It was possibly also why he didn’t want to accept her help. Because it meant they would be connected to one another through credits. Perhaps he didn’t want that.
She only allowed herself a couple minutes before she leaned over the sink and splashed her face with water. When her eyes were still watery and red, she stepped into the shower tube and quickly washed, rinsing away their night, giving herself more time to calm down.
When she emerged from the washroom not ten minutes later, wearing her robe, Khiva was standing at the window, looking out to the street below. He was dressed.
He turned to her when she entered and he studied her for a moment before saying quietly, “I should leave. It’s still early, so I doubt I will be seen.”
Though her treacherous heart didn’t want him to go, despite knowing now that she’d read too much into their relationship, or whatever it was, Eve nodded and knew it was for the best.
“I’ll order a car for you,” she said, numb, going to the tablet imbedded in her bedroom wall. After she did, she led him downstairs to the foyer and got his overcoat. Her chest felt heavy as she handed it to him, as she watched him put it on, concealing his skin, his body, his quiet strength.
It felt weird, like a different reality, to be so close to him and not touch him. To not smile at him or kiss him goodbye.
No, everything was all wrong. His words didn’t make sense. It was like he was deliberately trying to hurt her, to push her away.
“I know I have no right to ask,” he said softly, as they stood there in the foyer, “but will I see you on Thursday evening?”
Her booking. It felt like a slap in the face that he would remind her of it.
“You might be chained to a bed by then,” she couldn’t help but say, to buy time, remembering what he’d said about his Rut. God, had that conversation happened less than a half hour ago? It seemed like a lifetime ago.
“Perhaps,” he said carefully. “But if I am not, will you come?”
“I…” she trailed off, not even sure how to respond. She rubbed her forehead, feeling a headache start to bloom. “I have a lot to think about, Khiva.”
His shoulders seemed to stiffen at her words, though he nodded.
And because she felt like she should be honest with him, because this might be the last time she saw him, though everything in her rebelled at that thought, she decided to be brave for once and confessed, “My feelings for you run deeply, Khiva. And until this morning, I thought that yours did too.”
She felt a little hope, wanting him to respond, wanting him to tell her that yes, he felt it too. What had he called it? Thenuvur’u drava? The linking. That was what he’d told her he felt with her.
So where did it go wrong?
Khiva remained silent, however, deflating her just a bit more, cementing some of the doubt that had begun to spread through her.
“I’m wondering what I should do,” she admitted. “Because if I continue visiting you, knowing that you don’t see a future for us, knowing that you believe I’ll just leave one day, then I feel like I’m setting myself up for failure. I don’t want to do that to myself. I can’t leap blindly towards something if I don’t even have a direction to go.”
His jaw clenched and pulsed, but his eyes remained steady on her. “Leeldra.” That word tore at her. He’d told her he’d never used it with another female. Just another thing that confused her. Was it a lie? “I wish…”
Words seemed to fail him however, but he stepped forward, placing his hands on her shoulders, as if his touch could answer the swirling questions inside her. But she found no answers.
“Khiva, please know that if you change your mind, if you want my help for passage off the colony, I will give it you,” she said. “No strings attached. You’d never even have to see me again.”
“Why?” he asked quietly. “Why do you still want to help me?”
“Because I like to think that we’ve become friends, Khiva,” she replied. “And friends help friends.”
“You believe we are only friends, Evelyn?” he asked next.
Though she’d woken up fresh and energized, she suddenly felt very drained and tired.
“If we can be nothing else, then yes,” she said, wanting to crawl back to bed…if only his scent wasn’t all over her sheets. A constant reminder.
Again his jaw tightened. Behind him, through one of the windows, she saw the driverless car pull up to the curb.
“Your transportation is here,” she murmured, moving to the door to open it. But Khiva placed his hand on it, keeping it closed, and he leaned his forehead against her shoulder, making Eve hold her breath.
“Please,leeldra,” he whispered.
