‘I’m not a therapist,’ Gilly said tiredly. ‘We all have our own shit to deal with. But what do you think might help?’ Taking a deep breath, she broached, ‘The running off has got worse since starting IVF.’
‘The whole thing’s just so painful. I’m physically and emotionally raw, but the thought of giving up is even worse. Guess my fight or flight instinct kicks in…’
‘Maybe I need to ground you then.’ She wrapped both arms around Ariel in an echo of the way she had to hold pupils sometimes to help them de-escalate when their emotions were too overwhelming. ‘I can hold you, and even if we lose our tempers, it doesn’t mean you’re not safe. If you’re struggling, you can go for a walk, but when you get home, we talk calmly before bedtime. Also, we can’t keep sleeping apart because we lose intimacy. Deal?’
Ariel snuggled her damp face into Gilly’s neck, lips hot on her collarbone making her shiver. ‘Deal. Or at least, I can try.’ She pulled back, peering into Gilly’s eyes. ‘I love you.’ Taking a deep breath, she went on earnestly, ‘And I’m sorry. For all the times I’ve lost it and said horrible things. I’m sorry for locking myself away and not acknowledging your feelings, or when I’ve upset you.’ Her face was beautiful, despite being ravaged by tears. ‘I’m sorry we can’t agree on the IVF. I’ll try to listen and do better. Because I love you too.’
Gilly exhaled, stroking Ariel’s cheek with her thumb. ‘Thank you. I’m sorry for not questioning before why you behave likethis. I’m also sorry I can’t give you what you want. I don’t want to cause you pain. I just… can’t put your wishes above mine and cause us more pain. At least, not yet.’
‘I understand. And if you’re not definitely saying no, that makes it less scary.’
‘Why don’t we take a break,’ Gilly suggested, ‘and have a month without talking about IVF? Spend time together without an agenda, enjoying each other’s company. Learn to have fun again. Go on dates. Let go of stress.’
‘Pause for a while? Yes, okay, we can do that. Shall we start now?’
‘How?’ Gilly let Ariel tug her down onto the blanket, the tension in her body dissipating even though there was a clear air of expectation in Ariel’s words. The decision wasn’t made, only delayed.
‘I just want to hold you, and for us to be close. That okay?’
‘Sounds perfect.’ She sighed as they lay down and wrapped their arms around each other on the hard floor. Ariel must still be feeling vulnerable not to be initiating sex to make up. But they’d both said sorry and meant it, and their tenderness as they lay together in the candlelight stroking each other’s hair was reflective of the kindness they’d shown each other.
It was the most at peace Gilly had felt in a long time.
Above them, the wall gave a final ripple and settled into place, and the front door shimmied tighter into the frame, protecting them from the draught.
CHAPTER 13
Albie
Give Someone a Hug When They Need It
Rising early to visit the walled rose garden overlooking the river running behind the manor, Albie took a cleansing breath. It was a relief the air was crisp, because any moisture in the atmosphere made his arthritic knees worse. Today, he could almost feel young again. Believe the years had rewound enough for his wife to still be alive. She’d have loved being here. Life could be so unjust.
‘Why are you wearing such a soppy expression?’ Tori’s voice broke into his musings, and he looked up to see her picking her way across the dew-glistened grass.
He was glad her bearing was more relaxed a few weeks after arriving at the manor. She still checked over her shoulder on their morning strolls – sometimes joined by Theo – and went quiet for long periods, but at times she was almost content. Coming to his flat to type up the notes from the walking meeting, she’d also helped him compile a to-do list, seeming reluctant to return home.
‘Albie?’ She waved her hand in front of his face. ‘You in there?’
‘Yes. Just fancied seeing the roses.’ He gestured at the multi-hued pink blooms, the names familiar because Rose had tended hers with such devotion. Aphrodite, Rosita Vendela, Sweet Unique, White O’Hara, Pink Majolica… They were thriving, like the ones covering the village cottages, although the red blooms on the front of his were still a puzzle. He could’ve sworn they were ivory.
‘It’s a pretty spot.’ Tori interrupted his thoughts again.
‘Yes.’
Her black hair was tied loosely in a French plait, and a cream sweater made her olive skin glow. But it was obvious from her response about Ethan liking her she wasn’t ready for romance, or even to be regarded as attractive.
Gesturing to his outfit, comprising a long beige raincoat, rainbow-striped jumper and jodhpurs, and squinting at the white hair he’d been unable to tame, she asked, ‘Channelling Doc fromBack to the Futuretoday?’
‘Ha. I wondered where you were.’ A voice cut across Albie’s retort as Theo strode into view. He too was changing, dark good looks not as lined by sadness and days filled with tasks for the rebuild as he took on more of a coordination role.
‘Aren’t we walking this morning? It’s a gorgeous day. Julia will—’ He stopped, complexion growing pale as he snapped his mouth shut.
‘It’s okay to talk about her,’ Albie prompted gently. ‘Go on.’
Tori’s face softened in sympathy, aware of Theo’s loss.
‘I was going to say Julia will love it. Forgot for a minute. Stupid.’
