Sean knuckled one eye as he stared down at his tablet and the blank document he’d had open for the past few hours. His unwritten after-action report wasn’t close to being started, and while Sean knew the director and everyone else needed to know what had happened, he couldn’t bring himself to write italldown.
He couldn’tthinkabout it, if he were honest. Not yet. The trauma was still too fresh, too raw in his mind…which was probably the reason the mental block against speaking stillexisted.
Sean made a face and shifted on his borrowed bed. The suite was small, with a joined bathroom, but it still had enough room for more than twopeople.
“Did you want me to get you some lunch before I leave?” Naomiasked.
Sean looked over at where his mother sat on the nearby chair, her own tablet in hand. The small suitcase she’d packed back in New Seattle the night Delta Team had extracted his parents from their home for security purposes sat close by. Of his family, only his mother remainedinD.C.
When Sean had woken up to his parents, brothers, and Annabelle of all people on Friday morning, he was glad to see his family was safe. The uncomfortableness of his family seeing him in such a wounded state had made their presence awkward after the first twenty-four hours. With the immediate threat to their safety eliminated, his brothers and father had returned to their respective homes onSaturday.
Considering his mother had been the one to operate on him against all ethical rules, Sean wasn’t surprised she’d waited this long to leave his side. As much as Sean wanted his mother’s support, he’d been living this life so long without it, that he didn’t know how to ask for help from her or the rest of his family. Maybe the shrink the director had ordered him to see would be of more help in that area. Sean didn’t know. He just wanted to notthink.
Realizing that it had been almost a minute without any form of response, Sean shook his head and swiped his fingers over his tablet. A small, holographic display opened in the air above it, and he ignored the clamoring uncertainty in his mind for the easy answer, the words showing up brightly intheair.
Not hungry,hismessagesaid.
Naomi frowned at him. “You need to eatsomething.”
Sean shrugged. At the moment, he could take or leave food even though he knew his body needed it to heal. His appetite hadn’t quite returned, and he was okay with that even if his doctorsweren’t.
“Will you at least think about joining us for Thanksgiving?” Naomiasked.
The thought of going home for a big family holiday, coddled by his parents and tiptoed around by his brothers, was the last thing Sean wanted to deal with. Holidays hadn’t been an easy time over the past however many years after his brothers hit it big with Atomic Grace and Sean distanced himself from everyone. His family hadn’t known what he was for the longest time—CIA officer, then MDF agent—and the lies had strained every interaction he’d hadwiththem.
Since June, things had gotten better, even if everyone was still grappling with the truth. Sean had been looking forward to experiencing a holiday with his family where he wouldn’t have to lie and try to keep the peace by leaving early. He knew himself well enough to know he wasn’t in any condition to be around them right now. Sean couldn’t bear the thought of spending Thanksgiving with his family and the stifling concern they would be sure to layonhim.
If he couldn’t talk about any of this right now, Sean knew he would be incapable of talking about it later with them. He didn’t want to ruin the holidays with his insecurities andissues.
So he typed out another response.MaybeChristmas.
It was the most he could offer right now, because Sean honestly didn’t know how long it would be until he was mentally okay again. Nazari had been by yesterday to inform Sean that he was off active duty until the people in Psych cleared him. He’d never been a fan of therapists, even though no active agent could escape those mental healthsessions.
“Hopefully Christmas. If not Christmas, then maybe your birthday,” Naomi said as she got to her feet. “My escort should be here in a couple of minutes. I’m going to meet them in the lounge downthehall.”
She approached the bed and Sean tried to not flinch at her close proximity. Naomi paused, and Sean knew the anger in her eyes wasn’t directed at him, but at the people who had harmed her son. She carefully reached out her hand, keeping it in sight, and gave him a little pat. Sean exhaled shakily when shepulledback.
He wanted to hug his mom goodbye, but he knew he wouldn’t like feeling as if he were trapped. It had happened once before already, and he hadn’t meant to lash out at Caleb, but at least his brother had forgiven him. Touch right now was a slow process. Sean had never wanted to worry his parents or family when it came to his job, which was part of the reason he’d never told them when he joined the CIA, and later, the MDF. It was far too late now to shove that truth back intothebox.
“Get some rest. Call me when you’re able to, allright?”
Naomi smiled worriedly down at him, but didn’t press the issue. Sean nodded slowly and watched her gather her things and head for the door. She waved at him on herwayout.
“I mean it, Sean.Callme.”
He gave her a thumbs-up, then the door slid shut behind her. Sean stared up at the ceiling, trying not to feel guilty about being relieved his mother was on herwayhome.
Someone knocked hard on the door a minute or two later, startling him enough he nearly dropped his tablet on the ground. Fumbling for it, Sean set it aside and went to manually open the door since he couldn’t tell Ceres to open it. He stabbed a finger at the control panel and then froze when he saw who was in thehallway.
“Can I come in?” Kyleasked.
He was in casual clothes instead of a uniform, no weapons at hand. But just the sight of him made Sean wanttohide.
He knew the Pavluhkin mission had come to an end; he’d read the official memo on that yesterday morning. It meant Sean was no longer seconded to Alpha Team, though that hadn’t stopped most of the team from taking turns sitting at his bedside in Medical along with his family. Kyle had never been there, most likely glued to Alexei’s side, though Sean hadn’t been brave enough to question hisabsence.
Seeing Kyle here made it impossible for Sean to not think about Alexei. The team had kept him updated on Alexei’s progress, but Sean had never reached out himself. He couldn’t. After everything he’d done—assisting Cillian, however distantly, in Alexei’s torture—Sean didn’t know if he could ever look Alexei in the eye again. He didn’t know if Alexei even wanted to see him, and he’d been too afraid to find out, because the thought of losing Alexei forever wasn’t something Sean waspreparedfor.
Which was why having Kyle here almost pushed him into a panicattack.
