My anxiety has been at an all-time high, even before this shit happened, and I can't seem to go twenty-four hours without having an existential crisis.
And, of course, we can throw in my latest, very persistent insecurities that I'm unworthy of love and that I'll be forced to live a life of solitude with nothing but thirteen cats. Not that any of it matters anymore, since I have to quite literally have a baby for a completelydisgustinghuman being that has little to no decency at all.
But I don't say those things. No.
"I think my period is coming," I tell her. "And I think there's a full moon this weekend…and an eclipse." I drink some of the bourbon and allow it to warm my insides and numb the chaos in my head. "You know how it is."
June narrows her gaze. "You can tell me things, you know?"
"Like you tell me?" I tilt my head at her. "Don't think I'm not aware of all the secrets you keep." I wave my arm around the room of this luxury mansion she shares with her four boyfriends. One of the many properties they have, in one of many states. I even overhead Dominic talking about property he owns in Spain and Portugal, leading me to assume that isn't the only place he owns homes.
"That's different," she says.
"Yeah, yeah, need to know basis..."
A while back she confessed that there were things shecouldn'ttell me. Not because she didn't want to, but because she actually couldn't. They weren’t her secrets to share. By sharing, she'd be putting me and others in danger. I was forced to believe her—what other choice did I have?
But still, that doesn’t make it any easier to stomach that June’s keeping things from me...her supposed best friend.
Although, how can I be mad at her when I'm quite literally doing the same exact thing right now?
So for the most part, I keep my mouth shut about their incredibly suspicious lifestyle and go along with the vagueness she does offer me. Maybe one day we'll be past all the walls and shit that are between us, but I'm not confident we'll ever get there...our friendship apparently has limits and bounds.
"Are you excited?" I ask her in an attempt to change the subject. I plaster on my happiest attitude and do what I can to shift the direction of the conversation from anything involving me.
"I am." June glances in the mirror and tucks her dark hair behind her ears. "Is it weird that I'm nervous, too?"
I stand beside her, placing my hand on her back gently. "Not at all. But, he's going to love it."
A light knock patters against June's bedroom door, and when I turn, my heart does a little flip at seeing Alec standing there.
A small, okay maybe large, part of me wants to rush over and throw my arms around his neck and hug him, melt into his body and breathe in hisoh-so-Alecsmell. But I don't. I just smile and walk over to him casually.
"You girls ready to get going?" He keeps his eyes on me as I approach. "You look incredible."
"Thanks," I say, the smile on my face genuine this time. "So do you."
June waltzes over and shakes her head, walking between us. "Why don't you two fuck and get it over with already?"
My eyes widen and my gaze follows her out. "Um, excuse me, missy?"
June stops in the hallway and turns back toward me and Alec. "You guys clearly have chemistry, you get along well, and you're both hot and single, so just fuck and get it over with."
"I thought..." I find myself blanking at what to say.
She's always implied that nothing could ever happen between me and Alec because of him being her driver and all. This entire time I never pushed the possibility into place because I thought she wouldn't allow it. I've been going on shitty dates with loser men when this whole time I could have pursued the genuine connection I've had with Alec since the first time we spoke.
And now, the future we could have had is lost due to my deal with Ricardo.
Part of me wishes she would have kept her mouth shut, and I could have stayed ignorant to the lost potential of what could have been me and Alec.
"Don't let Simon find out though..." June shoots finger guns at us before spinning on her heel and continuing down the hallway.
"Don't let Simon find out about what?" Magnus chimes in from the entry of his own bedroom. He snatches June as she walks by and spins her into his arms, planting a kiss on her forehead and hugging her tightly. "I love secrets."
She softens into him, and I hate the jealousy in me that arises.
I'm happy for her, I really am, but when is it my turn to have a little love in my life? Love that will last. Love that won't be snuffed out by an ignorant agreement.
