I narrow my eyes at the photo.
“The way we’rearranged,” he prompts.
The second I see it, I can’t unsee it, and all the blood rushes away from my heart. “Raffi’s standing between us,” I whisper.
He nods. “When I saw this, when I realized that of all the hundred photos the photographer took during that shoot,thiswas the one you chose, I knew we were in trouble.”
“I…I can see why you’d feel that way.”
He lets out a big breath that I realize now he’s been holding. He comes and drops down on the bed beside me, a respectful distance away, but his weight makes me bounce and I tumble into him.
“Oh!”
“Sorry,” he says on a little laughing grumble. But then both of his arms come up, around me, in a firm squeeze, his cheek resting in my hair. “But not that sorry.”
I mentally file away the information that all it took was me sayingI can see why you’d feel that wayfor Vin to walk over and put his arms around me and his cheek in my hair, but for now, I can’t be stopped. I need the rest of this story and I need it now. I scramble up to a full sit, his arms fall away, and I arrange myself crisscross applesauce, facing him.
“So, you hated the photo…” I prompt. “And you’re there in St. Michel’s workshop…”
“Right. And…this idea came to me. I wanted him to frame a new photo. I showed it to him and he told me it was a terrible photo and it would take a genius to frame that and make it look like anything.”
I laugh. Because that is a very St. Michel thing to say.
“I wanted it done ASAP,” he continues. “But he told me basically that the fastest he could get it done was by my mom’sbirthday weekend and that he’d be going out of town right after that. Marseilles?”
“Montreaux.”
“Right. So. Yeah. I thought maybe it was a sign. That I would physically have to be present in NYC to pick up the project that weekend. It was like the universe was telling me,Don’t go to your mother’s. Stay with Roz. Fix this…And from there, the rest of the plan sort of fell into place.”
“This surprise…”
“Right. Yeah. I…was going to pick up the new framed photo and give it to you. And then take you out to the beach for the weekend. Montauk. Just the two of us. That was the plan. To sort of get us back on track, after Raff moved out. But while I was waiting for the project to be done, things got even more awkward between us. Everything I was trying just seemed to make it worse. I just kept thinking,If I can just give her this photo…Honestly, this sounds fucking stupid. And it made me feel fucking stupid ever since then, but I just kept thinking that since I didn’t have the words to explain how I felt, if you saw the photo, then you’d justknow,and I wouldn’t ever have to explain it.”
“So…you waited.”
“I thought, I can’t just have this photo, because that whole thing, starting over, that’s whatIwant, but I didn’t want to, I don’t know, corner you? I wanted to give you the ability to…decide. If you wanted me, I wanted you to come to me on your own. Not because I forced you. Which means I had to bring options. One option of what I wanted.” He holds up one hand. “The photo. Us getting closer. And one option of whatyoumight want.” He holds up the other hand. “Me moving out and giving you all the space you might need. And I wanted to show you that I was serious. That I was taking whatever you wanted seriously. So, in my mind, I thought that if I showed upwith the photo and vacation in one hand.” His eyes hit mine. “And the lease in the other…”
“Then I could choose which one I wanted.” I hug my knees and try to bear this joyous pain. On one hand, oh, God, how did we ever end up in a place this mangled? On the other hand…He wasn’t secretly preparing to leave me. He was trying like hell to guess what I wanted and provide it for me.
This information unfolds inside me like a paper flower much too big for my chest. I feel every petal, every stretch, as it opens itself to the sky.
Vin hasn’t stopped loving me.
“Right. Like I said. Fucking stupid. I should have just…” He shakes his head. “So, I got the lease, like, as a symbol to you, and left it in the guest room. But then I was out with Raff, and remember he was still on a month-to-month then? Well, he told me that he’d found the lease in the guest room and he went on this whole thing thanking me but he was going to find his own apartment when his short-term was up and I realized thathethought that I was renting this new apartment forhim.And then I asked him what he’d done with the lease, because I don’t know how, but I justknewthat you were about to find it and misunderstand—”
“Which is exactly what happened.” I think of Vin’s face when he came through the front door that day. I’d mistaken that intensity for determination. I’d mistaken his commitment tomefor commitment toleaving.
He’d been out of breath. Like he’d been running. Nothing ever in half measures.
“I got home and you’d put it up on the fridge.”
“Oh,Jesus.” Tears pinch my eyes so hard it physically hurts. “I acted like it was fine. Like I didn’t care.”
“Like it was natural, for me to leave.”
And I didn’t know you’ve been devastated,he said to me, earlier tonight. I guess this impression of myself is better than I thought.
I bite my lip. “You didn’t correct things. Or cry. You acted like it was fine, too. You just walked right back out the door. And every time I’ve brought it up since then, you didn’t explain!”
