I have mixed feelings, but at least I have news for Mom. That she can quit her second job.
After long hugs and talks with Mom in her small apartment, I give her the good news.
She is weirded out to start with, but I explain it’s from a past employer and cuisine-related. It is, oddly.
That night, Mom resigns from her office job, and I finally feel like I’ve done some good.
Even if I feel sick, and my heart is in pieces, there is a small ray of light in the universe.
I cook us a special, old favorite dinner, and with a bottle of wine on her balcony, we talk.
Mom then hits me with the big question, and she asks if I’m going to stay in LA and work.
I explain I’m unsure. Simply because I am. I tell her I want to go camping for a few days to clear my head. To also think about what I’ll do next.
Mom asks if I want to borrow some money, and we laugh. I tell her I have some savings, and I’ll be fine. The extra $100,000 is not really mine, but I have a fair idea what to do with it.
After washing clothes and sleeping in my old bed, I awake fresh. I grab our old tent from under the stairs, and then I drive out of the city.
I finally reach the cute place, the one we used for family holidays. That being Mom, my brother, and me.
Under the stars, in the woods, and alone in the world, I thinkabout my kooky plan, and I wonder if I can design ultra-healthy,affordable meals.
I know there are hungry people in need, and I know I can help them.
Between feeling lost, feeling hurt, and wondering just why it went south so fast, I write. I also rest and design meals. I then go shopping for ingredients to create the most dynamic, innovative, and affordable meal units in the country.
Three days and around thirty test meals later, I stop and double-blink.
I think I’ve broken the code.
I have just sampled a crazy number of small meals and likely put on a few pounds. I have also found what is needed in around twelve healthy meals to sustain life.
I decide I’ve done enough planning, and it’s time for stage two.
That being: work out where in the country I think I can make this crazy plan work.
Between walks, wondering what I did wrong, and if I will ever feel good about a man again, I drill down on my old laptop in the tent.
I check cities, I check facilities, and I check states. Oddly, Austin, Texas, comes up, and the universe is talking. I’ve always wanted to go to Austin, and it’s supposedly the coolest town.
I drive back to LA, still messed up, but I try to keep busy to not think or feel.
It is hell, but at least I now have a plan. A plan to help others.
I figure if I stay focused on the plan and pour all my energy into the cause, it will also
distract me from my broken heart.
As I drive into LA, I decide to give up on guys. I will pour all my energy into my work, like some kind of modern nun.
No more guys, and no more sex.
There is only one problem. I still think about what he did to me and my body.
Deep down, I hate him for what he did to me. For breaking my heart. The only thing is, my body still craves his, and it wants him back.
Inside, and desperately.
