Lexi
I will be stopping by for lunch.
A slew of good luck messages andcan’t wait to see you dance this weekendfollow.
Fee and I heat up one of the dinners and settle in to eat while studying. My phone buzzes with messages from my parents, checking in. I told my mom about the pause, but with my dad out of town and also my boyfriend’s coach, I felt like I should leave that alone.
I scroll back to the last messages from Phillip.
I’m in this with you, whatever you need.
I know in my heart this was the right decision. As soon as I made it and put it out in the world, I felt lighter, even though it makes my heart hurt. But after nearly a week of separation, the pull toward him is undeniable, maybe because the stress of exams is lifting.
My fingers hover over the keys for a few seconds before I type the message and hit send.
CHAPTER 55
FLIP
My anxiety has been tough to handle the last few days. My stomach is in my throat as a message pops up from Tally. I take a centering breath and send a silent plea to outside forces to please not fuck with me today before I click on it.
Tally
I miss you.
The wash of relief is overwhelming. Saying yes to a pause was the single most difficult thing I’ve ever done, and that’s saying something since I filed for divorce and forked over my entire first-year salary to get Fiona out of my life. But giving Tally space to breathe has been infinitely more challenging. It’s been good for me, too, though. Separation brings perspective. I respond right away.
Flip
I miss you, too, kitten.
She hearts the message.
Tally
I needed the space, but I don’t like the space.
The relief almost takes me to my knees. She’s one exam away from being finished, and then it’s just her showcase. The pressure of school will be off soon, and then we can focus on us.
Flip
I know, and same.
She’s opened the door and I don’t want her to question where I’m at. She’s had to do that for far too long.
Flip
I don’t like being away from you. But if I was home and we didn’t take a pause, I’d either be sleeping in your bed, being a distraction from your studying, or you’d be sitting on my couch, probably wearing something you think is cute and comfy, and I’d be struggling to keep myself in check because you in one of my hoodies does things to me. And then you wouldn’t get the studying in, and neither of us would get the sleep we need because I’d be looking to fulfill a fantasy for both of us. Plus, there’s clarity with space. Being separated from you has made me painfully aware of how much I care about you, and how much better my life is when you’re close to me.
I want to lay it all out for her, be completely honest about my feelings, but that needs to wait until we’re together again.
Tally
I didn’t realize how much I needed to hear that from you.
Orread it, actually.
Flip
