‘I did what I could to not stand out. I tried to not look German. I studied the other women in the village and dressed my hair like them. I cook only British food. I stopped thinking in German and only speak English to my child. Even this baby—’ she touched her belly — ‘hears my English voice. But I cannot hide my accent and people notice it quickly. I still miss my family and no matter how I try to fit in, it does not stop the homesickness. It has been several years and even now I long to taste and smell the dishes of my youth.’
‘Does Ben know how you feel?’
‘No. And you must never tell him. I love him and now—’ she smoothed the small bump in her tummy — ‘I have my children.’
‘I’m so sorry.’
‘Don’t be. Things have improved in the last couple of years. It is a small village, where people cannot avoid one another. Ibegan to volunteer for things and, eventually, they wanted to know more about me. And when you get to know someone it is more difficult to hate them. I feel more accepted and my confidence has grown. I have made friends, and my ability to speak English, I am told, has improved. I have not spoken my native language for several years. However, I know my accent will always single me out. It will take a generation before the wounds are healed, but I believe in my heart that my children will not face the same hostility as I did... and at times, still do.’
‘It sounds as if you regret coming here.’
She shook her head vehemently. ‘No. That is wrong. If I had to do it all again to be with Ben, then I would. It was harder than I imagined. It was more painful than I expected, but I was naive, in love, and looking for financial stability. Marrying Ben was what I wanted and I don’t regret it. I just wish it had been easier in the beginning. I wish my family were with me. I wish the war never happened. But I do not wish, nor will I ever wish, I did not marry Ben. I was lucky — I married because I loved him. Those who found it the hardest did not marry for love, they married for a better life that did not really exist.’
She had been honest, revealing emotions and thoughts that up until now he doubted she had dared to share with anyone. Yet it still felt as if something was missing.
‘I asked you earlier if you were happy in England. Was that the truth?’
She stroked her hands down the front of her apron, curving around her unborn child as only a mother could. ‘I sometimes fear that Ben would be happier with an English wife. He has faced hostility too. Not as much now, but he has put up with a lot. In the early days I was moody, tearful and sullen, but I was fighting my own war that I dared not share with him. How do you share how painful it feels to be ignored at the shop counter when your own husband has had his friends die in the war? Iwant to be a wife he is proud of, Sam, not one he feels he has to warn his guests about.’
In that moment, Sam realized she had heard them at the gate. How many times had she listened with bated breath to her husband’s hushed voice giving the ultimatum to his visitor?If you can’t accept my German wife, then we should say goodbye.To feel compelled to ask such a question hinted at what he had faced without her. Hitler had left a stain on every German, no matter if they had been a Nazi supporter or not. It was a stain others saw when they looked at her and heard her accent. Would it be possible to ever wash that stain away? And Helene feared Ben would leave her because of it.
He wanted to chase her fears away, and who better to do it than a former soldier? ‘I have no doubt that Ben loves you very much. I don’t think he would be as happy as he is now if he wasn’t with you. When we met he was so proud to tell me he was married with a child and one on the way. And his warning was only his way of protecting you. There was no shame in his tone.’
A shy smile blossomed on her face, lighting up her eyes in a way he had not seen before. Doubt had a lot to answer for, he thought as they turned to the sink in unison to continue washing the dishes. It had the ability to blight any moment that should be filled with joy.
‘Will you still search for Elsa?’
In silence, Sam dried the plate in his hand.
‘Sam?’
‘Yes, I will start searching for her again. I have to find out if she is all right. I thought this need to know would fade, but with every year it has grown.’
They heard Ben returning.
‘Ben, come in here!’ called Helene. He tentatively entered the kitchen, his gaze darting from one to the other. Sam noticed Helene’s eyes shine with excitement as she announced, ‘Sam isin love with a German woman. She is called Elsa and he is going to start looking for her again!’
‘You are?’ Ben stepped forward. ‘Helene has not put you off?’
Sam smiled at Helene. ‘No, not at all.’
Ben’s shoulders lowered and he smiled back at them. ‘If you ever find her again, will you bring her home with you?’
‘She may not want to come, but I have to ask her. It will take years for Germany to recover. She deserves an easier life now.’ He smiled a little too brightly. ‘And if she says yes, I can now try to prepare her for a new life in England.’
‘And if she declines your offer?’
He looked away, unable to bear seeing Helene’s sad expression. ‘I will accept it and be glad to find her well.’
‘She won’t refuse you. You must find a home near us. We can all be friends,’ suggested Ben enthusiastically.
Helene smiled. ‘Don’t rush him, Ben. Sam might decide he doesn’t want to marry her.’
‘She may be married already,’ said Sam, solemnly.
‘And if she isn’t and comes here, I will help her to settle in Cornwall. It will be easier for her than me. Time has helped me.’
Ben laughed. ‘Now you are rushing him, Helene. He has to find her first. Besides, who in their right mind would marry him anyway?’
