‘Oh, so and so. You received my letter?’ Drake nodded. ‘It was sudden. One minute he was fine, the next he was dead. I thought you would want to know.’
She was right, he did want to know that Timmins had died, but it was not the reason he had come back. He wondered if Timmins had ever told her that her son had caught them in bed together. He hoped not. She would feel humiliated and he wanted to spare her that. Even so, there was still a part of him that was still angry at his mother. He had always thought she was loyal, good and trustworthy, not someone who could betray his father and lie to her son.
‘You have done so well,’ she was saying. ‘Your father would have been so proud of you.’
‘Which one?’ retorted Drake. He saw his mother’s face fall and immediately apologised. He shouldn’t keep raking over old coals. He had told his mother of his discovery by letter shortly after he had left. He should leave it in the past, but sometimes he still found it hard to do.
‘Don’t be sorry.’ She looked at his hand in hers and smoothed the skin as if it was precious silk. ‘You have a right to be angry, but in answer to your question, they both would have been proud of you. They both were.’
He withdrew his hand from hers. This is why he had not returned sooner, he wasn’t sure if he could talk face-to-face with her about Timmins, despite having so many questions to ask. Instead he said, ‘I can send you more money. You shouldn’t haveto wait until the end of the day for the prices to drop. I’m earning good money now.’
‘You send me plenty and pay my rent. I have no complaints.’
‘But it was no more than a scrag end.’
‘Talk to me, Drake,’ interrupted his mother. ‘It is not my choice of cuts that plays on your mind. I can’t guarantee you I will have the right words to explain things, but I am willing to try and not hold back.’
His mother was right. It was the only way to move forward. ‘Why?’ asked Drake. ‘Why did you have an affair?’ His mother looked down at her clasped hands resting on the table surface. She carries her bereavement well, thought Drake, although he could still see that Timmins’ passing had left a mark on her.
‘Your father was often away preaching. Sometimes he would be away for days. I was young, lonely and fell in love. He sensed something had changed between us and one day he asked me directly. I could not lie to him. He was very upset and I realised what I had done. I wish he had been angrier, I deserved it, but he forgave me.’
‘And life carried on.’
‘Yes, of sorts.’
‘What about Timmins?’
‘I ended the affair and told him I didn’t want to see him again. He accepted it and did not try to make things difficult for me. I now know I hurt him very much too. Things changed and your father only took services within an hour’s ride so he could come home by nightfall, but by then you were on your way.’
‘Did Father know that I was not his?’
She nodded. ‘I told him that you may not be. He said he would accept what God had given us and love you as if you were his own. We never spoke of it again and he was as good as his word.’
Drake nodded. ‘He was a good man, which makes it harder for me to understand why you would betray him.’
‘Yes . . . and kind too. I did love him, but Samuel—’
‘Samuel?’ Drake sat back. Three years working together and he did not know Timmins’ first name. Learning it now suddenly brought the gardener’s youthful past to life. He seemed more human, more virile, more like himself. Drake’s throat grew dry.
‘Mr Timmins. He was so different from anyone I had ever known. When he was younger, he was so handsome.’ His mother smiled. ‘You look so much like him, Drake. I thought he would see that from the very beginning, but he didn’t. Men can be so blind sometimes.’
‘Is that why you allowed me to ask him for an apprenticeship? So he would finally learn the truth?’
‘I seem to recall the idea of asking him for an apprenticeship was yours and I had little say in the matter. You informed me that you wanted to be “taught by the best in the area and work at Carrack House”.’
‘But you could have refused. Did you hope that Timmins would realise I was his son?’
‘No. Yes.’ She shook her head. ‘I don’t know. Part of me feared the discovery; part of me yearned for it.’ She looked away again, preferring to stare out of the window and see things that Drake could not see. ‘At the time I only had my memories of the man I fell in love with, not the man he had become. I had no idea what his reaction would be to discovering he had a son, so I was torn. Samuel was so different from my husband. They were both clever and gentle,’ she mused, ‘but Samuel was tough too. He made me nervous . . . not in a bad way but in an exciting way. He made everyone else seem so bland.’ She chuckled at a memory. ‘He was so active and full of energy. Talking to him, just seeing him, made me feel . . . alive. I wasn’t lonely any more.’ She stole a glance at her son. ‘It sounds so silly now.’
‘No, it doesn’t,’ said Drake. He knew exactly what she meant and it wasn’t silly at all. It was real, every heart pounding, nerve tingling, moment of it.
‘We let our passions run away with us. It was foolish and shameful.’
‘Did you love my father?’
His mother frowned as she considered his question. ‘I loved him very much, Drake. At times it frightened me and made me want to run, at other times it made me feel as if anything was possible. Being in love is like a madness taking hold of you. It makes us do silly things.’
Drake wondered who she was talking about, his father or Timmins. He decided it was better not to know. It did not matter now. His mother was suffering enough. She had lost them both and to love someone and then never have the chance to see them again was unbearable. Drake knew the feeling from experience. He remembered the letter in his pocket.
