“We cannot continuethis,” he said.
He said ‘this’ as though it was a simple thing. But ‘this’ wasus. It was anything but simple.
“What are you talking about, Seerin?” I said, shaking my head,laughing, not wanting to believe it, even though my heart beat wildly in my chest, though nausea had begun to churn in my belly, acid rising in my throat. “You can’t mean that.”
“I told you even before I left forDothikthat I could not make you any promises, Nelle,” he said, looking at me steadily, his jaw set. “For this reason alone, that was why I did not want to make you a promise that I could not keep.”
Looking away, I saw nothing. Not the wall of thevoliki, not the cabinet, nor the bathing tub or the bed, where we’d spent our long nights together. My mind simply couldn’t comprehend anything beyond his words.
He wasserious.
He was serious.
“Last night, it became apparent to me that any future for us would be an impossibility,” he added quietly. “It was a fantasy, Nelle, and nothing more.”
“Why just last night?” I asked, though my voice sounded far away. “Just yesterday morning, you were talking of theHitrimountains and giving me another gift. Was that…was that because you already knew? You were trying to make yourself feel better?”
I saw his fists squeeze, though the rest of his body was completely still. “The council confronted me about taking aMorakkariand it became obvious to me that…it cannot be you.”
It was then that hurt—hurt so painful and acute that my knees shook and my throat stung—penetrated my shock. Tears pricked my eyes as I stood there, staring at him because I couldn’t look away, no matter how much I wanted to. No matter how much Ineededto.
It felt like he was ripping me in half.Howcould words hurt thismuch? How was it even possible?
“I see,” I whispered. Though I didn’t. I didn’t ‘see’ at all.
“Nelle,” he said softly, his eyes flickering. For a moment, I thought he felt the same amount of pain he was inflicting on me. Then he clenched his jaw, the look gone, and continued, “We cannot allow this to go on any longer. It is better this way, to end it now, before…”
Before what?
Before it was too late?
“I love you,” I whispered, tears spilling down my cheeks. “I love you,Seerin. It’s already too late. Please don’t do this.Please.”
That crack in his expression appeared again. He alreadyknewI loved him—how could he not?
“Stop,” he growled. “Do not make this harder than it already is,kalles.”
“Is it?” I cried. “Is this hard for you, Seerin? Because it doesn’t seem that way. How can you be so cold about this? What are you even saying right now?”
His jaw clenched and those familiar grey eyes didn’t seem like Seerin’s at all. They seemed more like the horde king I’d first seen in my village, hardened and detached from everything around him.
“You will always have a place here, Nelle,” he told me, ignoring my questions. “You may remain in the horde for the rest of your life if you wish.”
Air was pulled from my lungs, whooshing out of me in a gasp of disbelief.
“You will never have to worry about a home, about food, about your safety again,” he continued, as if that softened the blow he was delivering. “You will be protected here.”
He blurred in front of me as tears filled my vision and poured down my cheeks.
“And when you inevitably take aMorakkari?” I whispered, unfathomable hurt spearing into my chest over and over again…until I couldn’t breathe. “You think I can just stand by and watch? You think I will be able to stomach you taking her to your bed? You think I will be able to withstand seeing you with her every single day for the rest of my life?”
“You must,” he growled. “It is mydutyto take aMorakkari,thissie. For the sake of my horde, I will have to, andyouwill have to accept that.”
Disbelief made me stumble back, away from him. He’d said it so easily, so coldly that I wondered if I truly knew him at all.
“You’re cruel, Seerin. I never realized how much,” I said softly, glaring at him across the spacious distance between us. His expression contorted, ever so slightly. “You’re cruel if you ask that of me.”
He looked away, down to the rugs on the floor, where he’d made love to me numerous times over the last month. It hurt to think that another female would soon think of thisvolikias hers, that another female would soon think ofSeerinas hers. Would they share meals and baths together? Would he call herrei thissietoo? Would he tease her and laugh with her and kiss her until the world spun?
