“You do not know the way,” he growled.
“I know,” I said. “But I will still leave.”
He cursed under his breath, looking to his sister, who’d still said nothing.
“You just need rest, Nelle,” he argued. “Your perspective will change in the morning.”
“And if it doesn’t,” I started, “will you be my guide back?”
“She will not change her mind, Odrii,” Avuli finally called out softly. “You will take her back, brother, if she does not wish to stay. You would rather her leave by herself?Nik. It is safer this way.”
Odrii cursed again, looking away from us both.
Silence permeated thevoliki. I’d never questioned whether this was the right decision because in my eyes, it was theonlydecision. I simply could not stay.
“I’m sorry to ask this of you,” I whispered, looking at all of them. It was then that grief slithered its way up my chest, tightening my throat. “You know how much I care for you. All of you. And it breaks me even more that I have to leave you. But if I stay…I’m worried that—that it will take everything that’s left of me, everything that he hasn’t taken already. I would be a shell. Nothing more.”
I’d begun to envision my life in the horde with Seerin. I’d thought we had a future together because how could we not?
Had he known all along that this would be the outcome? Every single night, as I lay in his arms, had he known that he would have to break me apart like this?
I thought he’d loved me. But now, I could see that I was a fool for believing that in the first place.
Hewascruel, if he’d known all along.
“Please,” I whispered, looking at Odrii. “I-I need your help. Ihaveto leave.”
I would never see Seerin again. I would never touch him, or see his smile, or taste his lips, or look deep into those consuming eyes again. I craved him as much as I hated him. My heart wanted two very different things at once, so it was easier to not feel anything at all.
Once, I’d been afraid of this happening. When I’d been back at my village, I’d feared becoming so emotionally distant from everything around me that I would simply float away. I thought that I would simply cease to exist if that happened.
But right then, it felt like a blessing.
Odrii finally nodded, but he looked at me as if I were hurting him. “We will leave in the morning. At dawn.”
Relief pierced that numbness with startling sharpness. Relief and grief.
“Thank you,” I whispered, tears finally falling again.
* * *
Odrii metme at the entrance to the encampment a little before dawn. Avuli was with him, but Arlah wasn’t.
I’d taken only what I needed for the journey home, which consisted of my warmest clothes. After some internal debate, I’d decided to keep Blue’s pendant, but had taken off the blue jewel necklace Seerin had gifted me a couple mornings before and left it on my bed. The only thing I regretted not being able to bring with me was the rock that Arlah had given me, which sat in Seerin’svoliki. And I wouldn’t dare go there now to retrieve it.
Everything else I didn’t need. I’d survived for years on much, much less.
I didn’t feel the chill as I approached Odrii on hispyroki. Avuli embraced me when I reached her and I squeezed my eyes shut as I wrapped my arms around her, letting her warmth seep into me one last time.
“Please tell your father ‘thank you,’” I told her softly. She pulled back and looked at me. “I regret that I didn’t say goodbye.”
She nodded.
“Arlah?” I asked hesitantly.
She shook her head and I felt a prick of sadness and guilt. When I’d left theirvolikithe night before, Arlah had finally understood that I was leaving permanently and he’d barely looked at me, turning his face into his mother’s dress when I’d tried to embrace him.
“I am sorry,” she whispered. “He did not want to come.”
