The three dots that told her he was replying came immediately, but it took a few minutes for the text to come through.
Aside from being an imbecile, I would say that the short version is that I was afraid. Afraid of what it would do to me if you knew and didn’t care. More afraid of what it would do to me if you did care. The longer version isn’t something I’m willing to discuss via text because I’m thirty-five, not thirteen, even if I do, on occasion, behave like a teenage boy with a still-developing brain.
Tessa held her phone to her chest. If she let him in, he would want to talk. She wasn’t sure she could handle it, but she couldn’t avoid it forever either. She had a job to do, and the emotional turmoil she experienced around Zane was not helping.
Who was she kidding? She knew she couldn’t leave him sittingout in the hall all night any more than she could keep herself from forgiving him. He was too important. But this was too important to let it go.
You hurt me.
I’m sorry. I wish I could say I’ll never do it again, but I’m sure I will. I’m human, a sinner, and at times, an idiot.
She opened the door. He stood against the wall but made no move to join her until she stepped back and waved him in.
He held her gaze when he entered. She could feel his eyes on her when she locked the door.
She turned, and instead of moving farther into her apartment, he walked to her. “Let’s get this all out in the open. I’ve gone on three dates since I moved to DC. The first one, Heather, was a woman I met at church. She asked me out. I didn’t want to go, I didn’t have a good time, I didn’t touch her beyond the absolute necessities of politeness, and I declined when she asked again.”
“Za—”
“The accountant, Carla, lives in my apartment complex. I asked her about the Friday night social time. I wasn’t trying to ask her out, but she took it that way. I enjoyed talking to her, so I decided not to make an issue of it. She’s beautiful, funny, charming, and I’m sure she will make someone very happy. But that someone is not me.”
“Okay.” Tessa wasn’t quite buying it. How did one accidentally wind up on a date?
“The third, the Spanish teacher, Jamie, was a setup made by Matthews, one of the agents in the office. Again, I wasn’t looking, but she was interested and had asked Matthews about me. I wasn’tin a relationship, and I had no viable reason to say no. Jamie was hilarious. Full of energy. I laughed with her more than I had the entire time I’d been in DC.”
This was not helping. How could he possibly think she wanted to hear this?
“But while Jamie was fun to be with, when I dropped her off, my mind couldn’t stay focused on her. I don’t wonder what she’s doing during the day or if she’s sleeping well at night. I don’t think of things to share with her. I don’t miss her. I don’t wake up in the morning before my alarm goes off because I’m excited to hear her voice.”
Zane took a step closer. “It’s important that you understand this. No, I didn’t tell you about any of the dates. I felt guilty about them, and I felt like I was cheating on you when I was with them, even though as far as you were concerned, we were just friends.”
“Then why did you go out with them?” She had to know.
“Because I have no desire to date.”
“That doesn’t make sense. If you don’t want to date, why date?” Tessa braced for what was about to come.
“It’s nice to have a beautiful woman want to spend time with you, laugh at your jokes, admire your profession, and make it clear that she’s attracted to you.”
Tessa fought the urge to hunt down Heather, Carla, and the effervescent Jamie and make it clear that if they wanted to admire Zane Thacker, they could do so from afar.
Zane reached toward her and twisted a lock of hair around his fingers. “I thought maybe God was trying to give me some of the happiness I’ve seen Luke and Gil find, but I was being too stubborn to accept it because I was carrying a torch for you. I’ve prayed for the strength to be your friend, to never ask you for more than you’re willing or able to give, and to be content with whatever I could have of you in my life.”
Zane reached for her hand and laced his fingers through hers. “I knew that someday you’d find someone, and when you did, I’d lose you. Because I knew I could never just be friends with you. Not really. But I also knew I’d never let you go until I had no other choice.”
He tugged on her hand, and she stepped toward him. Only a few inches separated them now. He took their entwined hands and twisted them up to press a kiss to her fingers. “I’ve known all week that the time had come. I can’t lie to you. Not about how I feel or what I want. There will be no more dates for me, Tessa. Not unless they’re with you.”
Tessa believed him. She was still jealous beyond belief about the time he’d spent with those women, but she was no longer angry. At least not very angry. But the whole “no more dates” thing? She wasn’t sure she believed that.
“You told me once you couldn’t be with a woman who drank.”
His brow furrowed. “I don’t remember that. But it’s a moot point. You don’t drink.”
“I’m an alcoholic, Zane. I always will be.”
He traced the line of her chin. “And I’m the son of an alcoholic. I always will be. Do you know how messed up I am? Really? My mother taught me that women can’t be trusted. That I’m the only one I can rely on. That I’m not important enough to sacrifice for. I know none of those things are true, but they’re imbedded deep within me. They’re not ever going to go away. And statistically speaking, it means I’m more likely to become an alcoholic. And studies indicate that some of the trauma from being raised in an alcoholic home doesn’t fully come to light until you’re in your forties. Which means there’s no telling who I’ll be in five to ten years.”
Tessa had no idea what to say.
