parts of my life that I’d hidden from everyone else. And more than that, he made me feel truly seen for the first time.
My nerves rebelled, because a deep voice inside me would always whisper that I didn’t have the right to ask for what I wanted or needed.
But now, I needed to push past that insidious voice and move forward.
“Hey,” I began. “I’d really like that. I’m not sure how it’s going to go. At least, the part with my mom, anyway. But no matter what happens, I would like her to meet you just in case. . .”
Just in case we can never come back again.The whispered thought amplified my fear.
Bringing our fingers up toward his mouth, Ash kissed the back of my hand before responding.
“Of course, sweetheart. I was going to have to duct tape myself to this seat to keep from going in after you. This is much better.”
Letting go of each other long enough to get out of the Jeep, we reunited on the sidewalk where Ash promptly entwined our fingers once more.
The crunch of the old kitty litter and sand my parents used to deal with the ice on the walkway under my shoes as I shifted onmy feet grated on my ears. I straightened, picking up the pace of my steps to get to the front storm door.
Blowing out a deep breath, I pressed the doorbell once. Even if I’d lived in this house for eighteen years, nothing inside felt like it was mine anymore.
And I definitely didn’t want to spring an unexpected visit and guest on Mom only a few months after her hip replacement.
