Maybe she thought it was because of what Ryak had done.
But it was strange. Ithadhappened. I’d almostdied. At night, I still had nightmares of that forest, the mud, the rain. And yet life was pressing me forward, as it always did. I didn’t wantRyak, of all people in this world, to make me feel afraid for any longer than he already had.Thatwas my choice. My power over him.
He was dead. And I was still here.
Truthfully, my appetite had been diminished because my heart was still a little broken. Alaryk was offering me the pieces, but…it was my choice to puzzle them back together.
“I’m fine,” I said to Alaryk. And I meant it.
I miss you,I thought next.
And maybe he felt the strength of the sentiment of that feeling because his expression flickered, a warmth rising in his eyes.
I perched my chin on the stone wall, as close as I could get to him, and he stooped down so he was doing the same, our eyes level. His hand reached out to trace my unmarred cheek, as if he still needed to make sure I was whole, flesh unbroken.
“I wish that I could go back to that night,” he told me quietly, gently. “I think about it all the time.”
The night he’d broken his promise to me.
“I’ve never regretted anything I’ve done when it comes to protecting my own,” he said. “People think that I had doubts when I used Kamora to kill the Hartan king. I didn’t. I never did, not once. And I don’t have remorse that I did it either. If people knew that, they’d think I was heartless. How could I do that to someone I’d once cared for? How could I be that callous, that ruthless? Sometimes I think Myzalla even questions that. I occasionally see it in her eyes when she speaks to me.”
My lips parted. So…maybe he’d really felt alone.
He took in a deep breath, which lifted his shoulders, his hand leaving my face. I reached over and took it in my own this time, not letting him escape.
“But that night,” he murmured, closing his eyes briefly. “I can see the moment so clearly. The moment when you realized what I’d done. The sharp hurt. The fractured betrayal. It hit me like I’d run into a mountain wall, and I remember thinking…What have I done?”
“Alaryk,” I whispered, my chest squeezing.
“I broke something in you that night,” he told me, his voice firm, his eyes finding mine again. “And for that, I’m sorry,mariss. I am deeply sorry. I can’t ever make it whole again. I will see that expression on your face forever imprinted in my mind. I will feel the shock and disbelief and hurt when I betrayed your trust, as if it were my own. And I never even explained why I did it.”
“I know why,” I said, squeezing his hand. “I understand. You didn’thaveto explain.”
“But I want to. I was angry that night. Iknowyou’re not anything like her,” he said softly.Kamora. “But that night, I remembered the way Iusedto feel with her. Uncertain, diminished, desperate, angry, where all I wanted to do was lash out. So I did. I wanted to hurt you. I’m not proud of that. I knew exactly how to do it…but it doesn’t make what I said true. Iknowyou’re notanythinglike her, Amaia. And every day, I will regret those words because I know I can’t ever take them back.”
I took in a deep breath, feeling a hard knot release inside me.
“I realized, in that meeting with Sarkin and Vaedrin, that you were lying to me. You’re not good at it,mariss. And I started to wonder what you were lying to me about. And the thought ofyounot being someone I could trust, when I feel the way I do about you,” he said, his lips in a bitter twist, “it hurt more than I thought it would.”
I swallowed hard, needing to own my part in this. “I made you promise not to get inside my head because I knew you would figure me out in mere moments,” I confessed. “You know that already.”
“I heard it from Brune, but I’d like to hear it from you too. Not in thought and feeling, like what you revealed to me in Ny’am. But in words. Your own words.”
I blew out a breath.
Where to even begin?
“Try,” Alaryk murmured quietly.
“It was mostly true what I told you the night of the Elthikaattack. I took Kiron’s place here because we feared that he wouldn’t survive rider training. But the circumstances of him needing to be here at all, I hadn’t told you. TheDothikkarwas assembling a close circle of spies to send over to Karak during the exchange periods. But too many guardsmen might’ve been seen as suspicious, so they opted for family members in different fields, with different specialties, but still family with close ties to the throne.”
“Go on,” he urged, his eyes pinned on me.
“I…I would’ve done anything for Kiron. Even after everything I told you about…he’s still my brother,” I said. “So, given the choice…I would’ve still chosen to protect him. I knew that we were meant to come here and gather information that would be relayed back to theDothikkarand his advisors.” I took in a deep breath. “But believe me, I hadno ideathat this was what they wanted to begin with. To steal the eggs, to kill, to hurt anyone who stood in their way?Never.Please tell me you believe that at the very least.”
I didn’t know why it was so important, but I knew I’d cut into Alaryk’s trust deeply, gouging it with my perceived loyalty to my homeland. But it had never been about theDothikkar. It had only ever been about my family’s safety.
“I do believe that, Amaia,” he told me. “I promise you I do.”
