Stooping to the ground, I scoop the phone into my right hand. The screen survived the fall, but my heart might not. Because it’s not Amy ringing me. It’s Anita. Again. It rings continuously until the voicemail kicks in, then within three seconds it rings again.
Nearing my apartment block I pass Candy. The guys with the leather jackets are there again. The same faces I’d queue jumped all those months ago wait in line to get in. Recognition gleams in their eyes and three of them congregate, pulling a fourth guy into their conversation from behind them. They needn’t worry about me skipping the line tonight. No matter how bad I feel about Amy, I won’t be joining them.
The phone rings again and reluctantly I answer Anita’s call. ‘What is it Anita?’ My tone is clipped, I don’t even bother trying to mask my irritation. Not just with her, but with my entire situation.
‘Are you ok, Ollie?’ Her voice resounds across the miles.
‘Why are you ringing me again?’ Crossing the busy road, I make my way towards my apartment block.
‘It’s Luke. He’s on the missing list again. I wondered if you’d heard from him?’
‘Of course I haven’t heard from him! You know better than anyone we don’t exactly get on. And you haven’t helped that situation either, by the way.’ I don’t know why I’m even telling her this now because none of it matters. She doesn’t matter to me. Not the way Amy does. And Luke doesn’t matter to me the way Eddie does. The whole situation is a fucking mess.
‘I didn’t plan it, Ollie. Any of it.’ Her voice is heavy with regret.
‘You offered me an ultimatum and you followed through on it. That seems pretty planned to me.’
Outside my apartment block I continue to pace the street knowing the second I get into the lift I’ll lose my phone coverage. I should just hang up. But I need her to know I’m not her crutch. She can’t ring me whenever she needs a bit of reassurance. Not anymore. These calls have to stop.
‘I slept with him when I was drunk one night. I got pregnant. That’s the only reason we got engaged. With his position on the town council, he said we had no other choice than to do the right thing.’
‘There’s always a choice.’ A sigh seeps through my teeth and I stroll towards the narrower lanes linking off the main street where hopefully I can hear better away from the main road.
‘Not this time. My parents would never forgive me if I had this baby out of wedlock. You know what the west of Ireland is like.’
‘So move east.’ The solution’s simple. Yet she didn’t want to do it the entire time we were seeing each other, so I doubt she’d consider it now.
‘Is that an invitation?’ Hope sparks in her tone.
‘No.’ She can’t be serious. But either way, she needs to hear my news. ‘I met someone.’ I clear my throat noisily to give her a few seconds to digest this new information.
‘You met someone,’ she repeats the words slowly, the full weight of them accentuated in every syllable.
‘I love her. I might have fucked it up. Actually, I have fucked it up,’ I admit, running a hand across my scalp.
‘What have you done? Don’t tell me she gave you an ultimatum too?’ Both curiosity and a hint of sorrow taint her tone. I’m not sure if she’s sorry for me or herself.
‘No. She’d never do that.’ It wasn’t meant as a dig but Anita’s winded gasp reveals that’s how she took it. ‘I proposed to her willingly. She’s the one for me, Anita. Sorry if it’s hard hearing that but it’s the truth. I knew it from the very first night I met her.’
After a brief hesitation, Anita’s curiosity gets the better of her. ‘So what happened?’
‘I didn’t tell her the full truth about you and Luke. About this weird situation we’re all in. She saw your name pop up on my phone a few times. When she asked, I told her you were in the past. I didn’t tell her I’m going to be your brother-in-law, the uncle to your baby.’
‘Why not?’ Her voice is so low it’s almost a whisper, barely audible over the noises of the city.
‘Because it’s a fact I’ve been running from myself. Since we were kids, you weremyperson. And even though we weren’t together, we often ended up that way. Even when we were apart I knew I could ring you with anything, anytime. Then all of a sudden you became Luke’s person. The man who tormented me for years. The only biological brother I have, yet the brother who would do the least for me.’
I flinch thinking about Eddie and my other surrogate brothers on the team. ‘It wasn’t so much the loss of our friendship. It was the final nail in the coffin for Luke and me. I had hoped with age and maturity we’d forge some kind of bond. When he got with you, knowing you were special to me, he used that to stick the knife in. It was the end of it for me. He hurt me more than you ever could have. You were always my friend whether we were together or not. But he was supposed to be my brother. Do you know the crazy thing? It’s taken me literally until now to work out the real root of why it bothered me so much. And I didn’t want to discuss it with Amy until I got it straight in my head first. Because from the outside it looks like jealousy, but it was never that. It was the fact that he deliberately wanted to hurt me.’
‘I’m sorry.’ Anita’s voice cracks with sorrow.
‘Don’t be. This conversation just gave me the clarity I need. You have to stop ringing me though, Anita. I’m not your person anymore. And you aren’t mine.’
‘I actually rang you looking for advice, but can I give you a bit instead?’ she says.
‘Go on.’ I hesitate outside the doorway wondering what wise words she feels compelled to dish out.
‘When I gave you that ultimatum, it was for your sake, not mine. We’re too different, Ollie. We aren’t kids running the fields anymore. But we grew into adults who tried to hang onto those kids. I wanted you to pick rugby. To make a life for yourself in Dublin. Because we were travelling on completely different paths and I needed to make a life for myself here. A life which didn’t involve my first love turning up every second or third weekend, breezing in and out again, undoing all hope of me moving on. I wanted to meet someone else. To settle down and live a quiet life. I’d never have had a quiet life with you. You know my anxiety wouldn’t have permitted me to live in your world.’
