Loneliness was eating at me too. This was my future. Every other week, the children would be here with me. And then I’d spend the next week alone in a house that’d lost its heart.
Needing something to do, I got off the couch and started carrying bowls and plates back to the kitchen.
I could already picture myself polishing off that chocolate assortment tomorrow as I threw myself a pity party for one.
Ash returned while I was stowing everything away in containers.
“Do you want to bring any leftovers with you?” I asked. “There’s plenty to go around.”
“Yeah, I wouldn’t mind some of the cheese.” He stopped at the candy bowl and dug around, but he didn’t find anything he liked. No Jolly Ranchers, in short. “Maybe some chips too.”
“I’ll pack the chocolate as well. Otherwise, I’m eating it all tomorrow.” I grabbed another container.
We were ordering our traditional New Year’s Day pizza, of course. We had extra cheesecake left over too. I could stuff my face and watch a sad movie.
“Are you okay?”
I side-eyed him. “Ask me anything but that tonight.”
He didn’t say anything else, but he was waiting me out. And I was too weak to keep my mouth shut.
“New Year’s is supposed to be about just us, our family, and once the kids are passed out, you and I sit down and discuss next year’s vacations and activities.”
There. I’d admitted it. Or part of what was weighing on me.
“Yeah…those were the days.”
Ask him, jackass. You’ll regret it if you chicken out.
If he said no, I’d respect that. He’d probably say no. I was his least favorite person nowadays.
Possibly because I’d freaked out like a lunatic about his new house.
“Would it be so bad if we did something together next summer?” I asked hesitantly. “It doesn’t have to be for two weeks or even one—just…maybe a long weekend?”
His forehead creased with confusion. “Wouldn’t that upset the kids or give them false hope? We’ll be in the middle of the divorce by then.”
Please don’t remind me.
“You’re probably right.” I wasn’t gonna push it, despite that I believed it might do the kids good to see us united even after the divorce. Whatever. He didn’t want to. I couldn’t blame him. “Never mind.” I handed him the container with snacks. “I guess I’ll just wish you a happy new year now.” I swallowed past the emotions threatening to resurface. “May it be a lot better than this one.”
He chewed on the corner of his mouth and observed me, which was never a good thing. He could read me too well.
“It can’t possibly get any worse,” he murmured.
I wasn’t so sure.
Once the divorce was officially happening, I’d have no choice but to take off my ring.
“Happy new year, Nate.” He leaned in to torture me; he kissed my cheek briefly before pulling away. “I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”
I nodded once and dropped my gaze to the floor.
He needed to leave before I broke down.
I go back thirty seconds on the video again, then hit play. You didn’t look nervous. I was a wreck because I suddenly had everything to lose. But you, Ash…you were calm. Certain, as you told me afterward. You were certain.
I don’t know if the guests in the back heard your vows; for a loud, rambunctious man, you never shout when your heart is speaking. That’s when you unleash the low murmur that can shake me up to this day.
