“How long have you been feeling this way?” my mom asks, laying a hand on my cheek. “I didn’t see it.” Her voice is a little strained when she says it, like she’s blaming herself for not knowing what I didn’t know myself.
I laugh a little, shaking my head. “I didn’t know I did feel this way. Sometimes I get…sad maybe? I don’t really know what to call it. It mostly happens when we’re all together, and I think about how, if my life had gone a different way, I wouldn’t have all of this. You guys. Grandma and Grandpa, Hallie and Ben, Julie and Asher, Molly and Gabe, Liv and Brian. This whole family that is the most important thing in my life is mine because of luck and circumstance, and sometimes that thought is too big for my brain to comprehend.”
My mom rubs a hand up and down my back. “This family has nothing to do with luck or circumstance. We’re meant to be, Maddy. All of us.”
“Fuck yeah, we are.” Oliver leans in and kisses the top of my head. “You’re my sister, Mads. Just as much as Gracie is. Blooddoesn’t matter. This matters.” He waves a hand around the circle, and I have to laugh at the earnest expression on his face.
“When did you get so smart, Ol?”
He grins and shrugs. “I’m not just a pretty face.”
My mom laughs and lays a hand on mine. “You were meant to be ours. I was your mom the minute you walked into my office on the day I met you, and I’ll be your mom until I’m no longer on this earth. Nothing you do or don’t do could ever change that. You, your dad, Oliver, and Gracie are my whole world. Your aunts, uncles, and cousins. This family, Maddy. We all made this together, and no one can take it away from any of us.”
I turn around to face my dad. “Is Brian upset?”
“Brian is extremely not upset.”
At Brian’s voice, I whip around and see him and Liv striding across the rink as if they’re strolling a sidewalk and not a massive sheet of ice. Untangling myself from my parents, I stand in my skates and turn just as they approach the carpet, throwing my arms around Brian. “I’m so sorry, Bry. I didn’t mean to put you in the middle of this mess and make you choose between defending me and defending the team. It was a shitty thing to do.”
“Oh, honey,” he says, giving me a squeeze and then pulling back to look at me. “You didn’t put me in the middle of anything. I’ve known about you and Cam for months. I’m married to the worst secret keeper on the planet and, well, you guys might have thought you were subtle, but no one who knows you would miss the heart eyes you’ve been giving each other since September. That article may have been trash, but those pictures don’t lie.”
Liv shrugs with a laugh. “It was good gossip. I know I said it was in the girl code vault, but I had to tell someone. And let’s just call those pictures what they are. They show two people who are crazy for each other, and that is nothing to be ashamed of.”
Brian keeps a hand on my shoulder, wrapping the other arm around Liv’s waist and kissing the top of her head. “I’ve beenready for this for weeks in case the story broke before you had a chance to do it yourself.”
“You’re the reason the article didn’t get much traction,” I say, the missing piece finally dropping into place. “Or, at least, didn’t tank my entire career.”
He shrugs. “I don’t know about that. I just tried to keep the story contained as much as I could.” He gives me a wry smile. “I’m very, very good at my job. I don’t want you and Cam to be hurt. You’re my family, Mads, first, last, and always. And Cam and his kids are family too now. As for the team…” He shrugs. “You’re what’s best for the team. We need you, and you and Cam need each other. I’m the boss. It was easy to make sure that all happened.”
“He’s so hot when he’s going all GM on a situation.” Liv flashes me a grin, and everyone laughs.
“Wait, speaking of going all GM, shouldn’t you be at the game? It’s kind of important and starting, like, really soon.”
Brian, notorious workaholic who loves the Renegades almost as much as he loves Liv and his kids, just shrugs again, and my heart fills with love for him. For everyone sitting on this ice. “I’ll get there, and until I do, they’ll be fine without me.” When he wraps an arm around my shoulders and says, “I had to make sure my family was okay first,” I lose my battle with tears again.
When I pull myself together for the third time, everyone moves over to make room for Brian and Liv and they sit too, Brian grabbing a box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch and digging in, grinning at my dad’s thumbs up. “Next time, don’t keep important shit from me, Mads. From any of us. We protect each other, and we can’t do that if we don’t know what you need protecting from.”
“Goddamn right,” Sarah says, giving the circle spirit fingers like the good former cheerleader she is. “We protect the fucking family.”
“You could tell me you’re a serial killer in your spare time and I would ask if you need help hiding the body.” Emmy reaches forthe second box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch and pours her own bowl. “That is how fucking ride or die I am.”
Sophie scoffs. “You would just help bury the body? I’m going with her to commit murder, Bonnie and Clyde style.”
“They weren’t killers. They were the ones who were killed,” Caitlin says. “If you’re going to choose outlaws, at least choose successful ones.”
“Are there successful outlaws?” Maya muses. “I feel like if we know their names, it means they were caught or killed.”
“I think we’re losing the plot,” Sophie interjects. “The point is, we’re your ride or die, Mads. We’re the ones you come to when you’re sad or scared or when you need a friend to rail about the injustices of the world. And we’re definitely the ones you come to when you fuck up and need help untangling the mess.”
“We love you,” Maya says, her voice softer than usual, and when I look at my oldest friend, there is emotion blazing in her eyes that makes me feel lighter than I’ve felt in days. “I know you needed the time, but I hated not talking to you for a week.”
“Same!” Emmy blows me a kiss from across the circle. “The Smart Bitches aren’t the same without you.”
“We need you, Mads,” Sarah says. “Just the same way you need us. That’s what it means to be sisters.”
“I’m sorry,” I say, my voice raspy with barely leashed emotion. With the love I feel for my parents and my brother. For these women. For my entire sprawling, chaotic family. “I’m sorry I disappeared. My head was in a weird place, and I couldn’t straighten it out. I felt like I didn’t deserve any of you. Like I fucked up my life and everyone else’s too, and it would be better if I just laid low for a while.”
“We deserve each other,” Caitlin says fiercely. “And if you ever feel like you need to run again, you run to us and we’ll fix it. No matter what it is, we can always fix it. None of us ever have to go it alone because we can do it together.” It’s Caitlin’s words that have me exhaling heavily, releasing the rest of the tension I’ve held for days. Cait is who you call in a crisis. Our wartimeconsigliere. The one who holds us all together if we ever start to drift. The keeper of all of our secrets.
