When I reached the seamstresses’ home, I heard Nelle’s muffled laugh within and it made my entire body feel heavy, weighed down. I hadn’t heard her laugh in over a month, or seen her smile. The past week of being back in the horde had been a series of quiet, stilted conversations with her. She insisted on staying in her ownvoliki. She’d resumed her daily schedule, spending the mornings with themitriand her afternoons and early evenings with Avuli, Arlah, and sometimes Odrii.
I looked for her always and on the rare occasion she was alone, walking through the camp, we spoke. But her guard was up, her expression closed. The conversations had mostly consisted of me asking if she was eating, how her sickness was in the mornings, whether she’d slept well the night before.
There was a barrier between us, one I’d laid the foundation for and that she’d constructed, and I didn’t know how to break through it.
Time, I thought. It would take time.
I ducked my head into the seamstresses’volikiand saw Nelle watching Avuli chase Arlah around the domed tent. Avuli pulled up short when she saw me and inclined her head, startled.
“Vorakkar,” she murmured in greeting.
“I do not mean to interrupt,” I told her, my eyes going to Nelle, “but thekerisaawaits us.”
Nelle nodded, the small smile on her face fading slightly at my sudden appearance. She pushed up to a stand and grabbed her pelt from where it lay by the fire basin, fastening it over her shoulders.
“Srikkisan?” Arlah asked Nelle in Dakkari.
It meanttomorrowin the universal tongue.
“Lysi,” Nelle said softly, pressing her hand to his cheek. “Lo terri tei srikkisan.”
I will see you tomorrow, she said, her Dakkari slightly accented but clear. Her knowledge of our language grew with every passing day, it seemed.
Arlah nodded and Nelle said goodbye to Avuli, squeezing the seamstresses’ hand as she passed. I held the entrance of thevolikiopen for her as she stepped out.
Nelle met my eyes briefly before she looked straight ahead. I hadn’t seen her since that morning. And maybe it was hearing her laugh, maybe it was knowing that she opened herself to others, maybe it was missing her so damned much, but at that moment, I couldn’t stomach the distance that only seemed to grow between us. I feared that if I let it grow too much, it would be impossible to close.
“I miss you,rei thissie,” I rasped, pressing my forehead to hers. I heard her breath hitch, felt her body still under my touch. But I met her eyes, so close that all I saw was their dark, rich color. “If I knew how to make this right between us, I would.”
She held my gaze. For a moment, I saw her empathy, saw it gleam in her eyes, saw her want that as much as I did.
“Seerin,” she whispered, shaking her head.
“I know.” My shoulders sagged and I blew out a breath, releasing her. “Come,thissie. The healer is waiting.”
She hesitated for a brief moment but then followed me as I led her up the short incline to myvoliki. Thekerisawas waiting at the entrance and she nodded at the both of us before following us inside.
The healer’s visit was short and something that would happen every week until Nelle delivered the child. Thekerisainspected the growth of her belly first. Even since last week, I saw that the baby had grown and I watched from a short distance away, my chest filling with pride and relief. Since Nelle was avekkiri, it made the timing of her delivery unpredictable, which was why the healer wanted to monitor her every week.
After the healer was done with her inspection, she rose to make Nelle her tonic and said, “It seems you are almost halfway through the gestation already. Dakkari females carry for five months, and if the conception happened a little over two months ago, as you believe,” Nelle’s cheeks pinkened slightly, “then it is likely you will also carry for that long.”
Nelle had told the healer last week, when we’d arrived back in the horde, that she believed the conception happened the night I’d returned fromDothik. A night I remembered well and was very likely when we conceived the child, considering how insatiable we’dbothbeen.
Longing went through me. It was just one more thing I missed with mykalles, our matings.
The healer gave Nelle her tonic to drink. Judging by the pungent smell and the look on Nelle’s face, it wasn’t pleasant, but she drank it down without a single complaint as the healer packed up her herbs and supplies.
“I will return next week,” thekerisainformed Nelle before inclining her head at me. “Vorakkar.”
Then she took her leave, slipping out the entrance of thevoliki, leaving us alone. Nelle adjusted her tunic so that it covered her growing stomach once more and I watched her from my place against my cabinet, where I stood with my arms crossed.
She looked at me out of the corner of her eye, sitting on the edge of the bed where we had spent a great deal of time together during the height of the cold season.
“We should talk about how we are going to do this,” she said softly. “Don’t you think?”
“Do what?” I asked.
She clasped her hands in her lap and said, “Care for the child. I do not know what to expect. Avuli told me Dakkari fathers are very involved with the rearing, but since we are not…”
