And my reality is now taking yoga classes taught by a woman who shot her husband because he beat on her, and she felt she had no other choice. She seems nice enough, been in here for eighteen years, but I still keep my distance.
The one thing I hate most about this place is how slow times passes, yet it feels like the outside passes by in the blink of an eye. I fill my days with as much as I can but it’s never enough. Tell me everything you’ve been doing this last week.
Amelia.
I rest her letter above my notepad and start with her pain over Elsa.
My sweet Amelia,
I can’t imagine how it must feel to be away from our daughter. It kills me to know you’re in pain, but I don’t want you to miss out on anything. I take pictures of her every day. Your dad takes videos so you can watch them when you gethome. She laughs now, your dad was pulling funny faces at her, and she giggled. It blew us away, but it was a bitter-sweet moment because you weren’t there. I was so angry when I found out you were pregnant and you were keeping it, I didn’t want to bring children into this world but the night she was born, I knew no matter how ugly this world got, I’d only let her see the beauty. I’ve failed her already, because of me she’s denied the most beautiful sight in the world. You. Her mama.
She’s sleeping now, in her crib, in my room. She’ll be due a bottle soon and when she cries after, it’s not because she’s still hungry, it’s because she knows you’re not here. I tell her about you every single day, every night, every time I bathe her, every chance I get. She’ll never forget you, I swear that to you, Amelia. Our daughter will always know her mama. I need you to believe that and hold onto it. She’ll be the first thing you see when you walk out of there and she’ll be the first thing you hold and smell. She’s just spent the weekend with your dad, he brought her back last night. I’m sure he told you already, he took her to his offices, I think he’s hoping she’ll learn to read before she learns to talk. He’s already talking about setting up a library in one of the many rooms at your house, filling it with all the children’s books he can find. It wouldn’t surprise me if she could read before anything else. She loves to look at the colorful pictures. She’s going to be smart. I can see it in her eyes. She’s going to be like you, beauty and brains. I hope she gets nothing from me. When I think about the future, I see her going off to college, surrounded by friends and she’s happy, Amelia, she’s so happy I sit wondering how because she came from me. When I first told my grandmother you were pregnant, she told me the baby would be the making of me, but she was wrong. It was meeting you. I look back and see how the way I used to be started changing when I met you. I’m going to make this right for you but until then, know that I think of youevery day and I still want to visit, please change your mind, and add me on your list.
All my love, Darius.
Folding the papers in half, I slide them into an envelope and write down her prison number and the address. Placing it under my keys, I check on Elsa and then undress for bed.
Keeping the lamp on, I pull out all of Amelia’s letters and read them from the first one. If I could just set eyes on her, I’d know for sure she’s truly doing okay. Our contacts inside update me but that’s only as far as other inmates causing trouble. I need to see her to know she isn’t sinking into herself. I’ve seen prison break men bigger than me. Stronger than me. It’s one thing believing what she writes to be true, but it could be a load of bullshit on her end.
Elsa whimpers in her sleep and I lean over to see into her crib. She sometimes goes back to sleep but sometimes, like now, the whimpers turn into cries and there’s no chance of her falling back to sleep. Throwing the sheets back, I get up to her and head to the kitchen to warm up a bottle. Amelia’s worried she will forget her but like I promised, I’ll never let that happen.
36
Amelia
My dad appears older, tired. He tries to put on a front that he’s okay, but I see straight through it. CeCe was right all those months ago, you can tell everything by someone’s eyes if you look hard enough. I see it as clear as day that he’s just as empty with this place as I am.
“How’s the publishing house? Find any new stories that are going to change literature?”
He used to have a spark when speaking about work but these days, specifically on our visits, there’s not even any embers.
“I haven’t signed off on anything in over four months. People keeping bringing me empty plots and stories that have been written a thousand times before.”
“How about I write you something? It’s not like I don’t have the time.”
I try to lighten the mood and the spark returns.
“Have you had any ideas come to mind?”
“A couple. I’ll get working on it later.”
“You can send me chapter by chapter and I’ll let you know what I think.”
“Sounds like a plan.” His smile fades and he asks, “Are you going to ask about Elsa.”
My gut tightens and knots. “I know she’s doing good, Darius writes to me twice a week.”
“She cut her first tooth yesterday.”
It’s another milestone I’ve missed and another reason to hate Darius.
“She did?”
His smile returns and it puts me at ease.
“Her hair is getting longer every day, her…”
“I get it, dad, I do.”
