“Yeah.” Though we’d turned off the camping lantern, I could still make out his face in the light leaking in from the city around us. “You?”
Alex leaned back onto his hands. “Have you ever had to make a decision where you’re pretty sure you know what the right thing is, but it doesn’t feel like the right thing?”
Not what I’d expected him to say. I set the Dramamine back into Nina’s bag and wrapped my arms around my knees. The question reminded me of the day I’d moved in with Beth and Mark. I’d known it was what I needed but still felt guilty for leaving my mother.
“Hasn’t everyone?” I said.
Alex shrugged.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
Alex looked pained as he ran a hand through his hair. “Yes. But I can’t. There are other people involved, and it wouldn’t be right for me to tell you about it before I talk to them.”
Now I was really intrigued. “I’m guessing this decision is why you can’t sleep.”
“Good guess.”
“I’m sure you’ll do the right thing.”
Alex sighed. “I hope you’re right. But what about you? Why can’t you sleep?”
“I keep thinking about the list,” I said, omitting the part where I was thinking abouthim.
“What about it?”
“It doesn’t matter. It’s irrational.”
“We’re yachties,” Alex said. “We’ve both heard a lot of irrational things. I think I can handle it.”
I looked down at my knees, trying to decide whether I should tell him or not. Maybe if I got it off my chest, I’d be able to fall asleep. If Nina were awake, I’d talk to her. But she continued snoring faintly between us.
“The items I have left are the hardest for me. They scare me. Almost everything I put on the list scares me, actually.”
“Sleeping in a castle scares you?”
I laughed. “Of course not. I meant cooking, and singing onstage, and—”
“Kissing a stranger.”
“No.” I looked up at him. “That one didn’t scare me.”
There was a beat of silence, and I thought I saw him smile. “Okay, so tell me about the fear.”
I hesitated for a moment, wondering if what I was about to tell him would change his opinion of me. Alex was open and sure of himself, but I was none of those things, and the inspiration for my list was evidence of it. “Remember Shitty Peter?” I said.
“Who could forget someone with a name like that?”
I set my chin on my knees. “I kind of lost sight of myself when we were together. Things with Peter were either great or awful. When they were awful, he’d tell me I was crazy or overreacting, and I believed him because I was scared he’d leave. I guess I thought being in a bad relationship was better than being alone.” My throat tightened, and I shook my head. “I don’t think that anymore, though. I’d rather be alone. Like I said, it’s irrational.”
“You’ve lost a lot of people you care about. It makes perfect sense you’d feel that way, even if said person was shitty.”
“Yeah, I guess,” I said, grateful he could make the connection without my having to spell it out. “I’m sure you’ve noticed, but I don’t let alot of people into my life. It’s why I don’t have many friends. Peter charmed me. I still can’t believe I fell for it.”
“It’s not your fault.”
“You weren’t there. You can’t know that.”
“But I know you. It could happen to anyone, Jo. Especially someone who cares so much about other people. It says everything about him and nothing about you.”
