Coen rolls his eyes and ignores everything Dominic just said, focusing on me. "She went on a double date with June and Simon the other day."
My hand does that thing where it balls into a fist without me meaning for it to happen. I do my best not to let on how intensely bothered that immediately made me. How dare some stranger get to spend time with her in an intimate setting, especially with two people she cares deeply for. June and Simon are like her brother and sister.
"With Alec," Coen adds.
A weird sense of relief washes over me. Do I want Alec to be taking my girl on dates? No, absolutely not. But if she has to be spending her time with anyone, at least I know she's safe with him, cared for with him, and treated with kindness and respect.
I'd be an idiot if I didn't recognize Alec was madly in love with Cora, too. I see it plain as day because it's like I'm looking in the same love-struck mirror. I don't want her to love him back, but I wouldn't blame her, Alec is a great guy. He couldn't give her everything I could, but in his own way, maybe he could give her more, or things I couldn't.
Alec could give her anormallife. One free of crime and illicit activities that would only put her further in danger. Alec is in our world now but he's doing his best to get an education and a career that doesn't involve being a criminal. With him, Cora could go on and fulfill her dreams and not have to worry about looking over her shoulder every time she steps outside. She could love and trust and build a family with him, safe and out of harm’s way.
I can never give her that.
And even though the thought of her choosing someone else breaks my heart, I have to be okay with the fact that maybe I'm not what's best for Cora.
18
CORA
Ilie in bed with my hair wet and my blanket tucked tightly to my chest. I don't want to be here. Not in this room, this house, or this city. A strong part of me wishes I wasn't here at all. Anywhere. I don't wish to die, I just don't want to be alive, either. What a fucking contradiction.
And with those thoughts, guilt creeps its way like a shadow in a dark alley into my soul.
My life isn't terrible. Others have it worse. I shouldn't complain.
I slide my hand down to where my phone sits under the covers and pull it out to swipe open the screen. My eyes skim the texts from Miller and settle on the last exchange from Alec.
It was a long one, detailing how much fun he had at the game and how he can't wait to see me again. Plus, a little section about how when I rode his face it was the best experience of his life.
Alec is perfect. He's in touch with his emotions, he's able to communicate them clearly, and even though it took him what felt like forever to finally confess how he felt about me, he's been nothing but sweet and kind the entire time. Even when we were justfriends, he never made me feel like I wasn't important or special.
And damn is he hot.
Fuck, when he took his shirt off and carried me to the shower, I thought I had died and gone to heaven. His muscles were apparent under his shirt, but the second it was off, each hard line was exposed and I couldn't help but drool a little bit. Especially when he picked me up with ease, pressing my naked body to his. I ran my fingers over his chiseled chest and circled the small dagger tattooed near his heart. I wanted to ask him what it meant, but my words were failing me at seeing him so...exposed.
He had just fucked me senseless and turned me into complete blubber.
Alec even spent his time with me in the shower, helping me wash my body and kissing me every chance he got. I felt cherished, adored, loved.
But as much as I've been waiting my entire life for someone like him to come along, I'm not stupid enough to think it will last. Not because of anything he'd do, but because of me.
If it isn't mysituationthat will ruin things, it will be the darkness I keep tucked away.
I cling to this idea that I want to be in a relationship and experience all the good and bad that comes with it, but deep down, it scares the ever-loving shit out of me. People change their minds. People put on an act. People lie and cheat and leave. And if I showed Alec the real me, the one I keep buried under the bright smiles and bubbly exterior, he would be no different than anyone else in my life.
Maybe that's why I sabotage every good thing that comes my way, because I don't think I'm worthy of it? But are the things ever really good or just some figment of my imagination that temporarily soothes the dull ache in my chest?
Maybe the people in my life never hurt me after all, and I'm the reason things go south.
MaybeI'mthe red flag.
I thumb my screen and pull up the text thread with Silver.
The last thing he said to me was that he was hoping I was okay. I hadn't responded to his last three texts and as much as I wanted to, I couldn't bring myself to follow through. Silver is great, too, in his own way. He's a brute, and definitely the oldest man I've ever been with, but with that comes this sort of elegant, sophisticated nature I've never known before. He's dominant and commanding and somehow gentle and passionate. Not to mention hot as fuck.
Silver, in appearance, iscompletelydifferent than Alec. Both are pretty tall, that's for sure, but Silver is broad and muscular in a way that isn't built from going to the gym like Alec. Silver's hair is a beautiful shade of salt and pepper, and his beard is the perfect length. It doesn’t come off like he’s trying too hard, but it’s maintained enough to recognize he puts in effort to his appearance. His hands are strong and powerful and if I were anyone other than me, I'd probably be afraid of him strictly based on his looks.
When he stepped into the apartment I had just murdered a man in, I didn't know what to think. How could such a gorgeous man be capable of cleaning up dead bodies for a living? I knew that Miller wouldn't send someone that would hurt me or put me in more danger, but Silver wasn't what I expected. He was intimidating, hell, he still is, yet there's this subtle softness to him that peeks through that darkness every so often.
