My relationship with my father has improved, and I honestly believe he’s happier now that Mama is gone and Brady, he seems lighter, yet I still feel guilty, I still feel like a murderer, and I hate myself for closing down for a week when I have a child to think about, two children to think about.
Rose sits beside me, grounding me in the current moment as loud laughter and chattering from the others swirl around us from the different clubs.
They seem really lovely, but I’m just not into making new friends right about now or even small talk.
My mind just can’t seem to grasp everything.
“That was after sending naked men to our clubhouse,” Kennedy, the Devil’s Doc’s old lady, chuckles and I know I missed a whole big story about Annie.
Having a Doc here, a Doc in the Devils, and apparently a brother with a father called Doc—though I can’t remember which MC—can be very confusing. Brit mentioned it when she was trying to get me to talk an hour ago but I was only vaguely listening.
You’d think they’d come up with different names for a medical field brother, I mean, Logan is called Tank because of his size, not because of his chosen profession.
“The men’s faces were hilarious, I have to admit,” she continues to laugh, but I don’t look up, instead, I just play with my daughter's hair.
I can now understand why the brothers didn’t want me to meet these women.
They are a bad influence.
“When is daddy coming out?” Aisling asks, and I smile a little at how innocent she looks as she blinks her long eyelashes at me, eyes that thankfully didn’t get tarnished by my mother.
“Soon, I think,” I murmur as I kiss her head.
Logan mentioned church normally lasts around an hour to an hour and a half, and he’s been in there for one hour and fifteen minutes.
“And then he’s going for a ride for a few days?” she confirms, and I hum as my stomach tightens.
Apparently, the reason why the Untamed and the Devils are here is that they’re going on a four-day fun run ride to make money for the children’s hospitals around the country, which is an amazing cause, one I’m proud of Logan being a part of, I just…
I sigh. The old ladies will be riding behind their men, while their kids will stay behind with their grandparents, before the brothers meet up with the Huntsmen MC on the way. Earlier, Brit mentioned roughly a million has already been raised, which is more than they normally raise for certain other charities, but that doesn’t surprise me, not with the Rebels being the highest donors at that charity six years ago, and how dedicated they are to the unfortunate.
They’ve only progressed over the years.
I squeeze my eyes closed as a little bit of fear builds inside.
Logan is supposed to go, so he’ll be gone for four days—and I’ll be alone with my thoughts.
He’s already packed, apparently a prospect will follow in the club's truck with the luggage, and I’m struggling with the thought of him leaving.
What if he remembers everything I’ve done and sees I’m not worth the trouble?
What if he realizes the resentment will never go away?
What if he only sees me as a murderer?
I press my lips against Aisling's head again and hold her tighter to me.
What if he tries to take our daughter from me?
Well, that last one was just a stupid question.
I shake my head at my damn thoughts. This is why I’m scared of him going. He centers me, and four days without him, I won’t survive it. I just know it, just like I couldn’t look through Granny’s box full of memories of her and me without him.
He’s my missing piece, the reason I breathe, and I-I’ve hurt him, so being away from him is difficult.
“Can I go play?” Aisling asks quietly, and I look up to see all the kids running around, and I swallow hard.
She has a cast on, and the thought of her not in my sight…
