While I would much rather stay at home and watch movies or sit outside by a fire and roast marshmallows, Kira is so good at pulling me out of my comfort zone, while I’m good at keeping her calm and steady. We balance each other perfectly.
And while I know she’s not wrong, I’m not living my life to the fullest and am well aware that I’m not as happy as I could be; that’s just this season of life right now. I’m a realist, not a dreamer like Kira. And not every season of life is going to be rainbows, butterflies, and a constant supply of orgasms.
“I’m just saying, I hate seeing you like this, and after years of hearing you complain about the same things . . . babe, if things were going to change, you know they would have, right?”
“I love you for it, I do, Kira. Blake and I are just extremely career-focused right now,” I argue. “I’d like to see you juggling a partner with how immersed you get in your writing. Especially when you’re approaching deadlines. It’s no different for Blake and me. It’ll get better; it’s just a rough patch. Those are normal.” Or so I’ve heard from my Google searches and forum reads. I take a sip of my latte, which has lost its appeal, the taste bitter on my tongue.
I met my boyfriend—correction, fiancé—while I was in the last few months of veterinary school and was instantly swept up in the attention. I had spent the majority of the last eight years of college in the library studying or volunteering during every free opportunity. It was so easy to lose myself to the hustle of school, so the attention I was receiving from Blake—the casual fun nights of hooking up—developed into a steady relationship before I realized that’s what we were. It was easy to justgo along with the natural progression of things. He was extremely good-looking, a charmer, and was completely enamored by me in a way that I had never experienced before.
Was it ever thrilling? No. Exciting? Not really. But are those things even my jam? It was stable, comfortable, safe, and seemed like the logical choice. I’m a girl who doesn’t like to take chances. My whole life, I’ve played it safe, and choosing who to spend the rest of my life with was no different. I’ve always done everything that was expected of me. I’m kind, accepting, compassionate, and a hard worker. I’ve always wanted a laid-back, simple life and have made decisions to bring that to fruition.
Meeting Blake and being swept up with his tide seemed like the right path, the correct path, the safe one. Do I long to have that ‘can’t stay away from each other, I’ve only got eyes for you’ kind of love? I know deep in my heart, even if I try to ignore it most days, I desperately want to find that kind of love, one that takes my breath away. I want to feel like the center of someone’s universe, to have someone so in tune with me that he can read my thoughts and needs by just my expressions or body language.
But the truth of it is, that’s not real life. Blake and I are in the midst of building a life together. We’re two independent people, still trying to figure things out. What we have is long-lasting. It’s better than a fast-burning flame that will eventually run out of heat.
“Last thing I’m going to ask, and I promise I’ll drop it. But what about the passion you used to dream about? Ever since we were little, you wanted that soul-crushing, sickening love that makes you so happy you’re delirious. Your Barbie dolls would be disappointed in you, my girl. Since you’ve been withfucknuts, your work is your happy place, and that’s about it. We’ve known each other almost our entire lives, and I’ve never seen you settle, and yet here we are. Settling down withhim.” She says the word ‘him’ like it’s personally offended her.
My relationship with Blake isn’t exactly an easy topic to defend to her, especially because I can’t reason with her when she’s such a dreamer. Kira would never settle. It’s why she claims herself to be eternally single until she meets the one she can’t live without. Instead, choosing to write about love affairs that transcend time, reality, and destiny.
Kira is right, when I was little, I used to dream about two things: being a veterinarian and being so madly in love that my husband and I made our children gag when they looked at us. But it doesn’t change the facts. Blake and I are partners. We’ve been together for three years, and while our life lacks passion, we’re happy. Stable. Do I vent about not being on his radar most days? Of course I do. I would love to come home to a man eager to see me, but Blake is busy, and I know as soon as things calm down for him at work, I’ll be his focus.
In the nearly three years we’ve been together, I’ve witnessed him lose countless hours of sleep and skip dozens of dinners and plans with me in order to keep his goals at the center of his focus. It was something that I thought was attractive at one point. To say the man was dedicated and driven would be a massive understatement.
But we’re a team. When I wanted to work at Bloomfield Animal Haven, the local animal shelter closing its doors due to lack of funding, Blake supported me in my efforts. I emailed and lobbied everyone I could think of to secure funding for it. It took me months, but I was undeterred. Eventually, an anonymous donation came in.A big one. And every month since,there’s been more. It’s been more than enough to keep the shelter up and running, plus pay my mediocre salary. Blake was so happy for me at the time, and I remember the expensive dinner we had to celebrate. While I wasn’t exactly thrilled about the location or the dress code, the thought was there, and his heart was in the right place.
