‘Why blame anyone?’ I don’t get it. His cruelty was unnecessary. We’d all lost enough without losing each other in the process.
‘It was me who pushed so hard for a second baby.’ Glassy eyes stare out of the open sash window, gazing over the driveway, seeing something that’s no longer there. ‘Andie was a surprise. Your mother was only nineteen. We tried so hard for a second child, but we weren’t blessed with another.’
It’s the most he’s ever said to me that didn’t involve telling me I was a worthless little shit.
‘Your mother knew how much I wanted another child. A boy to work the farm with me. To carry my name. So she went to some fancy doctor in London and got some sort of treatment. I don’t know what.’ His hand swats away something imaginary in front of him. ‘But it worked. Within three months, she was pregnant again, aged thirty-nine.’
I swallow hard, every picture of my mother I’ve ever seen racing to the forefront of my mind. Her long blonde hair. Big blue eyes. Andie always says I’m the image of her.
No wonder he found it hard to look at me.
‘Then that night, everything changed. I got what I always wanted, but it cost me more than I was prepared to pay. Each time I looked at you, all I could see was what I lost.’
My eyes seek out his sombre ones. Something like understanding passes between us.
I can’t forgive him, but I do sort of understand.
If anything happened to Victoria, I don’t think I could live with myself. Especially if I had some sort of role in it. Which I’m always going to have, given it’s my job to watch over her.
‘It was me I blamed, really. Not you. You just bore the brunt of it. For that, I’m sorry.’ His voice cracks with emotion.
His head falls to his hands.
Shoulders shake in a silent sob.
To see a hard man like my father cry is akin to witnessing the ocean dry up. It’s unfathomable.
The bed dips under my weight as my backside perches tentatively on the edge of the mattress. A cautious hand extends to grab mine. It’s almost lost in my huge palm.
‘She’d be so goddamn proud of you, son.’
The words I’ve waited to hear for my entire life.
Every mistake I’ve ever made flashes through my mind. The landmine. Almost throttling Harrison. Abusing Ryan’s trust.
As if he can read my mind, he says, ‘We’re only human.’
‘Isn’t that the truth?’ I agree.
His head flops back on to the pillow. Tired eyes flutter closed. ‘Will you visit me tomorrow or do I have to choke on another piece of chicken to get your backside up those stairs?’
‘I’ll be up in the morning. I’m sure the real doctor would like to check on you, too.’ I pat his hand before standing.
‘She’s a beauty. Take care of her.’
Tiptoeing out of the room, I leave the door half-open in case there’s any more drama tonight.
The swirling bladesof a helicopter overhead rouse me from a deep slumber. The back of Victoria’s naked body moulds perfectly against the front of mine. It takes a second to work out where we are. Mad dreams have plagued my subconscious for the past few nights. Dreams where we decide to stay here and build a house overlooking the lake.
In my dreams I’m working the farm again, raising a family here. Teaching my children to swim in the lake. Giving them the childhood I almost had, with a mother and father who adore them and the space to run free. Catching up on lost time with my sister and Roger. Spending whatever time my father has left on this earth with him. Being here to greet my nephew when he returns from his first tour.
But dreams are all they’ll ever be.
Some tiny part of me deep down always knew I’d have to come home at some point and confront my demons. The ones that didn’t originate in the Middle East. But I didn’t expect to feel such a sense of relief, acceptance and contentment.
The weight on my shoulders has miraculously lightened after last night.
This morning, it’s a pleasure to wake up in my childhood home. To have breakfast with my woman and my family without tiptoeing around, avoiding one room in particular.
