“You mean you didn’t enjoy listening to my daughter tell me what a horrible father I am?”
“I think Greyson was saying the opposite of that, actually.”
Alex nodded, staring out at the road ahead. “Mia and Kitty okay?”
I squeezed the coffee in my hands. “I wish I knew. They’re still asleep.”
He set his hand palm up on the center console. I saw the gesture for the invitation it was and placed my hand in his.He’s leaving, I thought. But carpool buddies could hold hands, right? Surely a little hand-holding wouldn’t put me in danger of heartbreak and van sex.
“Should I put on thePissed-Off Bad Bitchplaylist?” Alex asked.
“Nina?”
“How’d you know?” he said, shooting me a smile.
“I think it’s her most listened-to playlist during charter season.”
Alex rolled down the windows and played the music as loud as we could stand. We shouted along to the lyrics, and by the time we pulled into the marina, I was feeling a little better about everything that had happened.
Once he’d parked, Alex turned in his seat to face me. “I’m going to miss you when we go,” he said.
I looked down at my hand in his. “Don’t start saying goodbye yet.”
“Hey,” Alex said. I glanced up at him, catching the hesitation that flickered over his face. “We could try it. Long-distance. We could visit each other every month or something.”
When he looked at me like that, I wanted to say yes. It soundedromantic, getting on a plane and crossing the country to see each other. But what kind of relationship would that be? If Beth and Mark couldn’t make it when they lived under the same roof, what chance did Alex and I stand thousands of miles apart? I shook my head. “It’s too complicated.”
“We don’t have to have it all figured out right now,” he said.
I closed my eyes, a wave of sadness passing over me. “Please, Alex. It’s just easier this way. A relationship like that wouldn’t be worth it.”
“You don’t think something is better than nothing? We can figure it out.”
I sighed. “We’ll only hurt each other.”
“You can’t know that.”
Alex’s sincerity needled me. Why did he have to make this harder than it already was? Didn’t he understand I was only trying to protect both of us? “You alreadyarehurting me,” I said, pulling my hand from his to press my fingers to my temples. “I get it. You’re this happy-go-lucky guy who believes in fate and destiny. But life isn’t a fairy tale, Alex. There is no happily ever after.”
Alex laughed, but there was no humor to it. “I hate to wreck whatever image you have of me, but I don’t exactly see my life as a fairy tale.”
So much had happened over the last twelve hours that I couldn’t think straight. I was tired, and confused, and didn’t want to talk about this. Not now. Not ever. If this conversation continued, I’d end up doing what I always did: lash out, say things I didn’t mean, push him away. I grabbed the door handle. “Let’s just go inside.”
“Hold on, Jo,” Alex said. “Say it, whatever it is you want to say to me.”
I turned to him, my annoyance flaring into the anger I’d felt last night in the car with Mia and Kitty. “This is what you do, right? You decide what’s best for everyone, but you don’t actually know what you’re doing. Any opportunity to turn your life upside down and you go for it. It’s so easy for you to leave, because none of it really matters to you, does it? You’re so busy being a martyr that you end up hurting people.”
“That’s not fair,” he said.
“You’re right, it’s not. I think Greyson would agree with me.”
Alex’s expression darkened. “Yes, I’ve given up a lot. You don’t even know the half of it, but I don’t expect you to understand. How can you when you’re so busy protecting yourself?”
“That’s not—”
“You’re so afraid of getting hurt that you make yourself miserable. Isn’t keeping everyone at arm’s length exhausting? Aren’t you tired of it?”
I turned away, unable to look at him. TheSerendipitysat prettily on the water, stark white against a cloudless blue sky. At least on deck I knew what to expect: when the guests would arrive, what they wanted from me, when they would leave. “Yes, Alex, it is exhausting. But it’s better than the alternative. You can dream up ways for this to work, but when it comes down to it, you’re leaving, and I’m tired of being left.” I didn’t look back at him as I swung open the door. “Don’t wait for me after work, I’ll have Nina give me a ride home.”
