“I was scrambling, Roz. I thought…I thought you were mostly just mad that we hadn’t talked about it. That I made the decision unilaterally. I didn’t think you…”
“Were dying inside? Because yeah.”
“Oh, baby.” My hands are cupped in his hands. “Seeing that lease on the fridge…I had, well, an epiphany, I guess. Sure, sure, actions speak louder than words, and that’s how I’ve lived my life. But in this case, I was onlyeverusing actions and never words and it meant that you thought I wanted to move out. And…I knew I had to get a new skill set like fucking fast. So I walked out that night, yes. And I walked directly to a therapist’s office.”
“What? Are you serious?”
“Dead serious. I waited three hours until he could see me for an emergency appointment.”
“Did you go back?”
“Once a week since then.”
“You…” I am not breathing. “Are.” Still not breathing. “Seeing.” I might not make it to the end of the sentence. “Atherapist.”
He laughs at my delivery, or maybe at the fact that I almost pass out at the end of it. “His name is Dr. Elias Colewood and he’s helped me a lot.”
“Wow.” I’m staring into nothing. “In that case, then you’re definitely earning a higher grade than I am at marriage.”
“Let’s start withnotgrading each other.” He can’t help himself anymore. He’s gathering me up like a rag doll, holding me so tight I have to tap-tap his shoulder when I need an inhale.
“This whole time…” My head is spinning a little. “I thought you were the one who needed space. But…”
He’s shaking his head. “After the accident…You were just so…hurt. In like every sense of the word. You were suddenly sleeping like all the way on the edge of the bed, and you were barely talking to me and we weren’t even eating together anymore. So I thought I’d try to give you some time, sure. I’d sleep in the guest room, fine. It was never what I wanted, I just…was trying to read you…and I thought that’s what you needed. Space. But you were miserable still, just like me. So, turns out I didn’t know what you needed and I didn’t know how to give it to you…And then, a few weeks ago, something changed. Suddenly you were lit up again. You were the old Roz. I wasn’t sure what it was. I heard about the art class, and I thoughtOkay, that must be it. The thing that’s making her happy again…I thought maybe I’ll try again with the framed portrait. Maybe I’ll figure out a way to explain this whole mess with the lease…But then I meet this Lauro guy…”
“Vin, no.”
“I know. But still, I thought to myself…if she wants him…what’s the move? Well…I talked Raff into staying the night. So you and I could share a bed. I hoped maybe you’d remember how it used to be with us…but thenthatdidn’t happen the way I wanted…And I thought that was really the end. Right? Can’t sleep with your husband and you have feelings for someone new…”
“Vin,no.”
“I know. Just let me…And then you’re mouthing wordsat me across the bar, telling me that you were going to live your best life, whether I’m there or not—”
“I didn’t say whether you were there or not. I saidno matter what.”
He’s confused. “Is there a difference?”
“It’s…” How to explain this? “It’s basically the one phrase I wanted you to say to me. You were already on aboutI’m still here, Roz.And…I didn’t get it. I was hurt and confused—”
“Confused? How could that be confusing?”
“I was trying like hell to figure out if you meantfor nowor…”
“No matter what.” Either he’s quoting me or he’s asserting it, with his very molecules. And based on the fact that I’m pretty sure I can see his soul burning through his eyes, I think it might be the latter. “I meantno matter what.”
“Well, how was I supposed to know what you meant?”
“How was I supposed to know whatyoumeant?” he tosses right back at me, with fierce eyes and a smile. “From my perspective, you already were moving on. Your life was so…separate from me. You were going to art classes and looking beautiful and dancing at Raff’s party like you didn’t have a care in the world.”
“Pretending I wasn’t mortally wounded,” I inform him, tugging on his shirt so he’ll hear me, really hear me.
His hands cover mine. “Well, I got that. Eventually. But not at the time. At the time, I was pretty sure you were falling for someone else.”
“Vin.”
“Which…if it made you happy…made you okay again…I mean, it might have killed me, but if you were happy…” He’s scraping a hand over his hair. “I didn’t know what to do other than dance with you and tell you I wantedyou to be happy. But on the inside, I wassick.I didn’t sleep that night…But the next night? Well, that was the best night of my year, Roz. I have not stopped thinking aboutthatnight.”
“Which night?”
