He stood at the sink again, hands back in the water.Reel it in, Jo, I told myself, and stood beside him. Shoulder to shoulder, we fell into a steady rhythm: wash, dry, put away. Neither of us spoke, though it was the loudest silence I’d experienced in a long time.
Mia, Kitty, and Greyson laughed, and Alex shot me a sideways smile as he passed me another plate. He didn’t need to say anything, becauseI knew exactly what he was thinking: there was no better sound in the whole world. I strained to hear the girls’ voices. Their laughter made me want to be in on the joke, to have one more perfect moment.
“You know what I want?” Mia said when the laughter died down.
“What?” Greyson said.
“Red hair.”
“Red hair? That’s what you want?”
“Yup. But not the natural kind of red. Like fire-engine red.”
“It’s true,” Kitty said. “In that video game,The Sims, she made herself with red hair. She also made her crush, Mason, and had them get married and—”
“Kitty! What did I tell you about playing my profiles?”
Alex’s shoulders shook with barely contained laughter beside me, making it more difficult to hold in my own.
“You should totally do it,” Greyson said. “Why haven’t you?”
“Because Mom would kill her,” Kitty said. The girls fell into silence, and Kitty spoke again, her voice quieter than before. “Red was Sam’s favorite color.”
“Duh. Why do you think I want red hair?” Mia said.
My stomach tightened at the mention of Samson. All the warmth of the evening left me. I looked down at the dish towel in my hands, willing myself to keep moving.
I could feel Alex watching me. His hands stilled in the sink, but I kept moving the dish towel in circles over the already-dry plate.
“Do you remember the night he died?” Kitty asked.
“Yeah, of course,” Mia said, sounding annoyed.
“I don’t remember,” Kitty said. “That whole day, I don’t remember it. And...” Her voice broke, and she paused. Why had Alex stopped washing the dishes? I turned away from him and put the plate in the cabinet. He could see I was fine, really, I was. “I’m starting to forget him too,” Kitty continued. “I can’t remember what his laugh sounds like. Is that normal?”
“Jo.” Alex put his hand on my arm, but I pulled away.
“You don’t have to remember it,” Mia said. “Just watch his stupid YouTube channel.”
“I forgot about that,” Kitty said.
My entire body ran cold, and I froze, white-knuckling the counter. Samson had a YouTube channel? Beth had never mentioned it. Did she even know?
“It’s just boring gaming stuff,” Mia explained to Greyson. “You don’t even see his face, but he laughs a lot on it. Here.” I glanced at the table and saw Mia pull out her phone.
“Jo,” Alex said again, and I shook my head, pressing my lips together to keep them from trembling.
Samson’s voice suddenly, jarringly, filled the condo. I let go of the countertop, my chest so tight I could hardly breathe. “The mail. I have to... I really better go get it...”
I left the kitchen without looking back at Alex. Kitty and Greyson stared at Mia’s phone. Mia looked up at me as I passed, but I couldn’t make out her expression through the tears blurring my vision.
I pushed my way out of the condo and hiked up the bottom of my dress, running barefoot down the walkway and up the steps to the beach. I opened the gate with shaking hands and didn’t stop running until my toes touched the water.
The sand was cool just beyond the ocean’s reach, and I sat down near where the turtles had hatched on the night Alex caught me skinny-dipping in the condo pool, hoping the roar of the ocean would overwrite Samson’s voice in my mind. But the tide was going out and would only get quieter as the water pulled away. I tried to keep from crying, but a sob broke loose, and once the tears started, I couldn’t stop them. I cried harder than I had when Mom called to tell me what had happened, harder than I had at the funeral or when I’d snuck into his room. I cried because I’d been perfectly content standing in the kitchen with Alex. Because up until now, it had been one of the best nights of my life. Buthow could that be? How could it be possible for my life to become wonderful when he wasn’t here?
At the sound of my name, I drew my knees up to my chest, wrapping my arms tightly around my legs.Alex.Why had he come here? Couldn’t he see I wanted to be alone?
I kept my face turned away from him. “I’m fine,” I said when he stopped beside me.
