“I snuck in and watched the end of your demo,” I said. “You clearly had good chemistry. You were having fun. You were aDaddy.”
“He’s too young. Kid’s not even thirty.”
I furrowed my brow. That was the most ridiculous argument. “We’ve played with subs who are younger than that.” Thirty? Come on. If he’d said twenty, I would’ve been more understanding.
He shook his head, visibly irritated and tired. “Do we have to do this tonight? I’m so fucking sick of you pushing that whole playtime dynamic idea down my throat. If I’m not interested, I’m not fuckin’ interested.”
I clenched my jaw and looked out my window instead.
You know what? I was tired too. Fuck it. It wasn’t worth arguing over anymore.
If I close my eyes and think hard, I can get lost in old echoes of your warm laughter. I can see your infectious grins so vividly that my eyes burn with unshed tears, because I miss us so fucking much, Ash. I don’t know what to do without you. If our children is my fuel, you’re the engine. And the fucking GPS, because now I just feel lost.
It’s supposed to be you and me, honey.
CHAPTER 9
Sixteen months ago
Arlington
Ash Riley
As soon as I pulled into the parking lot, I turned to Nate, because this had to fucking stop.
“Can we make up before the game starts?” I asked. “Fighting about errands and dinner is so goddamn stupid. What’re we even doing?”
Furthermore, when had this started?
Actually, I knew very well. Something had changed last year, around the same time we’d had another fight about kink dynamics. Although…it hadn’t been a fight, had it? It was more like he had given up. And ever since, we’d begun bickering over little shit that made no sense. Nathan had become more…annoyed and standoffish, and I fucking hated it. Because it drew out my anger and all my chest-tightening fears. I became defensive. I picked fights. I knew that. And I couldn’t fucking help it.
Nate sighed and put on a beanie. “You’re right. It’s stupid. We’re fine.” He leaned over and kissed my cheek, then jumped out of the truck and zipped up his parka.
I swallowed.
We weren’t fine.
Grabbing my ball cap from the dash, I put it on and climbed out too. At least we didn’t have to pretend a whole lot. Dylan was at a friend’s house, and Mikey and Lily were spending the day with Nate’s folks.
After Hallie’s game, we were supposed to head over to Target and pick up enough Halloween candy to feed a village. Or a random neighborhood in Arlington, Virginia. But my desire to think about all the holidays coming up was officially at zero for the first time in my life.
Nate started walking toward the soccer field, but I couldn’t yet.
“Nathan, hold up,” I said.
He looked over his shoulder as I stuck my hands down the pockets of my jeans.
“Please don’t say we’re fine when we’re not.”
He barely showed a reaction, though he did walk over to me.
That blank expression could fuck off. It didn’t belong on his face.
“It’s been a shitty week,” I said.
It’d been a shittyyear…and a half…but it was once again my fault that things had escalated. Last weekend, when I’d canceled an event at Mclean, Nathan hadn’t said a word. He’d just left the room, and I hadn’t had the balls to pick a fight about it once we weren’t surrounded by our kids.
A flicker of something familiar flashed by in Nate’s eyes, and he took another step toward me. That flicker was better than the emptiness. The flicker of taking the bait, the flicker of deciding to speak his mind.
