“Oh, sweetheart. I can’t bear to see you like this. Unable to even talk about her. I know it’s hard, but you’ve got to keep strong.”
“I haven’t broken down yet, Dad. This is how. It’s torture to hear about her, it’s torture not to, so I go for the lesser evil.”
“Darius keeps asking after you, in fact, he’ll most likely be on the phone as soon as I step out of here.”
“I don’t want to see him.”
“You talk to him in your letters, why won’t you see him? He could bring Elsa…”
“Please,” I grind out. “Stop asking me. I don’t want her in here, tainted by this very air, and as for Darius and me…”
A tear betrays me, and I quickly wipe it away. It’s not sadness, it’s from anger. If I were to see his face, I wouldn’t be able to keep up the charade I’ve built up in my letters.
“He misses you, sweetheart.”
“Yeah, he tells me that in his letters.”
“Doyou… miss him?”
Who knows what they talk about these days? They’ve grown closer since Elsa was born. I can’t have my dad telling him something that contradicts what I’ve been writing to him.
“Of course I do but if I think about him, I can’t breathe and some of the women in here are just waiting for someone to leech onto and take advantage of. I’ll be able to think better once I’m out of here. If you truly want to help me, donate books to the library. I’ve read just about everything worth reading. It fills my days like you wouldn’t believe.”
The spark begins to burn brighter. His smile genuine and spreading fully across his face.
“That I can do. You want books, I’ll have thousands brought in. I’ll talk to whoever I need to before I leave.”
“Thank you, Dad.”
The rest of the visit flies by and as always, I leave him wishing I was walking out the door with him.
Every step I take back to the block is a step I have to force myself to take. I should be used to it by now but the day that happens, is the day I’ve completely lost myself.
Twenty-six photos tacked to my wall. The first things I see when I wake and the last before I fall asleep. It’s no wonder I dream about her so much. The last one Darius sent me, she’s sat up on her own, wearing a pink bow on the top of her head. That will be Darius’s mother. She bought a bunch of them when Elsa was born, I only put them on her when she was going to see his mom to make her happy. But I hated them. Now I’d give anything to stick one of them on her head and take a picture.
Darius,
I’m doing okay today. I just saw my dad, it was so good to see him. He told me Elsa’s cut her first tooth yesterday. She’s going to have a full set by the time I get out of here. My dad’s going to talk to someone about donating books to the library. And I’m going to start writing, my dad said he’ll read it over chapter by chapter. I’m excited, it gives me something to finallyfocus on. It’ll be nice to do something different other than listen to the women complain about the heat. If I thought I could get my dad to donate air conditioners, I would. Everyone’s cranky and any small thing starts drama. I’m still keeping to myself but it’s difficult to hide from the shit flying around. The other day an argument broke out over a candy bar, one ended up in the hole and the other in medical. I get it’s a big deal in here, but jeez, imagine losing days or gaining a scar over a piece of candy. This place will never not surprise me.
Dad said you keep asking him to talk to me about letting you come visit. You need to stop. I’m just about keeping myself together seeing my dad and having to say goodbye every time. I wouldn’t be able to cope if had to say goodbye to you too. Cuddle Elsa for me, kiss her a hundred times, and tell her how much I miss her and love her. I have to go now, so write soon and know I miss you too.
Amelia.
“That should do it,” I murmur putting my pen down.
“What bullshit are you writing him now?” Lori asks noticing the letter on my lap.
“Just how much I miss him, how hard it would be to say goodbye if he came to visit.”
“And he’s still eating that shit up?”
“So far, yeah.”
“Men, they’re all the same. They’ll believe anything.”
Snorting, I rip the letter from the notepad and shove it in an envelope. Occasionally I get sucked into my own words, it’s tiring to hate someone you love. Someone you once loved.
“Don’t forget it’s movie night tonight, you gonna join me for a little comedy?”
