“You don’t look fine.”
I stretched out my legs and dug my toes into the wet sand, watching a wave flood in. It washed over my toes before falling back into the ocean again. “I needed some air.”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“No.” Alex continued to stand there, not speaking. “Can I help you with something?”
“No,” Alex said, voice gentle.
I pressed my hands to my temples and squeezed my eyes shut. “I’m sorry. Really, I’m fine. I’ll be back inside in a...” My voice trailed off as Alex lowered himself into the sand beside me. “What are you doing? I said—”
“That you don’t want to talk about it. I won’t say a word. Just let me sit with you.”
Alex rolled up his pant legs and stretched out his legs beside mine, getting his tux covered in sand. He looked out at the water, and I remembered how Samson and I used to sit like this and watch the sunrise, maybe in this very spot. Emotion caught in my throat again, and I tried to keep it in. I didn’t want Alex, or anyone else, to see me like this. But then I heard music. Down the beach the bounce of a flashlight moved toward us—a runner with a radio strapped to their side. As the runner came closer, the music grew louder. The song ended and commercials played, harsh and obtrusive as they hawked Taco Tuesday specials and CoolSculpting fat loss procedures, louder and louder, until the runner passed, and the sound retreated. I started laughing: an uncontrollable,stomachache-inducing laughter. I buried my face in my hands, laughing so hard tears slipped down my cheeks, and in an instant, I went from laughing to weeping.
“It’s not fucking fair,” I said, my sadness turning to anger as I watched the runner’s light fading in the direction of the pier. “It’s... wrong. I don’t understand, Alex. He was here, and then he wasn’t. He was fine. He was riding his fucking bike! We were supposed to go to a fucking Marlins game this summer! My sister, she didn’t deserve this. And Mia and Kitty, they loved him. They were all so close. Fuck!” I shouted, and closed my eyes, trying to push away the anger, but it wouldn’t leave me. “I know I’m just his aunt. I should be getting better by now, right? I have to be there for everyone else. But he was family. Beth and Mark and the kids, they’re the only family I have.”
Alex hardly moved through the laughter and the crying and the ranting. I thought of the closeness that had grown between us and the strange combination of ease and tension I felt whenever he was around. I’d told Nina it was easier to be single. But there was more to it than that. Wasn’t it obvious I was too much of a mess to love?
And then Alex wrapped his arms around me. I let him pull me to him, burying my face in his chest. “You’re right,” he said. “It’s not fair. Of course you’re still upset.”
I cried, taking in the comforting, never-changing smell of him, which only made me cry even harder. If I let this smell and the reassuring sound of his voice shushing into my hair become familiar to me, that meant one day they would be gone, whether by choice or, as Alex would call it, fate. And then what would happen to me? Anyone could be taken in an instant. They could die, or leave, or change. You could spend eighteen years together, like Mark and Beth. You could do everything right and still not make it. I thought of my sister and the question I’d wanted to ask her ever since the night Samson died.Was it worth it? If you’d known what would happen, would you do it again?
When my breathing was even, I looked up at Alex. His face wasinches from mine as he held me. His hands were firm against my back, and as I searched his eyes, full of warmth and kindness, all my excuses for why I couldn’t have him fell away. All I could hear was the roar of the ocean, the quiet rhythm of his breath on my cheek. Before I could think, before I could change my mind, I leaned forward, drawing closer as if pulled by a magnet. Alex’s arms tightened around me, but he didn’t move. His lips were a mere breath away, one more moment, and we’d be—
“Jo,” he breathed. He pulled back gently, the smallest of increments, and shook his head. “I don’t—”
“Oh, oh my God,” I said. I turned away from him. “I’m so sorry.” I shrugged off his arms and stood. Alex reached out to grab my hand but only caught air. “I don’t know what I was thinking. I’m just so...” I pressed my palms to my eyes. How had I read things so wrong? How had I let myself get so close?
“Jo, wait—”
“You’ve been such a good friend, Alex.” I tried to keep my voice steady. “That was a mistake. I didn’t mean...”
Alex got to his feet. He stepped closer, but I turned away and caught sight of the pool glowing softly up by the condo. If I looked at him, I’d start crying, and what if I said something I regretted? What if I embarrassed myself again?
“Jo, listen—”
I needed to leave before he could try to make me feel better. He’d say it was no big deal, or that he understood, which would only make me feel worse. I felt his hand on my shoulder and pulled away. “I have to go,” I said, and ran back up the beach, the wind swallowing the sound of him calling my name.
Fourteen
Mia, Kitty, and Greyson were still in their dresses when I returned to the condo. The three of them stretched out on the sofa bed, a bowl of popcorn between them as they watched TV.
“Hey, girls,” I said, hoping I could sneak past them and into my room before they noticed I’d been crying.
“Hey, Aunt Jo,” Kitty said without looking up. Mia had lifted her head as soon as I walked in, staring at me with that same hard look she’d worn a few weeks ago when I’d asked how she was feeling.
Greyson, always the most energetic of the three, sat up and folded her legs beneath her. “Where’s your mail?”
“What?”
“Your mail. You went to check the mail.”
Right.“Uh, it was all junk.”
Fortunately, Greyson seemed appeased by this. “That’s all we seem to get too. Did you see my dad? He went to check the mail, too, but he hasn’t come back.”
“No,” I said. I bent down to put Mia’s and Kitty’s shoes on the shoe rack, hoping it would keep the girls from getting a good look at me. “I must’ve just missed him.”
