I didn’t want to relive that freezing fear, though I would remember it always. It would forever mark me, like the scars on my back.
Even then, that fear had onlybegunto thaw now that she was within my line of sight.
“It was a mistake, Nelle,” I murmured, reaching out to cup her face. Her skin felt cold for the brief moment I touched her, before she stepped away. “It was a mistake choosing the horde over you.”
Her expression didn’t change. “No, you knew what you were doing. I think you always knew.”
My fists clenched and I barely suppressed a wince before I pleaded, “Come back with me. We will work on this,thissie. I promise.”
“I left for a reason, Seerin,” she said. “Knowing what I know now, going back with you will not change anything.”
“And what is it that you know?” I rasped.
There was a crack in her expression. Just a small one, but it showed me the pain I’d caused her, the pain I wished I could take from her a thousand times over. I would rather go through theDothikkar’s Trials again, if only to take a sliver of it away.
“That iswasjust a fantasy,” she whispered. I flinched when my words were flung back into my face. “A dream. It wasn’t real.”
“Nelle,” I said, my brows furrowing. “It was real. Itis. I need you to believe that.”
How could she when I’d given her no reason to?
Determination coursed through me. I needed to give her a reason. I needed to give her thousands of reasons.
“I love you,” I rasped, threading my hands in her hair, forcing her to meet my eyes so she would see the truth in them. “Lo kassiri tei. I love you,rei thissie. You know this, Nelle.”
She’d asked me that morning if I’d ever loved her. And it gutted me to know that I hadn’t said a single word in reply. I let her believe I didn’t. I thought it would be kinder if she hated me. It would make it easier…
Vok.
“I don’t,” she whispered, looking deep into my eyes, though she still kept herself locked away. “I don’t believe you, Seerin. Not anymore.”
Stunned, I released her. Had I damaged us beyond saving?
“Please, just go,” she said, wrapping her arms around her waist, turning slightly away from me.
Nik, I thought.
I swallowed, though determination coursed through me. She might hate me for it later, but I knew that I would not allow her to stay there.
“I am not returning without you, Nelle,” I said. Her eyes flickered to me, a slight frown on her lips. “If I have to drag you back, I will.”
Disbelief shone in her eyes, but at least it was better than indifference, thanemptiness.
“Why are you doing this?” she asked, her brow furrowing. “You ended this, remember?Youdid. And I don’t have the mental energy or the will to be your plaything anymore, Seerin. I don’t trust your words and I certainly don’t trust why you’re here.”
Her words gutted me even as I growled, “Then at the very least, believe that I do not want youhere. In this place. There are those in the horde that care for you deeply. You think they want you to suffer? To be hungry, cold, unprotected?Nik.”
“This wasmydecision to make, not yours, not anyone’s,” she replied. “Being in the horde with you…”
“Neffar?” I asked when she trailed off.
“It would destroy me,” she whispered after a lengthy pause. “This is the only way, Seerin.”
My chest ached—my whole body ached at her words.
And it will destroy me if you are not there,rei thissie,I thought to myself.
“I want you as myMorakkari, Nelle,” I told her softly. “You were always meant to be myMorakkari.”
