‘Using an egg donor.’
‘What?’ More expense, more heartache and no guarantees.
‘We could find someone younger with better quality eggs to try and produce viable embryos?—’
Gilly jumped up from the floor, furiously brushing herself down. ‘We don’t know for sure that would make any difference.’
Ariel rose too. ‘I can’t see any of other way. Your eggs wouldn’t be good enough quality given your age, and clearlymine aren’t much better. This is the perfect solution. Gah, why are you being so rigid and unfair?’
Gilly’s lips went numb, something inside icing over. ‘I’munfair,I’mthe one who’s selfish. Butyounever seem to consider what I want, or how I feel.’
‘Feelings? How about the fact an adopted child would have no genetic link to either of us, and I’d also miss out on the chance to experience pregnancy.’
‘We’d be on equal footing,’ Gilly spat, ‘and not everything is about genetics. Parenting is the love, care and support as you raise them, which we’d do together.’
Ariel gritted her teeth, starting to edge away. ’You aren’t making sense. You need to decide what the hell you want, because I’m not even considering adoption if we don’t try an egg donor first.’
Gilly blocked the doorway, sick of her partner running off whenever they fought, not noticing the walls were rippling strangely and a bigger draft was coming through the front door. Swallowing, she demanded, ‘Are you giving me an ultimatum?’
‘No. I’m telling y-you it’s a d-deal-breaker.’ Voice wobbling, moisture filled Ariel’s wide green eyes.
Gilly softened, anger defusing. ‘I love you, but we can’t work if you keep going off in sulks.’
Her mouth gaped. ‘It’s not sulking…’
‘What is it then? No more running, Ariel. Please trust me and be honest. We can’t go on like this.’
Ariel gulped, before confessing in a tremulous tone, ‘I need to be alone when we argue because it hurts so much, I can’t talk. I need to shut myself away where no one can hurt me.’ Tears plopped down her cheeks. ‘It takes ages to calm down, and afterwards, I feel horrible and ashamed. I don’t know what to say without re-starting the argument, so I try and pretend it didn’t happen. Easier that way.’
Gilly stepped around the picnic, wrapping her arm round Ariel’s shoulder. ‘Why have you never told me this?’
‘I didn’t think there was any point. It’s who I am.’
‘But people can change their behaviour, if they want to.’ Gilly paused. ‘Do you think it comes from having such a chaotic upbringing?’
‘Maybe,’ Ariel admitted, sniffing.
She’d grown up in a commune with an addict mother and absent father, mostly fending for herself and exposed to a series of overfamiliar men. Spending most of her teens on the streets, she’d chalked art onto pavements for cash. Perhaps the overwhelming desire for a child was a need to create the normalcy she’d never experienced.
‘Do you think it might also be about your ex, Topher?’ A short-lived, rocky relationship with a man with a short temper and big ego. ‘I know he used to shout a lot and cut you off, with no right to offer opinions or make decisions. That must’ve made you feel powerless?’
Ariel wiped her cheeks with her sleeve, understanding dawning in her gaze. ‘Yes. Exactly. I had to lock myself away because he’d get nasty. It was the only way I felt safe until he’d calmed down.’ She looked at Gilly. ‘I didn’t realise.’
‘We don’t always, when it’s about us. But I’m not him. I’d never treat you like that.’
Ariel bit her lip. ‘I know.’
‘Thank you. And your inability to apologise?’ she asked, recalling that morning’s noticeboard sign about saying sorry and meaning it. It was good advice, and she had an inkling who might’ve put it there.
‘What do you mean? I apologise.’
‘No, you don’t. You’ll refer to what’s happened, say you shouldn’t have done it, but you never say sorry.’
‘I suppose apologising means admitting I’m wrong,’ Ariel said slowly, ‘and giving someone ammunition to attack.’
‘But saying sorry only means you regret causing upset, and didn’t set out to hurt the person. We’re all human and get things wrong sometimes.’
‘You said I need therapy,’ Ariel gave a watery smile, ‘but I didn’t think you’d be providing it.’
