I see where we made dinner together, where she teased me for making “adult-version” mac and cheese. Where we showered, where we hung out, where we made love. My sheets and pillow still carry traces of Sierra’s scent. My car carries her presence. Even my workplace feels tainted. The cave where we spent the night together—it’s difficult to make it through the tours.
I thought I had gotten her back, but I was wrong. And now I’m paying the ultimate price, reliving the same pain from when she left the first time. Except now my life is not mine anymore, not without her imprinted on everything.
It was all a mistake—every bit of it.
“Everything reminds me of her,” I find myself admitting. My voice cracks on the last word, and I want to disappear.
My siblings exchange worried glances.
“I agree with Ethan,” Seth says finally. “Some time off would be great. We can close the business for a while and go somewhere. It can be just the two of us—the LaSalle twinshit Vegas!”
“I can see it now,” Cole says. “Like a bad twin-themed sequel toHoney, I Blew Up the Baby.”
“Oh, man,” Seth laughs. “You wish they’d bring that franchise back. Rick Moranis was the shit.”
“But…won’t that hurt business?” I protest.
“Closing the business would be better than torpedoing it with bad reviews,” Emily mutters.
“It would be good for you to get out of Sagebrush,” Ethan says firmly.
“How will leaving help?” I ask. “Staying here was the only thing that helped last time.”
Last time Sierra disappeared, my mom insisted I finish my last high school semester, even though there were only a few months left before graduation. Staying and focusing on that while searching for Sierra, keeping busy and pushing to the end, it was like a light turned on.
The forward momentum, the comfort in knowing my place in the world, those things saved me.
After graduating, I found solace in searching the mountain for her, then the cave mapping, then the business expansion—staying and pushing forward has become everything to me.
Until now. For the first time in my life, I’m tired of pushing. I’m exhausted. It’s not like before.
“I can’t leave,” I say, but my heart isn’t in it.
“Do you think part of the reason you want to stay so much is becausesheleft?” Seth asks gently.
“That doesn’t even make sense.”
“I think it does,” Seth says. “I think you just don’t want it to.”
I can’t bear to think about that.
“Do you want to talk to Mom?” Ethan barely gets out before I’m shaking my head vehemently. “She’s good. Even if she is the only certified therapist in Sagebrush. Honestly, you should’ve started talking to someone years ago.”
“Why do you all have to kick a man when he’s down?” I mutter. “I don’t need therapy.”
“It’s not a big deal. EvenI’vetalked to Mom.” His lips quirk with amused irritation when I meet his gaze with clear refusal. “Stubborn pain in the ass,” he says affectionately.
“So Las Vegas?” Seth says hopefully. “I’ve been wanting to go.”
“Maybe.” The thought of doing anything fun without Sierra makes me sick. “I just need time. I’ll bounce back and be as driven as before. Probably even more. Coming back stronger is my superpower.”
“That’s not how I’d describe your manic self-flagellation, but sure. Superpower,” Emily says dryly.
“All right, all right, leave him alone,” Ethan says. “Unless you want to give him a turn listing allyourweaknesses, Emily?”
“That actually sounds like a good time,” I say. “But we’ll have to order food in—this might take a while.”
“Ha ha,” Emily says. “Very funny.”
