“I have one question for you,” he said. “I want you to swear on our marriage and tell me the truth.”
I swallowed again, and the knot of unease doubled in size in my stomach. “Shoot.”
He stared at me. “We go through life and change our views, opinions, hobbies—and kinks. So if you tell me now that you no longer identify as a Daddy Dom, I’ll let it go and never bring it up again. We’ll find our way back to each other.” He cleared his throat as I felt dread creeping up my spine. “But if it’s still your core kink—and you’re sacrificing it for the sake of our marriage, because you’rescared… Then I don’t know what to do.”
I’d never wanted to lie so badly in my life, but he’d see right through me. He always had.
The emptiness had returned to his eyes. “I think I have my answer.”
Shit, shit, shit.
When he started turning around again, I almost panicked.
“Have you thought about leaving me?” I blurted out. And with that question, I was exposed. That motherfucker held my heart in his hands, and he could choose to squeeze the life force out of me.
He knitted his brows together. “Not in those terms, but I can’t solve this on my own.”
“You’re the only one who sees a problem,” I replied. “It’s a sacrifice I’ll happily make for the rest of my life.”
He shook his head grimly. “Then you’re right. It is my problem. Because I can’t let you do that. And if the tables were turned, I know you wouldn’t either.”
I clenched my jaw, and it felt like my heart fucking cracked right then and there.
Maybe I’d been in denial, but shit couldn’t be clearer to me now. We actually risked falling apart. We had watched friendsgo through divorces and breakups over the years, thinking that would never be us.
Devastation built up pressure within me, and it unleashed a pinch of the anger I tried to hold back.
“So, that’s it,” I bit out. “You don’t think we’ll make it as a couple unless I go out and fuck Littles left and right.”
Come on. Be angry with me. Yell at me.
Except, he didn’t. He let out an inaudible chuckle through his nose. “Yeah. That’s what I’m asking you to do. Sure sounds like me. Great job, Ash.” He turned a little and nodded toward the field. “I’m gonna go watch our daughter’s game. Are you coming or not?”
I averted my gaze and blinked back emotions.
Are you coming or not?
It felt like I was going.
I didn’t reply, but I followed him toward the bleachers.
Time to be a cheerful dad…
I spent the following month in a dark fog, and it was hard enough to resurface by the end of the day to be a good parent. By bedtime, I was more than happy to forget about reality and sink into dreams and, hell, even nightmares.
When had we started sleeping with our backs to each other?
If Nathan felt stuck, how the fuck did he think I felt?
I didn’t know what to do. I’d tried so fucking hard to unclench and just fucking approach a willing sub already—and I couldn’t. I just couldn’t. I was a goddamn coward.
This mess killed me even more because he was right. I wanted to explore that side of me, the one that’d been locked up for as long as I’d known it was there. I felt a constant pull to seewhere that road might take me, but fear of the unknown froze me in place.
Sharing my life with Nathan and our children was my dream. I needed that to be enough.
What if I went too far with someone? What if care and attachment morphed into something much bigger? I didn’t know what I was capable of. I’d just always had this feeling that being a Daddy Dom, forme, was heavy and meaningful and…it required a deep connection.
What if I fell in love? Could I love two men at once? What if Nate fell for him too? Could I live with that? How would our family change? We didn’t want to include a third. I’d spoken to both Colt and Lucas, who were hoping to include a third in their relationship, and we weren’t the same. It went against everything in my heart to even consider letting an outsider join our family as an equal partner. And unlike Colt and Lucas, we had children.
