“Can we eat in a few? I’m not really hungry now.” I throw on my grey sweats and sit on the edge of the bed as I run a towel over my wet hair.
“Of course. I can make it later.”
Scooting back, I lean against the headboard and hold my hand out to her, needing to feel her next to me. My dad’s passing has rattled me, and I know it’s long overdue for me to break down all my walls. I know she says she loves me, but she only knows what I’ve shown her. I need to know she’ll love the rest of me as well…the side I don’t let people see.
“Come here,” I say, softly.
She curls up next to me, and I immediately feel better as I run my hand through her hair while she lies against my chest.
“When I got home from practice today, the hospital called me,” I say quietly. “I guess the neighbors found him in his yard. He had a massive stroke, and the paramedics never got a pulse back.”
She must sense my trepidation because her arm tightens around me, silently giving me her strength.
“I’m not going anywhere, Knox. You have me.”
I close my eyes at words that I would once not allow myself to feel, but now I let them seep in, causing every part of me to feel stronger.
“My dad only loved one thing in his life, and that was my mother. When she got pregnant with me, she learned she had a heart condition and that having a baby would put too much strain on her body, so the doctors advised her not to go through with it. My dad felt the same, but my mom refused to listen.”
“I would have too,” she whispers.
“Yeah, I know,” I sigh. “You two are a lot alike, and it’s both equally comforting and terrifying.”
“You were her baby, Knox. She already loved you.”
I nod slightly as I push through the memories resurfacing.
“Growing up, I had no idea my mom was sick. She made my dad promise that he wouldn’t tell me. He worked all the time and was barely home, and when he was, I felt invisible. Looking back, I can’t imagine the stress he was going through. My mom’scondition was getting worse little by little, and the medication and doctor appointments caused the medical bills to get higher and higher. She eventually had to take a job so we would have food on the table, and that put even more stress on her body.”
I run a hand over the scruff on my jawline, feeling helpless and wishing I had been old enough to help.
“She hid it so damn well. We did everything together, and she always had the biggest smile on her face. When she found out how much I fell in love with hockey, she was so determined to make it happen for me. She took on extra work to help pay for the gear and practices. She believed in me long before I even believed in myself.”
“She sounds like an amazing mom,” she says softly.
“She was,” I swallow thickly. “I don’t know how she did it, but she never missed a game. Whenever I saw her in the stands, the love and pride I felt when she looked at me made me a better player. All I wanted to do was make her proud.”
“And she is. She’s so proud of you.”
“I really hope that’s true,” I whisper. “Right before she died, she must have had a gut feeling that she wasn’t going to be here much longer. After one of my games, we went out for a milkshake, and she told me about her heart condition. She wanted me to promise that if anything were ever to happen to her, I would never give up on my dreams of playing in the NHL. She also wanted me to promise that I would look after my dad.” I feel the distaste on my tongue with how much that promise cost me.
“She knew we had never had a great relationship, but she blamed it on the financial stress and how we would need each other if she ever passed. I would have done anything for my mom, even promise her that I would try to mend my relationship with my dad.”
I close my fist tightly as my anger toward him rises.
“After my mom died, everything went to hell. My dad started drinking to cope with the pain, and I became the reason he broke. All those years of resentment from Mom choosing me over her own life and his needs…came crashing down on me like a tidal wave. He blamed me for it all. It didn’t help that I looked just like her, and I was a constant reminder of what he had lost.”
“You didn’t break him, Knox. You were just a child,” she says, sitting up and forcing me to look at her. The pain in her eyes for me is more than I can bear as I turn my head to avoid the onslaught of emotions that are rising.
“Then why does it feel like I did? I tried so hard to prove to him that I was worthy of his love, but all I got in return were words that cut deeper than a knife. Every day, I would hear the clang of ice in a glass, and the vodka being poured, and I would pray. Pray that I would get his fists over his words. The physical pain I could deal with, but hearing every day how I killed the one person I loved most in the world was worse than the flames of hell themselves.”
“Knox,” she whispers as her eyes fill up with tears. She suddenly straddles me, burying her face in my neck. “You didn’t kill your mom. She had no idea when she made you promise to look after your dad, that he would choose to drink and become the monster that he turned out to be.”
“But what if I have that same monster inside me, just waiting to break free,” I whisper, holding her tight and letting her know my deepest fear. “His only fault was loving someone so much that nothing else mattered, including his own son. He wasn’t strong enough to fight the pain of losing her, and when I think about losing you…” The words suffocate me and die on my lips as I struggle with the thought of not having her in my life.
Leaning back, she takes my face in her hands.
“You are not him. I know that with every fiber of my being,” she says, placing a hand over my heart. “You have your mom’sheart, Knox. Even though she’s not here physically, she lives in here,” she says, tapping my heart. “You have her undying strength for those that you love. She loved you more than anything in this world, as a parent should, and you carry that love inside you. I feel it every time you are near me. He took enough pieces of you when he was alive, but he doesn’t get anymore.”
