"Hmm?" I bring my focus back to Eli, ignoring the sudden urge to go right back to pumping iron in the gym and skip lunch altogether.
His brow furrows. "I asked if you're good."
"Yeah. I'm fine. Why?"
Eli shakes his head. "Sleeping barely four hours a night and killing yourself in the gym is not going to fix things with her."
My jaw clicks. "And how exactly am I supposed tofixanything with her when I've been forbidden from speaking to her? From evenlookingat her? Hmm?"
He sighs and the way his stare drops from mine tells me he doesn't have any damned suggestions for me, either. Because how the hell do you even come back from complete apathy?
Eli rubs at the back of his neck. "I don't know, man. You'll have to get creative."
I scoff. "Maybe if she'll talk to me—even if it's only for the mission—then…"
I growl and throw a hand through my hair. "I have no idea how to do this, E."
I've never been good at apologizing, and this time, saying the words 'I'm sorry' isn't going to come close to cutting it. I have no idea what I'm doing, and everything I think to try doesn't seem right. I'm just as liable to fuck things up between us even more as I am to fix them.
Eli shrugs. "Look, you know Sev and I are angry about what you did. It was impulsive, needlessly extreme, and downright fucking stupid. You hurt her. Maybe not physically, but weknow better than anyone that hurt in here—" He knocks on his chest. "—can leave much deeper scars. She trusted you, and you betrayed her."
It's nothing he hasn't said already, but hearing it again stings even more than the first time he said it. We trusted someone once, and he betrayed us. I know how that feels.
"Me and Sev know you, Atticus," Eli continues. "We know how uncompromising you are with our safety. That you're always thinking three moves ahead, even when it's to your own detriment. Aurora doesn't know you like that. She doesn't know you'll happily be the villain if it means we alllive."
I try to unclench my fists, but I can't.
I know I should be grateful Sev and Eli get it, at least for the most part, but I can't help feeling like it doesn't matter. Every day she ignores me, it's like I'm getting smaller. Soon, I'm going to vanish entirely.
Eli gives my shoulder a squeeze. "Give her time. You'll figure it out."
"Will you talk to her now?"
He frowns, confused.
"About going over the plan," I press.
He winces. "Not right this second."
My fists clench tighter. "Why not?"
"It's the warmest day we've had in weeks. Let her enjoy it, man."
"But—"
"I promise I'll talk to her about it later."
Before I can argue any more, Eli slips through the back door, and away from this conversation.
I refuse to even look out into the sunny afternoon, ignoring Sev's laughter as I head straight for the stairs, descending into the cooler temperature of my bedroom. My shower is evencolder, but I can barely feel it. Maybe my heart really is made of ice. Maybe ghosts can't feel the cold.
But even here in the shower, I close my eyes and I seeher.Angry, betrayed, and terrified. Because of me.
It's the same at night. When it was happening and I was lost in my delusional fucking spiral, I didn't notice the hurt in her eyes. Or the way her lower lip had quivered. How she alternately recoiled from me and stood her ground, fists clenched and body trembling. I see it now, though. It replays overand overagain.
My stomach drops and I lean into the stream of cold water, but even the shock of cold can't erase the feeling, or the vivid images of her seared into the backs of my eyelids.
It would've been better if she'd shot me. I wish she had. Not lethally, but maybe getting even might've helped things. Maybe if there was a still healing bullet wound in my body inflicted by her, I wouldn't have to feel this…this…
