“Yeah, he’s mentioned her to me too. Why…” I glance up at him. “Whynow,do you think he’s suddenly missing her?”
“She used to take care of him. Then we took care of him. Now he’s on his own. He’s missing having somebody.”
Oh! That…is…shockingly insightful.
“It’s interesting that you bring that up…I…actually was just talking about this the other day. With Deb and Cherise.”
He nods to show he’s all ears.
“Cherise mentioned that…” There’s no direct route through the park, so we meander along some smaller tributary paths on our way to a bigger one. His T-shirt sleeve is brushing my shoulder. My heart is definitely still galloping. “She…wondered if maybe taking care of Raff the way we did…made things harder for us, as a couple.”
His eyebrows dip up toward the brim of his hat. He’s as protective of Raffi as I am, so at first I think he’s going to reject that statement out of hand. But then, “Actually, I’ve had a similar thought.”
“Wait. Really?”
He clears his throat and reaches around my shoulder, guiding me across his path and to his other side while a biker blaring Panic! At the Disco blasts past us. “Well, we didn’t have sex once the entire time he lived with us, so…”
I stop walking and stare at his back. He takes a few steps, his back to me. I watch his body expand with a deep breath and then, only then, does he finally turn and look me in my face. There’s a mixture of vulnerability and resignation there.
I feel oddly…zippy. A chemical rush, no doubt. “You’ve never said anything like that before.”
He gestures with his chin for me to walk alongside him again. I do, but he doesn’t say anything else.
“You never mention our sex life,” I prod. “Or lack thereof.”
“Well.” He scratches the back of his neck. “Seemed…like…it was okay to mention it?”
“Yes! Of course. I…would actually love to hear your take on it.”
We walk in silence for thirty feet and I can tell by the way he’s watching his feet that he’s gathering his thoughts. “At first…at first it was the accident, you know? Of course we weren’t gonna have a lot of sex right after something like that. But then, you know, six, seven, eight months later…Ithink…” He clears his throat. “I think because those rooms…well, you can hear everything in that apartment. I think we just stopped while he was there because it felt…”
“Rude? Or embarrassing or something?”
“Right. Yeah. Even though Raffi would not have given a shit. Still…”
“Yeah. Still.”
“But because we weren’t having sex…I think all the things that weren’t working with us…got really obvious.”
All the things that weren’t working.
“But Raff was just always there,” he continues. “So there wasn’t a lot of space or time to figure any of that out and we just had to keep on going and going.”
“And we found this different rhythm. One that had more to do with taking care of Raff than with us.”
“Right. Yeah. And…” He glances at me and snaps his mouth shut. He’s physically stopping himself from saying something. But I’ve just mainlined his thoughts and feelings and I’m greedy for more. I need more.
“No, come on,” I say. “Finish your thought. I don’t care if it hurts.”
“Look. Roz. The first thing I ever loved about you was how you were with Raffi. I…rested easy knowing that if I ever screwed something up with him, you’d be there to pick up the slack. And I…I still feel that way. Even if…you and me…whatever. I know that no matter what, you’ll be there for him.”
My heart fell out of my chest twenty steps ago when the wordsfirst thing I ever loved about youcame out of my husband’s mouth. But I can’t be deterred. He hasn’t finished this thought, I can feel it. “But…”
“But.” His face is constricted. He looks like he really doesn’t want to say this next part. Or maybe, that he wishes it weren’t true. “But after the accident, we were both so focusedon him being okay…we didn’t really check in with each other. And there were times—”
He cuts off, or rather, emotion cuts him off and he looks, fiercely, away from me. I don’t need him to finish that sentence out loud. I can finish it myself and it makes me sick to my stomach: there were times that Vin needed me but I was helping Raff.
I don’t know what to say. I’m searching around for anything.
