He sighs and says, “She misses her mama. Why did you tell your dad you didn’t wantmeto bring her?”
“Because seeing you reminds me of why I’m here.”
“Then let your dad bring her in. She still needs you,” he pleads.
“And what is it I can do for her here?” I snap trying to keep my voice down. “I can’t feed her, I’ve dried up. She’ll have to be searched on her way in and over my dead body will that ever happen. There are too many reasons why it’s a piss poor idea.”
“She just needs to be held by you, smell you, feel you.”
“Like you fucking care,” I spit. “Has my dad seen her recently?”
“Of course he has, I check in every couple of days.”
“When you’re not busy breaking the law, involved in drugs and drive-bys,” I snipe, not able to help myself.
“Amelia…”
“Don’t, you can’t tell me to do shit. In fact, the only thing I can do for my daughter is get her as far from you as I can. The next time I speak to my dad, I’m getting him to fight for her…”
“I swear, if you get your dad to try and take her from me, you’ll regret it. Besides, how’s it going to look when her mother is behind bars and her dad is not?”
Something in his eyes leads me to believe this is true, but I’m too angry to keep staring at him.
“There isn’t much you can do to me, is there?”
“You’re the only one I don’t want to hurt. Since I met you, you’ve been the centre of my fucking life. You here, you getting hurt… or killed, it’s what I’ve never wanted to happen. Why can’t you see that?”
“Maybe it’s a little difficult to see anything while I’m in here.”
I raise my hand and one of the correction officers comes over and walks me back to the block.
Pacing my cell, I’m sure I’m annoying my bunkie, but I don’t give a rat’s ass. Biting down on my thumb nail, I wear it down until I start to see everything clearly. If I push Darius too far, he could disappear with Elsa. She’ll forget about me and my dad and I’d never find her. I need to change tactics if I’m going to keep Darius on side, at least until I can get out of this place. Once I’m free, I can bring her back and never let him see her again. I’ll keep her safe from the danger surrounding him every single day.
Needing to calm down, I brush my hair until I can breathe without wanting to spit fire and then I reach for my notepad and pen. I can’t do this over the phone, he’ll hear the insincerity in my voice. Putting ink to paper is best, and I begin…
Darius.
I should begin by apologising for how I acted when you came to see me. I hope I can explain, and you’ll understand, maybe even forgive me. I’m angry, I’m scared, I’m missing everything I once knew, and I don’t know how to deal with it. I’ve never felt like this before. Sometimes I feel like my head is going to implode. Seeing you today, all the anger and resentment bubbled to the surface, and I took it out on youbecause when I saw you, I saw everything that happened to me, and you were easy to unleash on.
I didn’t mean what I said, you’re a good dad to our daughter and I’d never break that bond you’ve created. If she’s not with me, I’m happy she’s safe with you. I can admit I’m jealous. I miss her so much it physically hurts. I didn’t think it was possible to feel such strong emotions and not break. Maybe I am broken, so broken I don’t see it myself yet. I’m so confused, and all I have now is time to think it over and over and I still don’t have any answers. I fear the day I find them because I’ll have nothing left to fill my days. I sit in my cell and time moves on and I don’t. I’ve spent my life believing the worst thing to happen to me was having to wait till my eighteenth for my own car. I was such an idiot. Where I am now is not worth everything I had. The choices that have led me to here, I regret every second that passes, but I can’t ever regret meeting you because you gave me Elsa-Marie.
I think it’s best if you don’t come to visit for a while, I need to figure out how I’m going to get through this on my own and I can’t handle seeing you and then watching you leave without me. I hope you write me back but if you don’t, I get it.
Amelia.
What a load of crap. I read over what I’ve written and pray he believes every word. It’s all I have left to get me through the day. When I’m released, it will be me and my daughter together without any threat from her father or his way of life.
35
Darius
Locking up behind me, I turn the lamp on in the living room and see the envelope addressed to me perched against the fruit bowl. It’s the fourth one I’ve received since she lost her shit with me on the last visit she let me come to.
She’s much softer in her letters, much more vocal about her feelings and her fears, goals, and dreams. I soak in every word she writes, rereading them repeatedly every night. Time’s moving on, each day like a month and some days I can deal, and some days, it takes everything I have not to lash out at everyone around me. Shutting down the house, I make my way to my room and kick my boots off. I check on Elsa, sleeping in her cot, and I kick back on the bed, tearing into the envelope. Her writing is always neat and easy to read.
Darius,
I don’t know whether I look forward to the photos of Elsa you send or dread them. I love seeing her little face, her big brown eyes so much like yours and her hair growing long enough to curl. But it hurts so much seeing how big she’s getting and knowing I’m missing it all. I read your letters every day,inhaling every detail you tell me about her. Sometimes I feel like I’m stuck in a nightmare I can’t wake up from. A never-ending cycle of torture I never knew existed. I’m a mom without her baby and I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. It’s not only my cries I hear at night, but other mothers also missing their babies. But it’s only my tears I feel. I’ve forgotten what it feels like to not fall asleep on a damp pillow. But it reminds me I have a reason to count down the days. You’re both my reason. It’s you two that I dream of when I do find sleep. I dream of us at the beach, Elsa running in the sand and laughing when you splash her as we paddle on the shoreline. I dream of us pushing her on the swings at the park, the sun shining over us and sharing a picnic. I have so many dreams but then I wake and all I see is the bunk above me and I’m back to reality.
