He’d clearly lost her trust. She could barely look at him, so he guessed whatever Tavar had told her had cut her deeply.
She inhaled a long breath and then asked, “Am I your fated mate?”
“Tev. Of course,” he hissed out—the thought that she doubted that was physically painful. To think that he’d lied about something like that told him how little she thought of him now. What had happened at theMeviraxbase?
She nodded, bringing him some semblance of relief. “And even though I was your mate, you were still thinking of handing me over to theMevirax? Knowing what Tavar’s plan was? Knowing that in giving me to them, the Jetutians would come for me?”
A sharp inhale filled his lungs. His voice came out ragged when he replied, “At first,tev.” A sound escaped her and he raked a hand through his hair, needing her to understand everything that went through his mind. “But I would have never allowed you to leave with the Jetutians. That was never part of the plan.”
“So, what was I then?” she asked, her eyes shining with angry tears when she turned her face to regard him. “Bait? Bait, so that you could finally get your revenge after all these years?”
“It was more than revenge,luxiva.”
“Don’t,” she hissed, “call me that.”
Jaxor ran a shaking hand down his face.
“You were always going to give me to them, weren’t you?” she whispered.
“Nix,” he said.
“Then when did that change?” she cried.
“The night I met with them near the base,” he said. She remembered that night, when he’d come back with the mark ofOxandrion his flesh. “Maybe even before.”
“Why then?”
“I wasalwaysconflicted about it, Erin,” he burst out, standing from the chair as his voice rose. “From themomentI saw you in the Golden City, I wasneverthe same. I need you to understand that!”
Erin’s lips parted. For the first time, he saw doubt in her features where there’d only been hurt and anger before. She was eyeing him as he paced the room, but there wasn’t enough room to take more than a few strides, just like in his own quarters in the command center. His cell.
“I told you I left theMeviraxto live on my own when I realized that Tavar intended to supply the Jetutians with Luxirian crystals,” he started, trying to calm the thundering in his chest. “But Tavar sought me out when he learned that Vaxa’an had taken a human female as his queen and that there were rumors of other human females living in the Golden City. He told me that Po’grak wanted them back, so much so that the Jetutians would heal a select number of theMeviraxfemales in exchange. They’d had the means to cure our females all along.
“Tavar knew I was familiar with the Golden City,” Jaxor continued, “because I grew up here. He tasked me with finding and taking the human females that remained. And then we came up with a plan. To renege on the agreement with Po’grak and to secure the vaccine for ourselves. Tavar planned to use it to secure what he’d always wanted: the position of Prime Leader, to return theMeviraxto their rightful home, the Golden City. But I planned something different. I knew Tavar was dangerous, that he could never be the Prime Leader that Luxiria needs—the leader that Luxiria alreadyhas. Tavar would never get close to the Golden City with the vaccine because I planned to give it to Vaxa’an myself.”
Erin watched him, staying silent as these things poured from him. He wondered how much of this she already knew, what Tavar had told her.
“And then,” he continued, swallowing hard, “I saw you. My Instinct awakened and I was suddenly faced with the possibility that in continuing with my plans, your safety could not be guaranteed because sometimes even the best laid plans do not unfold as expected.
“So,tev, when I first brought you to my base, in those first few spans, I was struggling with the decision. I tried to keep you at a distance, thinking that it would make my decision easier.”
“Because it wasn’t just me,” Erin said finally, softly. “It was the vaccine too.”
“Tev. The vaccine,” he said, his voice twisting the word bitterly. “I thought I was being selfish, turning my back on my people, if I chose you. But how could I give you up, knowing whatmighthappen? The very thought of handing you over to the Jetutians filled with me with such disgust and rage, yet I thought of my own people too. That this was our only chance to help our females. And thenyou…how could I tradeyourfreedom for that? Whatrightdid I have to make that choice for you, when you’d already had so many choices ripped away from you?”
Erin looked down into her lap and he hoped that she was beginning to understand why he’d done what he’d done.
“So,tev, I lied to you when you asked of theMevirax, but when I told you those things, I had already decided to keep you safe from them,” he said softly. The torment of feeling intense relief and shame from that decision still burned in his chest. Erin met his eyes, something like surprise in her expression. “I thought that you did not need to know about the previous plan because it was never going to happen.”
Jaxor couldn’t have won either way. The moment he’d chosen his female, he’d turned his back on his people. But now, his female didn’t trust him because he’d lied about it. He’d lied about so much.
“When you ask me if I ever cared for you,” he said, his voice so ragged that he heard the pain in it, “maybe now you will understand.”
“Because you chose me over the vaccine,” she whispered, stunned, her eyes shining and wet.
“I am not a good male,” he said softly. “I have lied. I have betrayed those that were once close to me. I turned my back on my brother when he needed me most. I have grown angry and callous with time and there is no possible way that I willeverbe the male that deserves a female like you, but I hope that you never need to question what I feel for you again. No matter what happens.”
Erin stared at him for a long time, processing his words. He could see how they exhausted her, how they took a toll on her.
