I did it! Haven’t been for months. Usually get home deliveries. And it was hard, but persisted. Walked around fluorescent-lit supermarket carrying wire basket, both of us throwing things in.Head down, shoulders bowed, my breathing was too fast. Flinched in over-crowded aisles or when someone brushed against me, but with Albie’s usual chatter, stuck it out. Only for twenty minutes, and now home unpacking, but with real sense of achievement.
Didn’t ask Albie in as need to decompress. Thanked him with kiss on cheek and said would see him for morning walk. Feeling wired and energised. Maybe proper weekly shop with Albie next time, then try alone after that?
Nothing bad happened. Was like climbing a mountain, reaching summit and gazing down at view.
Wanted to keep buzz going. Took deep breath. What else? Scanned items on counter. Makings for a few meals, then flour,eggs, jam, icing sugar, caster sugar, lemon… Thought I was throwing in random stuff, but… cake. Where—? Rifled through kitchen drawer, looking for— yes, Kirsten’s lemon drizzle recipe. Flipped over paper, reading part of message on back about baking helping with healing.
Ineed to heal.
Have not hoped for so long, but this place, these people… there’s something special here, and can feel hope unfurling. Something didn’t even know was looking for.
Washed hands. No apron, so stripped down to faded uni T-shirt under sweater. Tied hair in knot. Dug around cupboards pulling out bowls, wooden spoons and sieve, telepathically thanking mum for sneakily packing cake tin. Baking’s her thing, not mine.
Turned oven on and read recipe, arranging bowls on counter. No kitchen scales so estimated quantities. Mixing butter and caster sugar, added eggs and sifted in flour. Peeled zest off lemon and folded into mix. Sense of calm descended. Breathing easily, muscles relaxed, and mind cleared of usual anxieties. Put Keane on music streaming service. Tapped foot toEverybody’s Changingas tune rang out. Been in head since Theo sang it. Mouth quirked, recalling unexpectedly rich voice. Seems like good guy. Don’t see him inthatway but enjoy his company. Sometimes chatty, but other times subdued. Not like Ethan, face sunny and open, manner so confident. Passionate about restoring village too. Remember how he stared at me in first meeting, like he couldn’t stop himself. Cheeks heated. Albie said he likes me. Makes my throat tighten, and tummy flip over.
Nope. No way.
Anyway, so, Theo. Yes. Is non-threatening and bereft about his wife. He and Albie help each other, shared understanding as widowers.
Fingers stilled in act of rubbing butter into tin (no greaseproof paper). Should I speak to other people who’ve experienced same trauma, so am not alone with the anger, darkness, fear and mistrust? Maybe, to be kind to myself, find support groups? Not domestic violence, surely for people in relationships with abusers? Three dates hardly count as relationship, though as it turned out what’d been a few nice dinners from my perspective, but ultimately hadn’t set world alight, meant much more tohim.Enough to follow me, watch me, hang around work office, regrettably unseen until it was too late…
Came to with large gasp, clutching bowl with tears dripping down face and landing in cake mix. Shit. Shit. Shit.Mentally reliving it unimaginably horrifying.Stomach ached and pulsed beneath gnarled scars, and was exhausted. But not in trendy bar, surrounded by friends and strangers. Bleeding, hurting, helpless. No, standing at marble kitchen island in flat, music playing and neighbours only a few feet away. First time let myself remember worst of it. First time hadn’t shied away when mind followed the rabbit down the hole.
Gulped. Body shaking. Perhaps baking too much today.
But no, Kirsten right. Mind needs to process. Isn’t that part of reason therapist suggested keeping journal. Can’t move forward if still stuck in past.
Squared shoulders.Be kind to yourself.What did I need in that moment?
To know he didn’t win. I won’t be beaten. Whatever he said that night, I am not his, never will be, and I’m not dead. A part of me is, but only part.
Dropping spoon, wiped face with bottom of T-shirt. Marching over to bin, emptied cake mix out and rinsed bowl. Back to counter, two deep breaths, feeling body settle and trembling subside. Switching the music to play Taylor Swift, took her advice: Begin again.
Later, with cake cooling on rack, noticed three missed calls from my mum. Probably because hadn’t returned last few. Then text from my dad asking me to call. Sent a message.
Hi both,
Sorry missed your calls.
Am okay… Will call you in the week.
Love you xx
Knew it was fobbing them off, but too wrung out to call.
Adored being part of big, loud part-Italian family, in and out revolving door of parents’ house, jostling for authentic spaghetti bolognese at dining table as someone shared gossip about Mr Patel switching Mercedes again. But after leaving hospital, couldn’t handle it. Too noisy, too physical, too in your face. Not them who changed though, all me. As if centre of gravity knocked off axis. Wasn’t fair to keep snapping at them, then avoiding. Only solution was to start somewhere new, with no chance of bumping into that fucking monster.
Fingers clenched around mobile phone. He’s already taken too much. Can’t let him have my family. I won’t. Even if it’s a long-distance relationship, they’re still mine. Can’t keep cuttingthem off. Spending time with Albie’s made me realise life is short. He lost Rose in sudden tragedy, and never got to say goodbye. What if something happened to family member, and hadn’t spoken to them recently? Also, Albie and Theo’s company on morning walks has been enlightening. When we talk, they both look at me like am worth something.
Went back into family group, and hitdelete message for allas they hadn’t read it yet. Called parents and told them to put me on speakerphone. Could feel the smiles in their voices at hearing my voice.
‘You’re not going to believe this,’ I said triumphantly. ‘I went shopping, and then baked a cake. I’ll send a picture in a minute.’
Hearing the words, realised I was being kind to myself by celebrating accomplishments. Chest warmed with pride after catching up with them and ending call. Have started, so must find strength to carry on.
Turning around, realised kitchen tap annoying me all week no longer dripping and cobwebs I’d neglected to clean from inside corner of window vanished, leaving sparkling panes. Weird.
CHAPTER 15
