“She moved back in my fourth year, and we reconnected. She’d been part of my life before the scouts and the promise of a contract after I graduated.”
“You had history.”
“We did,” I agree. “And you know what it’s like in university.”
“It’s a lot of fun when you’re a hockey player,” Tally says without judgment.
“After three years, I’d had enough. I wanted…someone I could trust, and I thought Fiona was that person.” I exhale the agony of what comes next. “I didn’t want distance between us again. There were restrictions with my housing because it was connected to the university, but I learned if we were married, the problem would be solved.”
“But why keep it a secret?”
“Our parents would have wanted us to wait, and her parents would have wanted her to move home. I knew my mind. I was in it with her. I thought she felt the same.”
Tally’s eyes hold deep sadness. “But she didn’t?”
I shake my head. “The scouts were all over me. I was so excited. We were planning this life. I thought I had it all figured out.”
“What happened after you got married?”
“Things were good for a couple of months. She didn’t have a job yet because we thought it made more sense for her to wait until we knew where I’d end up.” I put a hand on my leg to keepmy knee from bouncing, as the memories bring up old anxiety. “She didn’t grow up the same way I did. Her parents helped her with tuition. She had her own car in high school. They were comfortable. She was used to having things.”
“And you weren’t,” Tally finishes for me.
“Not at all. And especially not in university. The pros are a long shot for most of the guys on the team. Maybe a couple will get called up every year. Some guys make it and choke. Some guys play a few years and end up back on a farm team. I didn’t know where I’d land. I had promise, but I could injure myself and be out of the game like that.” I snap my fingers. “Fiona was spending money we didn’t have yet. She racked up credit card debt, took out loans. She knew how hard my life was growing up, but she had a YOLO attitude.” I lick my lips. “We started fighting a lot. Every day there would be another purchase. My grades started to slip. I had a few bad games. I was under a lot of stress.”
“Of course you were, that’s a lot of pressure to put on you,” Tally says gently.
I nod, remembering the day things ended. “One day I came home from practice, and her bags were packed. She told me this wasn’t what she signed on for. That she didn’t want to be trapped in a marriage where she was monitored all the time. She didn’t want me anymore and that the only thing I was good for was money and sex.”
“I’m so sorry, Phillip. What a horrible thing to tell someone you’re supposed to love,” the ache in her voice matches the one in my chest.
We were in the middle of the season. Midterms were around the corner. I was devastated. My entire future was suddenly upended. “I didn’t want to start my career with that hanging over me. I talked to a lawyer, had an NDA written up, and I basically signed over my first-year salary to erase the mistake.” And then spent the better part of a decade avoiding any kind ofconnection out of fear I’d give my heart to the wrong person again.
Tally is shrouded in sadness. “You had to do all of it alone, without support. All of these years. That’s so heavy to hold on your own. Why not tell your family? Why keep it from everyone?”
“I just wanted to bury it.” I felt like a fucking idiot for not seeing it. The woman I gave my heart to hadn’t seen any value in me as a person. It shattered me. “I didn’t want to spend my entire hockey career living it down. But then I made it so much worse.” I sigh, and force myself to continue. “After the divorce, I didn’t trust my instincts, and I didn’t trust women to want me for anything other than my fame and money. I didn’t want to hurt, so I drowned myself in pleasure, and I splashed it all over the internet as a fuck-you to Fiona. I wanted her to believe I’d moved on, and she didn’t matter.”
“You were in a lot of pain.”
“So much. I didn’t ever want to hurt like that again.” I let my eyes fall closed and bring Tally’s hand to my cheek, pressing it to my skin. “I have so much baggage and so many scars, Tally.” What if all my unhealed wounds infect her, too? What if I’m intrinsically flawed? “I didn’t want you to see the same things in me.”
Tears track down her cheeks. I hate that I’m responsible for making her feel this way again. “You didn’t protect either of us by keeping this secret from me. I know this hurts you, but it hurts me too. I need you to keep letting me in. How would you feel if I always told you what you wanted to hear? If I said everything was fine, but really it wasn’t?”
“Not good.”
“Exactly. You can’t ask me to share myself and not do the same. There’s no balance in that. How can we be partners if you hide your feelings from me?”
She’s right about all of it. I have been protecting myself,hiding feelings behind fear. Telling her everything is fine so she doesn’t worry. But if I’m not vulnerable with her, how can I ask her to do the same? “I didn’t want to give you a reason to leave me.”
Her sadness makes my chest ache. “Sharing your painful secrets won’t make me leave, Phillip.” She skims the edge of my jaw with gentle fingers. “But keeping me in the dark, placating me, not showing me all of you unbalances us.”
“I get it. I see it. I’m so sorry.” I kiss the palm of her hand. “Please stay tonight.” It’s a selfish request. She probably needs time to process, but I’m terrified if I let her go, she’ll have time to think it through and decide she’s done with me.
“Phillip.” Her eyes slide closed.
“I know you’re hurt and upset. I know I’ve fucked up.”I love you, don’t leave me. “Please keep me,” I whisper.
A tear tracks down her cheek as her eyes flutter open and search mine. She kisses the edge of my mouth. “I’ll stay.”
