Teagan takes Phoebe’s two hands in hers. ‘Mammy is going away for a little while to think about where I’m going to live.’
Phoebe sobs harder and Teagan wipes her tears.
‘I’m going to buy my own place. I’m not sure where yet, but I’m going to make sure you have your own room there and you can come and stay whenever you want, as much as you want. I just need a bit of time, okay?’
When I reach out for Phoebe a second time, she drops her mother’s hands and lunges for me. Tears streak her tiny cheeks and my insides twist in agony for her. Smoothing her hair behind her ear I ‘shhh’ her, rocking her gently back and forth in my arms. ‘It’s okay, princess. It’s okay.’
‘It’s not okay,’ she cries, thumping my chest. ‘She always does this. She always leaves.’
‘I’ll call.’ Teagan promises.
‘You’d better this time.’ I warn her with a growl.
Teagan makes her way towards the doorway, glancing back over her shoulder at a shell-shocked looking Ava. ‘Take care of them’, she says, sashaying down the hallway without looking back.
The front door slams shut, and I return to my seat at the table, positioning Phoebe on my lap. She curls into my chest, her tears soaking my shirt. I wrap my arm around her, and pick up my fork, motioning for Ava to eat. There’s no point in ruining a perfectly good meal. It’s not the first time Teagan’s done this and, sadly, it won’t be the last.
‘I’m sorry,’ I say both to Phoebe and Ava, but for very different reasons.
‘Should I go?’ Uncertainty flickers in Ava’s huge hazel eyes.
‘No!’ Phoebe protests. ‘Please don’t leave as well.’
Ava reaches across the table, caressing Phoebe’s white-blonde hair. ‘Okay, pumpkin. I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.’
Ava resumes her place at the table. The previously carefree atmosphere has been replaced with a dark subdued one, and I can’t shake the feeling that I’m responsible.
Is it my fault? Did Teagan go because of my relationship with Ava?
And if she did, wasn't that the whole point?
But what’s the alternative? Let Teagan back into our lives and wait for her to do this a month or two down the line anyway?
Guilt eats at me as I shove my fork around my plate. Eventually, I abandon it in favour of the wine. It was a no-win situation. But at least I didn't give Phoebe or Teagan hope it would ever be any different.
‘She always leaves.’ Phoebe says repeatedly. ‘Did I do something wrong?’
‘It’s not you, honey.’ Ava leans across the table and strokes Phoebe’s hair from her face. ‘I promise, it’s not you. Sometimes people have to do things in their lives before they can truly settle. It’s like they haven’t found what they’re looking for, or something. But shall I tell you a secret, Phoebe, darling?’
Phoebe nods, her watery eyes peeping up from my saturated shirt to meet Ava’s.
‘Usually, what people are looking for is actually inside of them the whole time. They just need to work it out for themselves. So, whatever happens, you mustn’t think it’s you. It’s your mam. And when she finds that thing that she’s missing inside of herself, then she’ll be able to be there for you. But until then, you’ve got daddy. And you’ve got me, sweetheart, okay.’
‘You won’t leave us?’ Hope lifts Phoebe’s tone and she wipes her tears with the back of her hand.
Tumultuous emotion swirls in my stomach as my gaze meets Ava’s, her gold-flecked eyes brimming with concern.
‘I’m not going anywhere.’ Ava offers Phoebe her baby finger. ‘Pinky promise.’
I’m utterly torn, terrified of the size and meaning of the promise Ava just made my daughter, and unreservedly impressed that she did.
I rock Phoebe on my lap while Ava clears the dishes away like she’s done it a million times before, while making small talk with my daughter in a bid to distract her from Teagan abandoning her once again.
‘Did you hear that Santa’s going to be at Hollybrooke Hall on Saturday night?’ Hollybrooke Hall is a stunning mansion on the outskirts of the city. Every year they put on a fabulous Santa experience for both kids and adults alike.
‘It’s probably not the real Santa.’ I doubt anything in the world would lift Phoebe’s spirits tonight, but I appreciate Ava’s effort all the same.
‘What do you mean, not the real Santa?’ Ava puts her hand over her mouth to mask her surprise.
