‘Is it, what?’
‘Possible?’
‘I am here.’
‘I can see that.’ Her simple reply did not answer the question, probably because, he realized, he hadn’t even asked it. ‘Are you happy in England?’
She gave him a smile that did not quite reach her eyes. ‘Yes.’
‘Is it possible to live happily in England — being who you are?’ He was being clumsy with his words, but how do you point out the obvious without implying she was clothed in the stigma of guilt?
‘You mean because I am German?’
He flushed, embarrassed at his tactlessness. His discomfort did not go unnoticed.
‘I am not ashamed that I am German. If you want a future with this woman—’
‘Elsa.’
‘—Elsa, then you should never make her feel ashamed either.’
He shook his head vehemently. ‘I wouldn’t.’I did once, before I got to know her.
She did not look convinced. ‘If you do not accept it then how can you expect others to?’
He watched her carefully. ‘How do others treat you?’
‘It doesn’t matter now.’
‘It does to me. Elsa may not be alive, or if we meet again, we may find we no longer love each other — but if the love is there I would like us to be married. If it is going to be difficult to livein England then I want to warn her. And if it is too hard, then maybe it is best if I do not search for her at all.’
Helene lifted her gaze to stare out of the kitchen window. The back garden was in bloom, the grass needed cutting and a child’s football lay abandoned in the tall blades.
‘You want to know what it isreallylike?’
He nodded, unsure if he really did. If she was desperately unhappy, would that stop his need to search for Elsa?
‘You will not tell Ben how I feel?’
He nodded, reassured that Ben did not want to know.
‘Being married to an occupying soldier in Germany had certain privileges.’ She turned and leaned her back against the sink. She tilted her head at him. ‘Privileges can make every soldier look handsome.’
‘You didn’t love Ben?’
‘I didn’t say that, but there were other women who saw a better life for themselves in another country and targeted the British and American soldiers because of it. They were young men away from home and fell in love as easily as the young women who found them “handsome”.’ She looked down at her hand and gently turned the modest wedding ring on her finger. ‘When Ben proposed, I thought we would have the same privileges in England. I thought England was the land of aristocrats and lush, grassy fields, better than the rubble and chaos of Berlin.’ She shoved her hands into the pockets of her apron. ‘I don’t think any of us thought of what leaving our country really meant.’
‘Us?’
‘The other women on the ship who followed their husbands to England. I was not the only German woman on board.’ She lifted her gaze. ‘How naive we were.’
‘You came over on a ship?’
‘A ship and then a train once we had our immigration papers. When I arrived, there was a shortage of houses. Ben left the army six months after our arrival. His new job did not pay well. I had not expected England to still have food rationing. Although I was right about the fields being lush and green, England was not what I imagined. His parents offered him a home and work, so we came to Cornwall. Many of my friends found themselves in crowded cities with only a room and a kitchen. They found living in a city very lonely. Compared to them, I was lucky.’
‘Did things improve?’ He could hear the desperation in his voice. Her success would give him hope.
‘Ben’s parents were kind to me, but I had just had a baby and at times like that you need your own mother. However, Ben’s parents were, and still are, very good to me.’ She sighed. ‘But many were not. In the early days some people were horrible to my face, but many more showed it in their glances. It was very hard at first. Loneliness can kill a person.
