41
HARRISON
I am not eating, and I sleep very little. It’s hard to know exactly why or what is messing me up. Having to execute my brother, Tusk, to stop his pain is certainly a factor.
My work exhaustion, after a long year, must also add stress. The idea of losing Tusk and William together is also a player. But it’s also her, and I know it.
I’m unsure how much missing her is a factor, but I also feel bad about hurting her.
All I know is this: I am screwed.
As my life slows down, I slip into darkness. I also spend more and more time alone. I even avoid William for some reason. I guess I need time to myself. As I find myself around my family at the cemetery, I know it’s messed up.
I have stopped working out to stay fit, healthy, and in shape. I cannot see the point. There is no point.
I sense William watching me at times, and I know he’s just keeping an eye on me. He did the same when I fell into depression after losing my family.
Maybe this is bringing back some of trauma.
As if this is not enough, William asks to meet with me again. We do the next day, and he, too, looks burnt out and older. I know the discussion will be about him retiring, and I force myself to man up and focus.
We talk fireside, and I make him a big whisky.
He has always refused to sit and talk or drink, but for some reason, this evening he does.
As we finish the small talk that is obviously not for either of us, he says, “It’s time.”
He then explains he is having trouble completing his estate duties. That age has crept up on him, and enough is enough.
I thank my uncle-like figure, and I tell him I understand. I then explain he is expected to retire rent-free at the old caretaker’s quarters in the far corner of the property.
Where the horses spend their evenings, where the sunsets are the most spectacular, and where we, and my past family have always planned for him to.
“Thank you, Sir, that is too kind.”
“Nonsense,” I say. “That was always the plan, and please, again, Harry.”
We talk more and agree William will start to take on less but that he would advertise and interview people to help him find his replacement.
I will then likely accept whomever he advises. Then, for an estimated two months, he would train someone.
I ask him to give me a day to double-check my final thoughts and to consider what age person I prefer.
And if ex-military and from England is best, like William was in the day. My world is changing lightning fast, but I need to handle it, and I need to do it alone.
We meetthe next day as I remain deep in thought about life, about my future, and about what I am doing. I know the loss of Samantha is tearing me apart, but it’s just part of my broken spirit.
I am unsure if I want to do something different with the estate and set up, and as William and I walk, we talk. I explain I’m considering change and some life-changing ideas.
Something is not working for me, and I cannot go on like this.
William asks if he can speak freely. “Please, and of course, do,” I say, my hands behind my back.
As always, William is careful with his words.
He advises its likely wise I take my time. And that making big brash decisions after a death is likely unwise.
He has never said anything like it in his employ, and I almost stop dead in my tracks.