A smile pulls at my lips as I think about my animal shelter and all the good I get to accomplish by working there. It’s a dream come true, and nothing means more to me than my job. It’s what makes me understand Blake’s focus on his career. Climbing the corporate ladder is what’s important to him right now. I can respect that, it’s what partners do.
“Trust me, my girl, I am happy.”
“Your work makes you happy.”
Maybe that’s all I need.
By the timeI walk into the house from a full day at work, I’m ready to unwind. Today was one of those unpredictable days where the hits just kept coming. I love my work as a veterinarian, but it comes with days that are so draining and mentally taxing, and today was one of them.
We typically schedule all of our surgeries for the morning, and afternoons are spent on medical cases. Today, we had two dogs come in that were hit by vehicles, one that required emergency surgery, and the other with two bones that needed to be set and splinted. A family dropped in to surrender their two catsbefore their overseas move, which shattered my heart, and an elderly dog was brought in from a sweet old man who had been trying to humanely capture him to get him some help. His fur was badly mangled and matted, and we had to sedate him just to get him the care he needed. IV fluids, medicine, and we had to remove several abscesses from his skin once we got his coat shaved down and taken care of. He’s the sweetest, and I stayed late to offer him comfort and hand-feed him, something he refused to accept. I’ve named him Harvey, a name that suits him well. I’m eager to get back in tomorrow to check on him and see how the antibiotics are helping. I just need to get him to eat on his own.
On my way home, I stopped at the liquor store and grabbed my favorite hard apple cider, and I am so excited to get into comfy clothes, tie up my hair, and binge-watch my favorite TV show. I need to decompress. I may love my job more than anything in the world, but that’s not to say it doesn’t weigh heavily on me from time to time.
I work full-time as the only veterinarian at the animal shelter in our town of Bloomfield, Washington. Could I have my own practice? Probably. But that’s not my dream. I’m already living it, at least professionally. I’ve never understood people’s race to the top, for what? To be the best? I can respect the work ethic and hustle to meet their goals, just like Blake is doing, but it’s not for me. I just want to work hard, make a difference, and enjoy life without stress.
“Hello? Blake? You home?” I call out after walking through the front door, my voice echoing. Our house is a new build in an up-and-coming neighborhood. Neither one of us comes from loads of money, but ever since Blake got in with his current company, things changed . . .drastically. A year ago, there wasno way in hell he and I could’ve afforded this place. But now? Now, Blake seems to be rolling in the money faster than I ever could have imagined. I’m still unsure how an accountant makes as much as he does, but I have no doubt he’s incredibly good at his job.
The short entryway leads to a large open-concept living space, a top-of-the-line kitchen, and a bar tucked off to the side. The living room is decorated with a sleek black leather couch with two wingback chairs to match and a fancy coffee table with books I’ve been instructed to never open, so the spines don’t crack. It’s all very chic and fancy, like a therapist’s waiting room instead of a cozy home for two. Not a single item out of place, crumb left on the table, or memory framed on the wall. It’s hard to look around this place and not feel like a guest.
I always knew Blake had a lot of pressure coming down from his parents and that their goals for him heavily align with how hard he works, but his work takes clear precedence over anything else,myself included.
I’m hoping it’s truly just because he’s in the midst of putting in the hard work, and once we find a rhythm, it’ll get better. Until then, this is okay. It makes him happy, and I want to be supportive of that. Life isn’t always going to be perfect, especially when you’re still in the rat race.
I put the cider in the fridge to keep it cold and pull the hair clip out of my hair, my long locks falling down my back. Deciding to go find my fiancé, I walk down the hallway toward Blake’s office, his voice traveling through the closed door. I knock ever so lightly and edge it open. He greets me with a subtle nod and holds up his pointer finger, my lips turning up in a forced half-smile.
I take this time to admire the man I’ve spent the last few years with while I wait for his call to be over. He really is handsome. His perfectly gelled hair that falls right back into place after his hands roam through it, his strong jaw that is clean-shaven, and his suit that’s tailored for his body. He’s arguably an extremely handsome man, especially with his round, wide-rimmed glasses that perch on his nose while he works.
He exudes exactly what he’s portraying.
Money.
Confidence.
