Power.
I continue to stand here and wait, even resting back on the doorframe, nervously wringing my hands together in front of me, waiting for his attention. He’s leaning back comfortably in his leather chair, his fingers tapping meticulously on his desk, serious eyes roaming around the room while he talks business on the phone. It’s hard not to notice that he’s looking everywhere but at me. But I’m sure that’s just Kira getting in my head.
He’s my first serious relationship, and it’s difficult to look at him and not feel love. Do I wish that his face lit up when I walked into a room?
Yes.
Does it happen?
No.
Do I wish he would race home at the end of the day to get me in his arms as quickly as possible?
Absolutely.
Do I wish he would ravish my body and make me feel wanted and desired?
Fuck yes.
Does that happen?
Unfortunately, not for too long.
I hate that my conversation with Kira this morning has taken over my headspace. I know that I want more from a relationship, especially one that I’m committing myself to for the rest of my life. I’m not against divorce, and if things head south in a relationship, I’m a full supporter of it. But no one gets married with the intention of it ending that way. I agreed to marry Blake, and I’m in it for the long haul. I will just need more from him if it’s to go all the way.
But as I stare at him, it really sinks in how disconnected we are. The second he started his new job, everything we had dissipated. His motivation used to be what I loved most about him, and now it’s what has ultimately come between us. We rarely have sex, and even hugs or stolen glances have become an anomaly.
In fact, the only way I get an orgasm is by my own hand these days. But it’s just a lull. Those fade, and then it’s something new. We’ll find our rhythm. We have to.
Just as I give up and turn to head out the door, over standing here awkwardly and uncomfortably, Blake speaks up.
“Hey. Did you need something?” he asks with quick, hushed words as he covers the speaker part of his phone.
“Just popped in to say hi before I decompress on the couch with a cider and watch a show. Wanted to see if you wanted to join me.”
“Oh, I thought it might have been important the way you were hovering. I’m going to be working late tonight. Some things have come up that I need to tackle before tomorrow.” His words sting, and I can’t hide my disappointment. The fact that he can’t lift his head a mere few inches to look at me while he talks also speaks volumes. There’s always something important that comes up. It’s endless. How does an accountant have so much constant work?
“I just thought maybe we could spend some time together tonight. I had a really rough day,” I say, almost pleadingly, while I blatantly hide my displeasure. I don’t want to be needy when he’s stressed with work, too. Blake huffs, his irritation palpable in the large room, radiating off of him in waves that make me take a step back.
“How about this weekend we meet up with Joffrey and Lexi for dinner and drinks? I’ll step away from work, and we can get out of the house together. We’ll have some fun like we used to,” he suggests, and I nearly roll my eyes into the back of my head. An icepick to the eye socket sounds more pleasurable than a night out with Blake’s newly married best friends. Fairly certain it’s an arranged marriage, but I’m not going to ask. Even if Kira has been begging me to since I first vented about them to her.
Joffrey is a blowhard who struts through life convinced he’s the smartest guy in any room. He’s basically the universe’s cruel joke, a man powered entirely by ego and the sound of his own voice. Every sentence he utters is dripping in smugnessand misplaced confidence, a masterclass in how to talk endlessly without saying a single worthwhile thing.
His new wife, Lexi, likes to walk around with a stick shoved up her tight ass and turns even the smallest of gatherings into her own personal royal court. She’s a lawyer by day, but you couldn’t tell based on her favorite topics of discussion—shopping, refurnishing their home, and vacationing in bougie places I’ve never heard of.
Meanwhile, I could give two shits about any of that and find happiness in anything but their superficial, surface-level bullshit. They’re the type of cringy couple where you look at them and instantly know they have scheduled missionary vanilla sex once a week, or he parades her around on a leash with a tailed butt plug up her ass. There’s for sure no in-between. It’s one or the other. I’m tempted to ask, but I can imagine Blake’s horror if I did. The thought merely makes me laugh.
However, both options of play would be livelier than the action that takes place in our bedroom. Joffrey and Lexi are still having more sex than I am, so I guess they’d be winning over me in that category.
Blake and I have had many discussions regarding the two of them, as if the more we talk about them, the more I’ll actually enjoy their presence. At a minimum, double dates with them are vomit-inducing. At max, I’ve left with a migraine. I can’t stand elitists who treat people like they are beneath them, and stripped down to their bones, Joffrey and Lexi are exactly that. They lack humanity. Rich assholes who hoard their wealth, when if I had it, I’d do so much good, help so many. I let my eyes roll to the back of my head and dramatically drop my shoulders. This was the last thing I imagined when asking to spend time together.
“I’ll have to look at my schedule for this weekend. I’m supposed to go to a shelter in Amberwood and help with a momma and her puppies they’re expecting from Oregon.”
“Ahh, right. Well, I need to finish this call. Enjoy your movie.”Show.
“Okay . . . night, I guess?”
When he doesn’t offer me another glance, I slink out of his office and shut the door, the quiet of the huge apartment wrapping around me in an eerie loneliness that I don’t want to acknowledge right now.
