Hallie was the opposite. Every allowance, she set aside half of it. She’d even asked if she could get a part-time job when she turned fourteen this spring. She was meticulous about wish lists to her grandparents, preferring to ask for makeup and gift cards for accessories for her birthday and Christmas, rather than buy them herself when she went to the mall with friends. She didn’t spend any of her money on takeout or sodas; she walked around with a water bottle plastered with stickers.
If Ash and I gave her twenty dollars for dinner with her girlfriends, she’d order something that gave her a few bucks extra for her savings.
At least we had Micah and Lily. They weren’t in a rush to grow up. Micah turned nine soon, but he carried himself significantly younger.
Ash soon came down the stairs again, and my chest felt tight at the sight of him. He looked so damn good in that black shirt. He seemed happier today too, and it made me miss him even more. He’d always been my bright spot, the one who’d pulled me out of every funk, and the one who’d stopped me from overthinking things.
“What is this I see? Are you fallin’ asleep, Mikey?”
“Not yet,” the boy giggled. “I’m gonna make it!”
Till midnight? Not a chance.
“I guess we’ll find out.” Ash snatched up a piece of chocolate before he sat down on the other side of Micah, who was quick to spread his legs out across Ash’s lap. “Should we have a rule that says Hallie and Dylan are obligated to spend time with us on New Year’s? And all holidays, for that matter. It feels like they escape earlier for every year that goes by.”
Because that was literally what was happening. Dylan had filled a bowl with chips and then retreated to his room right after dinner. Hallie had followed an hour later.
“We’re boring grown-ups now,” I sighed. “We’re no fun to be around.”
Micah was officially sprawled out across both of us, and he peered up at me with his nose scrunched. “You talked about cars and pads for dinner. That wasn’t fun.”
I winced and glanced at Ash.
He squinted at nothing and scratched his scruffy jaw. “Okay, maybe discussing a coupon for the pads Hallie uses wasn’t my brightest idea.”
I hadn’t reacted until Hallie had complained. “A good sale is a good sale.” I poked Micah’s tummy, making him squirm. “Maybe we should useyourallowance to get Dylan a car.”
He gasped and tugged down his pajama shirt. “No! That money is mine, Daddy!”
I laughed softly. “Okay, fine. We’ll come up with another idea.”
Micah’s nineteen dollars and fifty cents could rest easy.
Ash and I had some time to think of a solution. We had to find a good balance between cheap as hell and safe. We didn’t want to get stuck with a leasing situation yet. Not before Dylan could contribute. At the same time, we obviously wanted him to focus on school.
“And…lights out,” Ash murmured.
I dropped my gaze to Micah. Dammit. He was asleep. At ten PM. And now…Ash had no reason to stay.
“It’s been five minutes,” I muttered. “Can you suck it up a little while longer? I know you wanna be anywhere but here.”
“Was that what I said?”
No, but I knew him.
I stayed still as he carefully lifted Micah’s legs and then stood up.
“Let’s get you to bed.” He picked up Micah as if he weighed nothing.
Our boy stirred and came to, blinking sleepily. “Is it a new year now, Daddy?”
“You bet, champ. You made it. Now we can all go to bed.”
I swallowed hard and watched them disappear up the stairs, and for some goddamn reason, my emotions decided to rear their ugly head. My eyes smarted, and I felt like months’ worth of keeping my shit together somewhat was all for nothing. I’d tried to move on. I’d begun a relationship and ended it within two months, and every time I’d met up with Eli, I’d felt like I was cheating on Ash. Even though Eli and I hadn’t done much. But nothing worked. I wasn’t strong enough to get over Ash. I never would be. I was as in love with him now as the day we’d gotten married.
Lying awake at night, I sometimes felt my skin crawl with how badly I needed him next to me.
I couldn’t fucking do it.
