And I do look. He’s organising his pack, sitting on the nest of furs close to the window where he chose to remain even after his fever broke, because walking the ramp to the sleeping platform is a strain – not that he’ll ever admit that’s the reason. Serafine is perched on his shoulder, burrowing her head against the crook of his neck.
That he’s alive after the lightning strike, let alone this intact, is a miracle. I’m surprised the others haven’t guessed at his powers – at what he is. But his jaw is taut, and a sheen of sweat clings to his brow, though the fever has long-passed. He’s in pain. He stands and shuffles to the corner of the cabin to gather up his mace. With each step, he clamps his jaw tighter.
‘Can’t we give him more time?’ Maris begs.
I know she’s right. Blayze needs longer to recuperate, but my mother is waning; it may already be too late. Not to mention our rations are dwindling. Astrophel has managed to snare a few hares, and Tansy has foraged snowberries and simmered broths from snowmelt and the remaining stores in her basket, but our reserves of starfruit are running low. We’re already eating through the parcels we put by for our return journey. The effects of the tincture are also wearing thin, and Arden’s on this mountain somewhere, watching us, waiting to pounce. So many reasons we have to move. So many secrets I can’t share. I search Maris’ face. I want to tell her the truth: about the Sister-Stones, about Arden, about all of it. But I can’t. The tempered part of my heart, the icy callous now girdling it, a consequence of the Shadow I carry inside me and continue to wear around my neck, won’t let me. Not until we’re far enough up the mountain that it’s too late to turn back.
I sense a presence behind me, the comforting scent of sweet hay. Astrophel steps from the ramp leading down from the sleeping platform.
‘Blayze is a big boy, and he’s agreed to make the climb. We don’t want to be stuck on this mountain a moment longer than necessary. Leilani’s right, we should leave now.’
Warmth spreads through my chest. Things are still awkward between us after Astrophel’s half-uttered declaration, the one I wouldn’t let him finish. Occasionally, I catch him staring at me, a haunted expression in his eyes, his aura darkening. But he’s been a tower of strength since that vision of my mother. At least someone’s on my side; I’m not alone.
Astrophel flashes me a conspiratorial smile, then sits to finish attaching his ice-shoes, working one-handed. The other remains bandaged. I would help him, but he refuses all offers of assistance, insisting he’s fine. He’s almost as invested in summiting this mountain as I am, the only one who knows about the Sister-Stones, who understands why I’m itching to start our ascent.
We might still have a chance to save my mother, but only if we leave now.
I worry how Astrophel will fare, especially in the higher passes where he’ll need both arms to climb, but at least he’s recovered enough to attempt it. I can’t in good faith say the same for Blayze. Choosing whether to risk his life by setting out before he’s fully healed should have been an impossible, fraught decision. My fingers twine in the murky streak staining my hair, then move to the starstone strung around my neck. What does it say about me, about what I’m becoming, that it wasn’t – isn’t?
Maris looks as though she wants to argue, but only sighs more deeply. ‘We must hope for the best then.’
She lifts another bandage from the floor, placing it in her lap. ‘I know we didn’t get off to the best start, but I’ve lived the nightmare you’re living now – with your mother.’ She catches hold of my wrist. ‘I’m here if you ever need to talk.’
I freeze, reminded of the way Blayze gripped my wrist, drawing me hard against him. Kissing me. I’m not sure he was fully conscious at the time, but I was. And I kissed him back, despite knowing how Maris feels about him.
She must never find out.
It could jeopardise the alliance, for a start. Without Maris, I can’t re-enact the Blood Bond, I can’t hope to save my mother. More than that, Maris is… Well, she’s something to me and I don’t want to hurt her.
I reach for one of the unspooled bandages. ‘Here, let me help you.’
How could I have been so reckless?
I want to blame that frosted callous on my heart, the ugly streak disfiguring my hair – but no. I’m not lost to Shadow yet; I’m still in possession of my reason; I know right from wrong; and I have to take responsibility for my mistakes.
Mistakes I can’t let happen again.
*
IT’STIMETOgo. Briar raises her head, watching me from the corner of the cabin she’s claimed as her own. Again, a stab of regret low in my gut, a burning behind my eyes, as I meet her stare. I force myself to go to her, bending low to stroke her muzzle. ‘I won’t forget your sacrifices. And if I live through this, I’ll see the Arx Magnum bled, as he bled you.’
Briar noses into my palm. We stay like that for a lingering moment before I turn for the door, ready to join the others who are waiting outside, already a little distance up the mountain.
Except one of them isn’t. Blayze is blocking the doorway.
I search over his shoulder, but he’s alone – not even Serafine with him.
He shifts his weight onto his walking staff. ‘I told the others I forgot something. We should talk. We might not get another chance.’
‘Talk?’
‘Clear the air. I was pretty out of it, Sparkles. But not so much I don’t remember what happened.’ His gaze drops to my lips.
I look away, down at the icy floor. ‘I’ve no idea what you’re talking about. I—’
‘That forgettable, am I?’
My eyes snap up. He’s laughing at me. Of course he is.
