“You know, when I visited the ranch owned by Lia’s father, I was amazed to see a side of family life that I didn’t know existed. There were generations of people together in one place, including extended family members, and it was unlike anything I’d ever experienced.”
“I can imagine. When I was very young, before my father settled on politics for his livelihood, we had an extensive family. Both sets of grandparents were alive, as well as some of my great-grandparents. There were cousins and aunts and uncles. We all lived fairly close together outside of Topeka. Most of them were farmers. One was a dairyman—my uncle Pete.” Mother smiled. “He once taught me to milk a cow.”
“Mother! I had no idea you knew how to milk a cow.” Susanna grinned. She could see the amusement in her mother’s expression. It was so strange after her years of snobbery and closed-off emotions.
Mother nodded. “I was quite good at it.” She sampled anotherbite of the pork. “This is excellent. We often had pig roasts when I was young. Nothing smelled quite so wonderful.” She met Susanna’s gaze. “But so much changed when my father went into politics.”
“How so?”
“He wanted to appeal to the elite. He knew he needed their money because he had his eye on being president one day.”
“President?” Susanna couldn’t imagine having a grandfather who was President of the United States.
“Yes. He had it all planned out. He would start with smaller offices and eventually become governor of the state. From there, he figured the presidency would be a simple thing if he had the right financial backers. By the time things became serious and he was actually running for governor, he decided I should marry into a wealthy family who would then be obligated to help him with his dream.”
“So Father was chosen.”
“Not so much chosen as appointed. My father put out word that he was looking for a man to marry me—an arrangement that would benefit both families. He would use his power to benefit those who were a part of his family. The Ragsdales were just one of several interested parties. I was basically sold to the highest bidder.”
“Oh, Mother, that’s terrible. I never knew this. I knew it was an arranged marriage, but I thought it was also for love.”
“No, I hated having no say. I didn’t love your father. I wanted to make him pay. The early years of our marriage were sheer misery, I’m sorry to say. In fact, I’m so ashamed now to admit the woman I was then that it pains me to tell you about those years.”
“You don’t have to.” Susanna looked at her mother. “I would never demand that from you. We all make mistakes and do and say things we regret. I wouldn’t ask you to relive that for all the world.”
“But there’s something in my changed heart that requires it of me. I can’t even explain it, but I feel that I owe it to you to tell you everything. A confession of sorts, I suppose. You see, I’ve never loved you as I should have. You were my firstborn and such a sweet baby, but I could not appreciate it. I was so full of hate and bitterness. The only thing that ever made me happy were the expensive things your father would do for me or give me, and even then the pleasure was short-lived.
“Part of our agreement was that I would give him a son, and he would bathe me in jewels and give me a beautiful house in a stylish part of town. I figured on only having one child, so when you were born a girl, I was devastated. For years afterwards, I refused your father’s advances, but finally I realized I had to try to give him a son. Thankfully, Gary was born. You were nearly six. I rejoiced because I knew my duties were complete. I wanted no more of your father or, sadly, any of you. You only represented to me the arrangement my father had made.”
“Did your mother not try to intercede for you?”
“No. Not even once. She loved my father and believed that it was a wife’s role to be obedient, even when she didn’t agree with his choices. The whole family was that way. It was part of their Christian beliefs, and I suppose that is why I was never fond of God or the church. I thought it was horrible that I should be sent away to marry a man I didn’t love—one who didn’t love me. And all because of my father’s political ambitions and God’s will. ... Well, it was too much for me.”
“That is terrible. I’m so sorry.”
“I’m the one who is sorry. My anger and bitterness robbed me of having a relationship with you and Gary. I left you to the capable hands of the nanny and went about the business of showing off my new clothes and jewels, of making sure we were seen at all the right parties and political gatherings. My father died the year he ran for governor of Kansas. The doctor said he had a massive heart attack. I remember looking at theother people in the room and declaring that couldn’t possibly be the cause of death because my father had no heart.” She shook her head. “I was terrible. My mother was so broken by his passing, and I was no comfort to her. I was her only child, and all I could do was make the situation worse. I’m so ashamed.” Tears came to her eyes.
“But you were hurt by what they’d done. While it wasn’t right to hurt them in return, perhaps it does afford you a little grace for your actions—and understanding.”
“Mother died shortly after Father. We never resolved my feelings. My grandparents and great-grandparents of course were dead by then, and much of the extended family had gone their own ways. I wasn’t close to any of them at that point. I felt abandoned and betrayed by them all.” She dabbed her eyes with her napkin. “I only tell you this because my hard heart did not come about without reason. Whether you see it as a reason worthy of my actions or not, I cannot say, but I want you to know that I regret the woman I was.”
Susanna reached out and touched her mother’s arm. “I believe you. I can see that you are a changed person.”
“But we’ve lost all of those years.”
“Then we must make the best of the ones we still have,” Susanna said, smiling. “We must do whatever is necessary to know each other and love each other. I intend to marry Owen and give him as many children as God deems. I want them to have a grandmother who loves them. I want a family that rallies around one another and can be counted on in times of trouble.”
“I never offered you comfort after Mark died.” Her mother’s expression was miserable. “I don’t know how I could have been so heartless. Oh, Susanna, I am so sorry. Please forgive me. How your heart must have hurt. I know how much you loved him. I was so jealous of your relationship with him. Even of the one you shared with your in-laws. I was so self-focused and mean-spirited.”
“Mother, you were very broken. You endured much of your own grief. Being used in such a way was abominable. How unloved you must have felt, but now you know that isn’t the case. Father loves you quite dearly.”
“I know, and the truth of that only shames me all the more. He was always good to me. He knew I was unhappy and never pushed me to accept my situation.” She smiled. “Maybe he should have. I know he didn’t deserve what he got in me as a wife. All this time, while I was ill, I just kept thinking about it. What a terrible wife I’ve been. How I’ve humbled and berated him, and he’s just taken it all in stride.” She sniffed back tears. “Can God truly change me?”
“He already has, Mother. The old you would never have made such a confession. You are a new creation in Christ. Your way of looking at life and the people around you can be totally transformed. Yield it all to Him, and you’ll be surprised at what can happen.”
“I hope you’re right. I know I don’t deserve for any of you to forgive me.”
“But we do. I’m confident that Father and Gary both feel as I do.” Susanna had never known such joy. Was God truly giving her the family she longed for?
